Roller Boogie (1979)

ROLLER BOOGIE (1979) *1/2

Hot on the heels of reviewing THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY, here’s another one where it’s a soundtrack in search of a movie.

Or, in other words, a gimmick in search of a movie. ROLLER BOOGIE belongs to a specific time and place of quickie exploitation flick: post-SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER boogie down and roller skating, hence that genius title.

ROLLER BOOGIE should have been a better film. I mean, director Mark L. Lester went on to make CLASS OF 1984 and COMMANDO, two films that go above-and-beyond in going over-the-top and that’s both films’ best virtue by far.

Not in ROLLER BOOGIE, though, which earns a ‘PG’ from the MPAA. It should have been ‘R.’

I’ll give one example.

Early on in the picture, we’re talking first few minutes here, our female lead Terry Barkley (Linda Blair) gets dressed and we sense there’s a missing nude scene, like they filmed one but left it on the cutting room floor. This early scene establishes the awkwardness that we sense around Blair’s character all movie.

We find Blair, who was in her late teens when she made ROLLER BOOGIE, in her transition period, between her breakout in THE EXORCIST (1973) and later exploitation films like CHAINED HEAT and SAVAGE STREETS. Maybe it’s because I watched ROLLER BOOGIE after her later films that I felt like the 1979 film teases us with possibilities that it ultimately did not want to pursue, undoubtedly for commercial reasons. The one song that should have been written for Blair: “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman,” which was instead written for Britney Spears at the turn of the 21st Century. Rick James wrote “Cold Blooded” (title song for his 1983 album) about his relationship with Blair. “Cold Blooded” hit No. 40 on the Billboard Hot 100.

Upon further reflection, ROLLER BOOGIE does go above-and-beyond in recycling grand old cliches and stereotypes, pilfering from both the Mickey Rooney-Judy Garland “Let’s put on a show” movies of the late 1930s and early ‘40s and the Frankie Avalon-Annette Funicello BEACH PARTY movies of the early ‘60s in addition to SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and the disco and roller skating fads more contemporaneous with ROLLER BOOGIE.

Like THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY, ROLLER BOOGIE rattles off characters and scenes we have seen many times before.

Terry develops a romance with roller boogie master Bobby James (Jim Bray), who, get this, comes from another socioeconomic class than rich girl and musical genius Terry. Bray makes both his film debut and finale, basically playing a fictional version of himself … not all that well. He does skate convincingly, of course, and he does possess a great smile, but in any scene that requires any emotion whatsoever Bray absolutely falls flat on his face. Bray apparently had already earned 275 trophies for his skating before he made ROLLER BOOGIE. For his acting, though, Bray received “Dishonourable Mention” from the Stinkers Bad Movie Awards; Robby Benson won “Worst Actor” for WALK PROUD. Blair lost “Worst Actress” to Barbra Streisand in THE MAIN EVENT.

Then we have Franklin (Christopher S. Nelson), who’s this hopeless rich snob always lusting after Terry’s bod. We’ve seen this character archetype before, like Collins Hedgeworth (Paul Linke) in GRAND THEFT AUTO and Spaulding Smails (John F. Barmon Jr.) in CADDYSHACK. You remember Spaulding? He’s the snotty but spectacularly slobby grandson of Judge Smails (Ted Knight). In a classic scene, Spaulding wants a hamburger, no, a cheeseburger, a hot dog, and a milkshake … before Judge Smails sets the impetuous lad straight, “You’ll get nothing, and like it.” Well, there’s nothing that funny or worthwhile in ROLLER BOOGIE. Franklin’s scenes drag ROLLER BOOGIE down.

Cartoon gangsters lean on Jammer Delaney (Sean McClory), the owner of roller boogie rink Jammers. Nobody would ever believe this plot thread, but this here old Jammer, why he’s the last property owner holding out. Jammer’s sitting on a relative gold mine and he’s standing in the way of progress. We have seen this old cinematic war horse trotted out for everything ranging from BLACK BELT JONES (where property owner Scatman Crothers died from the weakest punch in cinematic history) to WHO’S THE MAN? Cartoon gangsters rarely ever bode well for a motion picture spread and they do not for ROLLER BOOGIE. I do not want to write another word on the plot.

Kimberly Beck’s next screen credit would be as final girl Trish Jarvis in 1984’s FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER. She famously said of the FRIDAY THE 13TH series: “I had never seen any of the FRIDAY films. And I didn’t want to see any of them. I still have never seen any of them. I just don’t like that kind of genre at all. And this was not even a B-movie, it was really just a C-movie.” Unfortunately, we do not have a quote from Beck detailing her experience playing Terry’s best friend Lana, who does really fill out her outfits rather nicely in ROLLER BOOGIE. She provides one of the fleeting pleasures of the movie. Sometimes, you take it wherever you can find it and ask questions never.

Class of 1984 (1982)

CLASS OF 1984

CLASS OF 1984 (1982) Three-and-a-half stars

Given its exploitation film content including gore, nudity, profanity, sex, and violence, CLASS OF 1984 will not be shown to new teachers or substitute teachers any school year soon.

Not that it should, but a little independent research never hurt anybody.

I don’t remember, though, if I first watched CLASS OF 1984 during or after my three years as substitute teacher in the late 00s. However, I do remember that it made a strong impact with its story of how an idealistic music teacher eventually gives into the dark side and murders his most unruly students at an inner city high school. It’s definitely the movie to see after DANGEROUS MINDS, LEAN ON ME, all that feel good uplifting claptrap.

Watching CLASS OF 1984 again in a decade since I substituted, it still brings on memories of the little punks who threatened violence, who said they would sue, who just ran their mouths incessantly, and who made getting through another day feel like an endurance contest from Hell. For every good student, it often seemed like there were two or three or twenty bad ones in every class. “I would love to punch you in the face,” one junior high student said. “Go ahead, give it your best shot,” the substitute teacher said. Thankfully, not every day substitute teaching was quite like that.

In that spirit, though, we return to our regularly scheduled review of CLASS OF 1984.

Be warned: This is a rough little movie, a nasty piece of work at times, but if you can make it through scenes like the biology teacher’s murdered rabbits and the rape of the music teacher’s wife, this 1982 update on the 1955 classic BLACKBOARD JUNGLE does have its merits.

The performances help lift this film above mere exploitation trash: Perry King as the music teacher, Roddy McDowall as the biology teacher, Timothy Van Patten as every teacher’s worst nightmare, and Michael J. Fox (in an early role) as one of the good students.

King makes for a likable protagonist and takes us from one end of the picture to the next. We are behind him every step of the way, and that’s critical during the film’s violent final act as enough has become more than enough for this music teacher. Those damn punks go too far, far enough for at least a couple exploitation films. Roger Ebert called the climax a cross between THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME and BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS.

McDowall (1928-98) had a knack for supporting performances that almost steal a movie away from their nominal stars, and he displays that knack here in CLASS OF 1984, especially when he cracks and teaches his biology class by gunpoint. I bet you’ll remember how many chambers are in the human heart with a gun pointed at you, and I also bet that Richard Kiley (from BLACKBOARD JUNGLE) wishes he could have got a scene like that after the punks in his film had their way with his favorite jazz records. Damn kids, damn punks.

[Review resumed about two weeks later.]

To work properly, this genre requires a repugnant piece of work going up against the hero and Van Patten certainly provides that as teenage antagonist Peter Stegman. Audiences have been known to cheer his demise. Stegman’s personality profile on Villains Wiki, “A totally violent, sadistic, ruthless and mentally unstable teenager. He will hurt anyone who he thinks is threatening his authority over the school, or he will also kill them with no remorse or regrets.” In a different movie, Stegman’s piano-playing ability would have been exploited for a different kind of feel-good ending, not one where you feel good the bastard’s dead.

You can see why Fox became a superstar, even in a supporting performance.

CLASS OF 1984 director Mark L. Lester also directed TRUCK STOP WOMEN, WHITE HOUSE MADNESS, BOBBIE JO AND THE OUTLAW, GOLD OF THE AMAZON WOMEN, ROLLER BOOGIE, FIRESTARTER, and COMMANDO. Now, that’s some filmography and I’ll say that it’s close (real close) between CLASS OF 1984 and COMMANDO for his best work.

A movie like this needs a proper soundtrack.

Nearly two decades before AMERICAN GRAFFITI, BLACKBOARD JUNGLE made waves with its use of Bill Haley and the Comets’ “Rock Around the Clock.” What an opener!

Alice Cooper provides “I Am the Future” for CLASS OF 1984. Mr. Cooper has the ideal credentials for scoring a teenage rebellion pic: specifically “I’m Eighteen,” “School’s Out,” and “Teenage Lament ‘74” from his glory days. As far as mid-period solo Alice standards go, “I Am the Future” does not quite measure up against 1980’s “Clones” and 1983’s “I Love America,” but it still far surpasses Alice’s late 80s and early 90s hair metal period.

CLASS OF 1984 belongs to a branch of entertainment that includes such notables as not only BLACKBOARD JUNGLE but also BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, OVER THE EDGE, ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, RIVER’S EDGE, and PUMP UP THE VOLUME, as well as the “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video.

Commando (1985)

day 63, commando

COMMANDO (1985) Three-and-a-half stars
In some ways, COMMANDO is the ultimate comic book movie, although it’s merely based on a screenplay by Steven de Souza and a story by de Souza, Joseph Loeb III, and Matthew Weisman rather than something adapted from DC or Marvel.

It moves fast, thankfully so very, very fast because it keeps us from looking at logical mistakes, continuity errors, and the like. There’s a lot of them and we cruise right past them, because it’s onward and forward to the next bit of action. From the first scene, it’s nonstop action for 90 minutes, larger-than-life action with a larger-than-life hero who’s funnier than, for example, Howard the Duck.

Arnold Schwarzenegger made for a great villain in THE TERMINATOR and he made for a great comic book action hero in COMMANDO, a style that he would again utilize to great effect in PREDATOR and TOTAL RECALL. He’s the right size of personality and fighting style for John Matrix, and he’s believable in an unbelievable world that’s like a heightened macho take on terrorism in news reports.

Both the director Mark L. Lester and screenwriter de Souza are right at home with an exaggerated macho world. Lester directed THE CLASS OF 1984, the Punks vs. Teachers public school nightmare world epic from 1982 that should be required viewing for substitute teachers or anybody entering a public junior high or high school today for the first time. De Souza wrote screenplays for the first 48 HOURS and the first two DIE HARD pictures, so he proved himself at writing the mixture of action with comedy that worked for Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, and Eddie Murphy, especially Schwarzenegger, who seemed to have studied Clint Eastwood.

Just as Eastwood perfected reading lines like “Go ahead, make my day,” “Smith and Wesson … and me,” and “Why don’t you boys suck some fish heads, huh?” by the time of SUDDEN IMPACT, Schwarzenegger did the same in several of his films from THE TERMINATOR and PREDATOR to KINDERGARTEN COP and TERMINATOR 2. There’s a reason Schwarzenegger’s dialogue became the basis for soundboards. He just might be at his funniest on film throughout COMMANDO. (For the ultimate Schwarzenegger experience, try his 1983 “Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Total Body Workout.” Nirvana edited together clips from “Total Body Workout” to most humorous effect when the band played the U4 on November 22, 1989 in Vienna, Austria, Schwarzenegger’s native land.)

Take his exchanges with Sully, one of the prerequisite henchmen who’s a genuine sleaze (played by none other than David Patrick Kelly, who did this kind of creep in THE WARRIORS, 48 HOURS, and DREAMSCAPE, for example).

At one point early in the movie, Matrix tells Sully, “You’re a funny guy Sully, I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.”

Later on, though, we get a great big payoff based on his promise that he would kill Sully last.

Did anybody remember this exchange when Schwarzenegger ran for Governor of California in the 2003 recall election?

You should remember Matrix’s line “I eat Green Berets for breakfast and right now, I’m very hungry” right alongside Nada’s “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass … and I’m all out of bubblegum” from THEY LIVE.

In one of his funniest reviews, Roger Ebert on the “Siskel & Ebert” program boiled COMMANDO down to its essence: “Schwarzenegger tough guy, bad guys kidnap daughter, he blow ’em up real good.” Ebert said the script was written on the back of a small envelope.

They made some great choices for the actors who played the bad guys. In addition to Kelly, they picked Dan Hedaya, Vernon Wells, and Bill Duke. They’re actors who you love to hate, especially Hedaya, who’s been effective in that role in everything from BLOOD SIMPLE to THE HURRICANE. He made a great Richard Nixon in DICK.

Back when reviewing THE FLY (1986) a couple months ago, I touched on how it and DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978) work on several more levels than just merely being horror movies.

To a slightly lesser extent, the same holds true for COMMANDO within the action movie genre. Other Schwarzenegger films work on additional levels.

In THE TERMINATOR, for example, we get an unexpected tender love story between Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn) and Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton).

In COMMANDO, we get the airline stewardess character named Cindy and played by Rae Dawn Chong, a part that Sharon Stone and Brigitte Nielsen wanted.

“The part was written for a Caucasian actress,” Chong said, “so I knew I had only one shot. My first reading with Arnold was this weird scene where he pulls a dildo out of my handbag. I knew other actresses were stumbling, because the character was supposed to shrug and say, ‘It gets lonely on the road.’ I thought that was so lame, so when my turn came I screamed and said, ‘That’s not mine!’ It got me the part. Was Arnold embarrassed about the dildo? Not even slightly. He didn’t break a sweat running a state, and he didn’t break a sweat handling a dildo then.”

Of course, there was a plan for a sex scene between Matrix and Cindy when they’re en route to the dictator’s island, but the studio did not like a Schwarzenegger and Chong pairing just as surely as Universal Pictures did not want a Schwarzenegger and Grace Jones pairing in CONAN THE DESTROYER. It worked out for the best in the long run, because that final scene of Matrix and his daughter boarding the plane with Cindy says all there needs to be said.

Cindy gives COMMANDO an extra dimension, a nice change of pace within a hypermacho world, and characters like her lift a genre picture even higher above others.