Tag: Arnold Stang

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963)

MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD

IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD (1963) 1/2*

Let’s start this review with a bold statement and prediction: IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD is the worst comedy I have ever seen and it will remain that way for all my life, even if I would be blessed to reach 100 years old.

Fact: I did not laugh once during the 3-hour, 19-minute duration of IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD.

I consider it a lock on being the worst comedy I will ever see because of that length. Sure, I can go 90 or 95 or even 100 minutes not laughing at some dumb or aggressively stupid comedy, no problem, but 189 minutes proved to be a new personal record for remaining in a state of stone cold silence during a comedy. I only broke that silence to express disbelief with a grunt or a sigh. To be honest these intermittent sighs were deep enough to fill the Grand Canyon.

Yes, I almost forgot LEONARD PART 6 (believe me, how I tried forgetting), which I gave no stars and called “the worst movie ever made.” That’s right, it passes comedy straight into being bad enough to encompass all genres.

Why the half-star for a repetitive, repetitive, repetitive, repetitive comedy? Because I liked looking at the cast members during any fleeting moments when they were quiet. Once they resumed talking, well, shit, IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD turned back into unfunny shit on a stick. Yeah, I felt like IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD beat me over the head with unfunny shit on a stick for roughly a quarter of a quarantine day. I will do my best to utilize past tense during this review because I have no intent to ever watch IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD ever, ever, ever, ever again.

I should rephrase one portion of the paragraph immediately above. Very, very, very, very rarely do any of the characters merely talk during IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD. Just imagine a crowded room populated by people who feel compelled to compete with each other for who can be the loudest (and most obnoxious) person in the world, forget the room. And then being trapped inside that room for over three hours describes this movie in a nutshell. Perhaps it would be too much to add real cars to the room. Nah, instead, we’ll have a movie theater size TV in the room playing a loop of car chases at full volume intensity.

Here’s a main character who speaks in a voice resembling that of a normal person: Emeline-Marcus Finch (Dorothy Provine), whose character seems like the movie loaned her from a library amidst the chaos in this loud, loud, loud, loud movie. They no doubt used the Frances Howard Goldwyn – Hollywood Regional Branch Library, only a three-minute walk from the Walk of Fame.

The film establishes a basic tone early on, when five of the characters stand around and squabble over their potential take of the stolen $350,000 hidden under the ‘Big W’ in the Santa Rosita State Park. Yes, IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD is basically one long argument over money interrupted by chases, overacting, mugging, pitfalls and pratfalls, dancing, overacting, cameo appearances, police chatter, overacting, an intermission, pitfalls and pratfalls, plane crashes, explosions, and (for old times’ sake) overacting.

Just take a look at some of the cast: Spencer Tracy, Milton Berle, Sid Caesar, Buddy Hackett, Ethel Merman, Mickey Rooney, Dick Shawn, Phil Silvers, Terry-Thomas, Jonathan Winters, Jim Backus, William Demarest, Jimmy Durante, Peter Falk, Jack Benny, Joe E. Brown, Norman Fell, Stan Freberg, Leo Gorcey, Edward Everett Horton, Buster Keaton, Don Knotts, Jerry Lewis, ZaSu Pitts, Carl Reiner, Arnold Stang, and the Three Stooges, with more than half of them in minute roles. What a sad, sad, sad, sad waste of talent!

Among the main characters, it’s easy to pick my least favorite: Mrs. Marcus, played by Merman. She’s awful from the start and remains awful for the entire length of the picture. IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD partisans argue that she’s a character that people love to hate. I, however, am not one of those people, because I only hate this character. Thankfully, Merman closed out her career with a hilarious cameo in AIRPLANE!

Gordon Gekko told us “Greed is good” during WALL STREET. Meanwhile, nearly 25 years earlier, IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD told us “Greed is bad, mkay?”

One more zinger before closing time: I laughed more during Stanley Kramer’s INHERIT THE WIND than I did IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD. (If I ever watch Kramer’s JUDGMENT AT NUREMBERG, I’ll be sure to revise this final paragraph and gag.)

Hercules in New York (1969)

HERCULES IN NEW YORK

HERCULES IN NEW YORK (1969) One-and-a-half stars

I remember first watching HERCULES IN NEW YORK, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s infamous motion picture debut, on “USA Up All Night” and I am trying to remember if it was Rhonda Shear or Gilbert Gottfried hosting that night.

I caught up with HERCULES IN NEW YORK about 10 years ago and wrote a rather negative review (that seems to be a pattern). I remember making fun of the ridiculous voice dubbed for Schwarzenegger and cracking multiple governor jokes.

I received “Arnold’s original classic” for Christmas and it’s hyped featuring his original audio track. That’s a vast improvement from dubbed Arnold, because it is infinitely more enjoyable to hear Mr. Schwarzenegger (billed as Arnold Strong, playing off co-star Arnold Stang) flub his lines than hear some mismatched voice for the world’s strongest man. We do hear Arnold’s voice except for the final scene. In that sense, we don’t leave HERCULES IN NEW YORK asking ourselves like Johnny Rotten, “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”

Where do we go now with HERCULES IN NEW YORK? The title basically sums up the plot, but unfortunately, there’s a lot more to it than that with scenes taking place in both New York City and Mount Olympus. On Earth, it’s a situation comedy with tons of slapstick and incredible feats by our title character, while on Mount Olympus, it’s a soap opera featuring Zeus, Juno, Venus, Hercules, Mercury, et cetera.

Hercules challenges Zeus, Zeus punishes Hercules, Hercules defies Zeus, Juno plots behind their back, Mercury attempts to bring Herc back, oh help us all, I just want more scenes like the infamous one where Hercules takes on a man-in-a-bear suit or even like the early one where he overpowers a car. Yes, I want more incredible feats and less soap opera.

If viewers at home decide to play a drinking game with HERCULES IN NEW YORK, please be careful which phrases and drinks are selected. For example, if you select “I am Hercules” and you’re drinking shots, you just might be passed out by the 30-minute mark. Then again, you just might prefer that over watching the rest of HERCULES IN NEW YORK, especially since the final 30 minutes are much worse than the first 30.

I wonder if there’s ever been a weirder screen pairing than Stang and Schwarzenegger.

The 5-foot-3 Stang and the 6-2 Schwarzenegger. The high-pitched motor-mouthed New Yorker and the Austrian who struggles with the English language. The scrawny bean pole and Mr. Olympia. They both enjoyed successful careers against the odds: Stang (1918-2009) described himself as a frightened chipmunk who’s been out in the rain too long, while Schwarzenegger’s mentor Joe Weider (1919-2013) falsely claimed the bodybuilder had extensive “stage” experience to get the big lug the Hercules part. Schwarzenegger returned to acting in Bob Rafelson’s STAY HUNGRY (1976) and later became perhaps the unlikeliest star after CONAN THE BARBARIAN and THE TERMINATOR. Stang continued to work into his 70s in a career that spawned more than 50 years.

It should be mentioned that Reg Park’s performance and physique in Mario Bava’s 1961 HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD inspired Schwarzenegger to become a bodybuilder. In turn, Park himself urged Schwarzenegger to take on the Hercules role. Too bad, Arnold did not have Bava (BLACK SUNDAY, TWITCH OF THE DEATH NERVE) for director.

Schwarzenegger’s friend and rival Lou Ferrigno played Hercules in two movies, HERCULES and THE ADVENTURES OF HERCULES. At the fourth annual Golden Raspberry Awards in 1984, Ferrigno won “Worst New Star” for his performance in HERCULES, beating out Loni Anderson in STROKER ACE, Reb Brown in YOR, THE HUNTER OF THE FUTURE, the shrieking dolphins Cindy and Sandy from JAWS 3, and Finola Hughes in STAYING ALIVE. Bet only this one time Ferrigno would have liked to have been beaten by two dolphins.

Schwarzenegger became more successful avoiding being typecast than any other bodybuilder turned actor. At one point, he was the biggest action star in the world, both physically and financially.

Even in a bad movie like HERCULES IN NEW YORK, one can see Arnold’s potential.

In all conscience, I cannot rate HERCULES IN NEW YORK lower than JUNO, because I laughed more at it than I did the overrated 2007 comedy.