TROG (1970) ***

Joan Crawford began her long cinematic career in 1925 as the double for Norma Shearer in LADY OF THE NIGHT.

She appeared in small roles in Erich von Stroheim’s THE MERRY WIDOW, King Vidor’s THE BIG PARADE, and Fred Niblo’s BEN-HUR: A TALE OF THE CHRIST and first made her fame in Tod Browning’s THE UNKNOWN, her 20th screen credit already by 1927.

Crawford survived the transition from silent to sound and she won the Academy Award for Best Actress for her performance in the 1945 film noir MILDRED PIERCE.

That brings us to her final screen appearance, TROG.

To the best of all knowledge, Crawford (1906-77) is the only Academy Award winner to star in a caveman movie and speak lines “Please, Trog, let me have the girl!” and “Music hath charms that soothes the savage beast.” Aben Kandel wrote the screenplay and Peter Bryan and John Gilling received credit for original story.

Granted, she’s also the only Academy Award winner to star in a Blue Öyster Cult song, a ditty inspired by the book and the film MOMMIE DEAREST written by Crawford’s far beyond estranged daughter Christina. The boys turned Joan Crawford into more of a monster than Godzilla. That part in the song where Mommie Dearest is calling for bad little Christina, it just doesn’t get much better than that in this oh so cruel bitch of a world. “Joan Crawford has risen from the grave,” indeed.

Back on point: I enjoyed TROG a good deal, and it’s one of those films that inspires the very best stories.

Film critic Pauline Kael (1919-2001) wrote, “Joan Crawford plays Stella Dallas with an ape instead of a baby girl. Some actors will do anything to be in movies: she probably would have played the ape.”

Herman Cohen (1925-2002), a producer whose credits include BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA and I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF, said that Crawford’s alcoholism raged during TROG and she had 100-proof vodka in her frosted Pepsi Cola glass. He added that Crawford brought four cases of the juice with her to England, because of its unavailability in Merrie Olde. (Speaking of Pepsi, Crawford, once married to the chairman of the board and CEO of Pepsi and then herself a board of the directors member, works in one brief moment of product placement during an early scene.)

Freddie Francis (1917-2007), a two-time Academy Award winner for Best Cinematography for SONS AND LOVERS and GLORY, said that he regretted directing TROG (which he called terrible) and that Crawford had so much trouble remembering her lines they had to resort to using “idiot cards” to get through her scenes.

Former English professional wrestler Joe Cornelius played the title character in TROG and he defended Crawford against those accusations in a 2015 interview with cult film director and fan John Waters after the British Film Institute retrospective of the film.

In the ring, they called Cornelius “The Dazzler.” From the Online World of Wrestling, “What a presence ‘The Dazzler’ made when he entered the ring, the wavy jet black hair, the dazzling smile, the eyebrows! Damn! He had it all, a personality as big as the Royal Albert Hall and ring savvy second to none, he was like a puppet master with strings fastened to the hearts of every member of the audience.”

Guess at this point we should discuss exactly what’s a Trog.

Trog is short for “troglodyte” or a person who lived in a cave, especially in prehistoric times. He’s proclaimed, in promotion of the film, as having the strength of 20 demons, so it makes perfect sense to have Cornelius play the role.

Crawford stars as Dr. Brockton, who of course represents science against those who just want to destroy the “monster.” She wants to reach and teach Mr. Trog. She wants to domesticate “The Missing Link,” half-man and half-ape with a costume borrowed from 2001. These domestication scenes are worth their weight in gold, especially the one when Trog learns how to play catch. “Good boy, Trog!”

Thankfully, for the sake of the movie and its cult following, Crawford does not condescend to her role. She plays it absolutely 100 percent straight and resolutely serious. In other words, Crawford plays it just like she did in MILDRED PIERCE. That makes TROG even funnier than if she just played it winking at the audience the entire time.

Michael Gough (1916-2011) opposes Brockton and Trog from his very first appearance. I doubt Gough used TROG in his audition for Tim Burton’s BATMAN, because his bad manners here as Sam Murdock do not mesh with Alfred Pennyworth, Bruce Wayne’s dedicated butler. We await the fate that waits for Mr. Murdock and it is well worth the wait.

During his attempted domestication, Trog freaks out both at the color red and more upbeat music.

That got me thinking: What if they played Trog the Troggs’ “Love is All Around” from 1967? Just forget about “Wild Thing.” Yes, the Troggs, an English rock band originally called the Troglodytes before the name was shortened, had a huge impact on future noise with their songs covered by Jimi Hendrix, the Buzzcocks, and Hüsker Dü.