Kickboxer 2 (1991)

KICKBOXER 2 (1991) *1/2

En route to the cinematic crapper, Albert Pyun’s KICKBOXER 2 abuses two of the worst cinematic devices: slow motion and an offscreen death.

On their review program, Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert pointed out how much Pyun and the picture relied on slow motion during the fight scenes. Ebert claimed they used slow motion for every single moment of every single fight scene in the movie, including for the voices of the announcer and the referee, but that the sound effects guy must not have got the same memo because all the punches and kicks sounded like they were in regular motion. Siskel accused Ebert of eating spiked popcorn. Bottom line: If only KICKBOXER 2 had been half as entertaining as the Siskel & Ebert review.

Let’s take the fight that’s right smack dab in the middle of the picture, between our principled, reluctant-to-fight hero David Sloan’s former protege Brian “The Hammer” Wagner (Vince Murdocco) and the super villainous Tong Po (Michel Qissi) who’s back from KICKBOXER: THE MOTION PICTURE (not its real title). Brian Wagner dies in the ring from a series of brutal slow motion kicks and punches and other blows to the body. Coming that slow, he should have seen it coming and got out of the way. No, no, no, of course not, Brian Wagner wanted to die. Okay, maybe not wanted to die per se, but he was destined to die in that post-Apollo Creed ROCKY IV way. Anyway, we knew he was going to die from early in the picture, when his worried mother told David Sloan (Sasha Mitchell) that she’s afraid for her son and made Mr. Sloan promise to look after him. Brian Wagner further sealed his cinematic doom by walking away from David Sloan and cursing him on the way to greener pastures, by taking the easy fights and that cheap nickname, by allowing himself to be pumped full of steroids, and finally by his defiant overconfidence and his blatant refusal to surrender to his opponent. Yes, yes, he deserved to die.

The final buildup to Wagner’s death hits us over the head with a slow-moving sledge hammer. Not only are Tong Po and Brian Wagner in super duper excruciating slow motion, but Wagner’s poor mother and David Sloan are both moving like that in the crowd … in a cinematic technique derived especially from the later ROCKY pictures, you know when Clubber Lang and Ivan Drago are beating the brain stuffing out of Rocky (or Apollo Creed) and Rocky’s corner men or even his poor, poor wife Adrian are laboriously freaking out but ultimately helpless in the face of slow motion annihilation. I am so, so glad this overdone cinematic technique eventually faded away.

Offscreen deaths are usually cheap and sometimes, they’re even worse. For example, Hicks and Newt at the beginning of ALIEN 3. That one left millions reeling and they’re still talking about it today flabbergasted and frustrated.

In KICKBOXER 2, we are informed that Tong Po killed both David Sloan’s older brothers, including KICKBOXER protagonist Kurt Sloane (Jean-Claude Van Damme), after the events of the first movie and before the events of the second one. And to think Kurt avenged his paralyzed older brother Eric Sloane (played by former world kickboxing champion Dennis Alexio) against Tong Po for the big thrilling conclusion of KICKBOXER.

Yes, that’s right, Sloan and Sloane, that’s what really confused this unfrozen caveman writer. Sloan’s older brothers each have an ‘e’ on the end of their surname. Fascinating. Let’s see here: Van Damme speaks with a thick Franco-Belgian accent, while Sasha Mitchell, why he’s just a poor man’s Keanu Reeves. Bizarre family that must really get around. Ironically enough, though, Mitchell has been called both a poor man’s Keanu and a poor man’s Jean-Claude. Mitchell’s not without a slight charm, however, and he’s definitely not the biggest problem in KICKBOXER 2. The film’s biggest problem is that we’ve seen it all done before … and better numerous times.

KICKBOXER 2 lacks the off-the-wall qualities of a Shaw Brothers spectacular or a truly batty WTF exploitation picture like NINJA III: THE DOMINATION and SAMURAI COP, as well as the genuine pathos of ROCKY and THE KARATE KID. It is neither truly good enough nor bad enough to be any good.

Five Deadly Venoms (1978)

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FIVE DEADLY VENOMS (1978) Three-and-a-half stars
Years ago, I finally tracked down (i.e. bought) a subtitled copy of FIVE DEADLY VENOMS and it made all the difference in the world after having extreme technical difficulties watching a dubbed copy the week before the subtitled version, failing twice to make it through because of the haphazard dub job.

The plot in a nutshell: A wise old martial arts master, on his death bed, gives his latest young martial arts pupil a dying wish to go track down some wayward pupils who have done “evil” with the master’s teachings, the “Five Deadly Venoms” that provide our lovely and oh so poetic title, and redeem the master and his martial arts philosophy and teachings forever.

Like DRUNKEN MASTER, FIVE DEADLY VENOMS provides us with multiple idiosyncratic martial artists, fighting styles, and personalities: The Centipede, The Snake, The Scorpion, The Gecko (lizard), and The Toad. The young pupil combines all five styles, although he’s not as potent as the older pupils because he only knows a little about each style.

The old man describes their styles in some detail on his deathbed. Honestly, this scene gets us hyped for the movie ahead, filled with great expectations.

Each fighter and fighting style have their own distinct strengths and weaknesses, some more apparent than others.

The Centipede: Based on speed and quickness. Fastest of the fast.

The Snake: Based on agility and flexibility. This flexibility makes for mad defensive skills and the pinpoint ability to attack the opponents’ weak spots.

The Scorpion: Based on acrobatic kicks or “the sting.” The style resembles the scorpion pincer in the hand techniques of the artist.

The Lizard: Nimble, quick footwork, also described on the FAQs at the IMDb as “Spider-Man with a black belt” because of The Lizard’s mastery of walls.

The Toad: Based on power and resilience. Once mastered, this style lends itself to becoming immune to physical harm. Well, we’ll all see how well that stands up in FIVE DEADLY VENOMS.

These fascinating artists and styles are placed inside an old-fashioned movie plot involving an old man’s treasure, imperial politics, and secret identities. We also have the age-old themes of redemption and revenge that seem to be at the core of the genre.

The different artists each wear masks that prominently feature their animal at the top of the mask.

Of course, you might find FIVE DEADLY VENOMS silly, very silly indeed, almost by default with this genre. I’ve always found that “silliness” in martial arts entertainments to be one of their most endearing features. Your mileage may vary.

Granted, THE FIVE DEADLY VENOMS takes itself seriously. It’s not attempting to be a comedy in any way shape or form.

There’s several twists and turns in the plot and we have to figure out the alignment of the “Five Deadly Venoms.”

We know that certain fighters will be more deadly than the others. To the film’s credit, I couldn’t guess it straight out. We align ourselves with the young pupil early on and follow him on his journey through such deadly waters.

Just a cut below DRUNKEN MASTER and THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN, two fabulous martial arts entertainments from 1978, THE FIVE DEADLY VENOMS nonetheless proves itself a damn good time at the movies and another iconic entry in the Shaw Brothers’ filmography. (Another martial arts film referenced by multiple hip-hop artists over the years, as well as Quentin Tarantino. It was also the inspiration for a series of Sprite commercials in the late 1990s.)

Please seek out the subtitled version. The dubbing proved deadliest venom in the English dubbed version. It took effect almost immediately.

Clan of the White Lotus (1980)

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CLAN OF THE WHITE LOTUS (1980) Three-and-a-half stars
The Shaw Brothers (Runme and Run Run Shaw) rapidly became my favorite old school movie factory producers, following hot on the trails of the spectacles of the incomparable INFRA-MAN and THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN with CLAN OF THE WHITE LOTUS, a 1980 effort directed by Lo Lieh.

Like Sam Elliott’s rustic narrator said to the Dude in THE BIG LEBOWSKI, “I like your style.”

I get all giddy when I see and hear the Shaw Brothers fanfare before their every movie.

CLAN OF THE WHITE LOTUS quickly dispenses with its standard issue martial arts plot and focuses on exciting fight sequences centered on choreographed punches and kicks that play like violent ballet or Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly meets Bruce Lee.

Gordon Liu made his fame in THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN and stars here as our bald protagonist with the wicked cool handle. In THE 36TH CHAMBER, it was San Te (pronounced like the jolly fat guy from the North Pole) and in WHITE LOTUS, it’s Hong Wen-Ting but the subtitles tell us it’s “Hung Man Ting.”

Anyway, Liu plays the hot-tempered fiery young martial artist who faces many unbelievable hardships through the first couple acts before finally triumphing over every obstacle and the resident evil antagonist holding our main man back during the first couple acts through his sheer dedication, hard work, and martial arts talent.

As we discussed at some length in THE 36TH CHAMBER review, Liu is a genuine movie star and holds the camera and our attention and rooting interest.

Director Lo Lieh doubles as the resident evil antagonist Priest White Lotus and he’s virtually untouchable in the first two reels and he undoubtedly could take on an entire cast of doubles and extras just with his glorious white beard alone.

Tarantino fans will immediately recognize White Lotus.

CLAN OF THE WHITE LOTUS depends on a durable storytelling formula (underdog triumphs over evil) and, like DRUNKEN MASTER and THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN, WHITE LOTUS puts enough quirky twists and turns on the formula without diluting its very purity and making it unrecognizable from its basic elements.

For example, CLAN OF THE WHITE LOTUS co-stars needles, a martial artist getting in touch with his feminine side and martial arts style, a child, and pressure points. I believe I’ll skip more generic action movies and stick to films like CLAN OF THE WHITE LOTUS.

I mean, just look at a poster that hypes “Deadly Needle Kung-Fu Against the Invincible Armor of White Lotus.”

I would certainly have bought tickets for that extravaganza.

Alternate titles: HONG WENDING SAN PO BAI LIAN JIAO and FISTS OF THE WHITE LOTUS.

Mad Monkey Kung Fu (1979)

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MAD MONKEY KUNG FU (1979) Three stars
Been told I’ve been difficult to shop for when it comes to movies.

Yeah, I guess I can see that, but I don’t know, I believe that you should buy a truly unique product like MAD MONKEY KUNG FU and you can’t go wrong.

I broke in 2019 with this Shaw Brothers spectacular from 40 years ago, one which I bought a couple months back during a spree. Sometimes, titles alone just grip you in the supermarket, like Charles Bukowski’s NOTES OF A DIRTY OLD MAN, and you are compelled to put down the hardly earned immediately on that product. After the title, I saw the center MAD MONKEY KUNG FU cover image (double hooked) and then I found out that it was a Shaw Brothers production from their golden era (triple hooked). Nobody could change my mind or wallet.

I didn’t even need to see a plot summary to buy that sucker. I found this one on the Internet: “A martial artist seeks revenge on those who assaulted the elderly master who taught him a specialized form of kung fu.” Not sure about that one, especially the elderly part. I like this one better on IMDb, “A disgraced former Kung Fu expert makes a living as a merchant with the help of a hot headed friend. When the men are harassed by gangsters, the merchant decided to teach his friend monkey boxing so they can defend their business.” A smidge better plot summary, though a title like MAD MONKEY KUNG FU and a background in consuming martial arts entertainment can probably have you working out the plot in short time.

MAD MONKEY KUNG FU truly kicks into gear around the 49-minute mark and gives us an effective final hour that leaves us on a high note. Yeah, it’s not as great as other Shaw Brother spectaculars, like INFRA-MAN, THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN, and FIVE DEADLY VENOMS, because unlike those other films, MAD MONKEY KUNG FU drags in certain spots and needs, oh, what’s the phrase, where’s Archie Bell and his Drells when you need ’em, tightening up.

That final hour includes training sequences and faithful readers know that I am a sucker for training sequences. They are excellent in MAD MONKEY KUNG FU, and I wish they had started a lot sooner.

In 2015, Screen Rant’s Victoria Robertson ranked the 10 best training montages in movies and her list included 10) BATMAN BEGINS, 9) BLOODSPORT, 8) EDGE OF TOMORROW, 7) THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, 6) G.I. JANE, 5) MULAN, 4) ROCKY, 3) TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE, 2) THE INCREDIBLES, and 1) THE KARATE KID. I suppose only American films were considered for the list, but I am suspicious of any training montage list that misses THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN and DRUNKEN MASTER.

Now, I would add MAD MONKEY KUNG FU to such a list.

All the spectacular acrobatics on display in MAD MONKEY KUNG FU brought on flashbacks of a recent mini-vacation to Branson and a two-hour show of the Acrobats of China on a Saturday afternoon.

I enjoyed both the Acrobats of China and MAD MONKEY KUNG FU for similar reasons, swept up in an old-fashioned story that’s old-fashioned for a very good reason but also captivated by the amazing physicality of the performers. Martial artists have that ability more than other action stars and I am dazzled by the three main performers in MAD MONKEY KUNG FU.

Chia-Liang Liu (1936-2013) serves as both the star and the director, and he was 42 around the time of the making of MAD MONKEY KUNG FU, definitely not elderly like it said in that one plot summary. Among his 26 directorial credits are some dynamite entertainments: THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN, RETURN TO THE 36TH CHAMBER, THE 8 DIAGRAM POLE FIGHTER, and DRUNKEN MASTER II. He’s obviously a name who you can trust when it comes to martial arts movies.

Hou Hsiao, the young disciple in the film, is most famous for MAD MONKEY KUNG FU and his physicality, including the ability to imitate a monkey, will stick with you arguably more than anything else in the movie. Reportedly, in a 2004 interview, Hsiao said that he doesn’t watch any of the 40-odd movies that he was in, except for MAD MONKEY KUNG FU. Hsiao worked as assistant stunt coordinator on the second 36TH CHAMBER film and the very, very entertaining CLAN OF THE WHITE LOTUS, and served as stunt coordinator for THE 8 DIAGRAM POLE FIGHTER.

Of course, we cannot leave behind Lo Lieh (1939-2002), the first kung fu superstar who became known predominantly for playing the heavy. For example, he’s the villain in THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN and CLAN OF THE WHITE LOTUS, as well as here. He’s great at it, and there’s just something about him that you love to hate and you want to see him served his revenge. A movie like MAD MONKEY KUNG FU needs an effective villain and Lieh fills that niche … so MAD MONKEY KUNG FU sewed up the critical roles of teacher, student, and villain.