Jaws in 3D (1975 / 2022)

JAWS IN 3D (1975 / 2022) ****
When I first read the announcement Jaws 3D would be released to theaters in early September 2022, I mistook it for the Jaws 3-D from 1983 and I thought why in the bloody hell anybody would unleash that bloody awful movie once again … Just when you thought it was safe to go back in a movie theater … because there couldn’t be that much interest really in a third-rate Jaws movie.

I watched Jaws for the first time on the big screen in June 2020, sitting between my wife Lynn on the left and my mom on the right. We ate lunch beforehand at a place called Sharky’s Pub and Grub, and they might even have a Jaws poster. Just when you thought it was safe to go into a restaurant. My stepdaughter Emily and her friend watched E.T.

Jaws is another one of those movies that I would stop and watch every time I would come across it on cable TV, whether it played on TBS or TNT or part of a Jaws marathon 4th of July weekend on one of the premium channels.

Anyway, I decided to watch Jaws in 3D on Saturday, Sept. 3, which just happened to be National Cinema Day. $3 tickets for every showing, every showtime, every format. I had never seen the multiplex so busy; the theater had all hands on deck, and apparently 8.1 million people attended theaters across the nation on that day. Despite not being the biggest 3D fan, I thought why not bloody Jaws, of course a movie not originally in 3D, at that relatively budget price. There was a decent-sized crowd for this 47-year-old blockbuster pioneer, and they remained mostly quiet except for a couple of the most famous shock moments.

I thought it was a great experience, not only because I got to keep the glasses.

I long considered Jaws a very good movie, an ideal one to watch on cable TV when you just want to laze around and watch a movie, but after the last two times I’ve seen it in a movie theater, Jaws has dramatically increased in stature. It’s a great movie.

First and foremost, I appreciate Roy Scheider as Police Chief Martin Brody, Robert Shaw as Quint, and Richard Dreyfuss as Matt Hooper more every single time I watch Jaws.

Three great characters, three great performances, and they are something the other three Jaws films obviously lack. Scheider returns as Brody for Jaws 2, but it’s not the same.

George Burns (The Sunshine Boys) beat out Brad Dourif (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest), Burgess Meredith (The Day of the Locust), Chris Sarandon (Dog Day Afternoon), and Jack Warden (Shampoo) for Best Supporting Actor at the 1976 Academy Awards, but none of them approach Shaw’s work in Jaws.

Shaw makes an unlikable character likable by not even trying to be likable, and we feel his death scene more than just about any other in movie history. It is truly a horrifying moment, and despite the fact that I’ve watched Jaws 50, 75, 100, however many times, I still don’t want to see Quint lose his grip and slide right into the mouth of that great white shark.

Recently, I mentioned the incredible chemistry between Fred Ward and Kevin Bacon in Tremors. Scheider and Dreyfuss have a similar chemistry as Brody and Hooper, and I’m glad Jaws made Hooper infinitely more likable, excised Hooper’s extramarital affair with Brody’s wife, and let him survive along with Brody in the movie.

Shaw and Dreyfuss are great together, especially when they’re landing jabs and throwing shade at each other.

At one point in Jaws, Hooper describes the shark, and he could just as well be talking about Jaws itself and its capacity to make thrills, What we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, an eating (thrill) machine. It’s really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks (thrills), and that’s all.

Of course, that’s not all with Jaws, a truly scary classic that also generates lots of laughter and lots of emotion.

Revenge of the Creature (1955)

REVENGE OF THE CREATURE (1955) **1/2
Once upon a time, Universal Studios took more time between sequels: The Bride of Frankenstein four years after Frankenstein, Dracula’s Daughter five after Dracula, The Invisible Man Returns seven after The Invisible Man, and The Mummy’s Hand eight after The Mummy.

Universal threw all that right out the window during the 1940s and churned out four Mummy, three Invisible Man, four Frankenstein, two Dracula, and five Wolf Man pictures, although the studio mashed just about every monster it had for bashes like House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula, and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein so my numbers might be a slight bit inaccurate.

Creature from the Black Lagoon premiered Feb. 12, 1954, and it became a box office success. Of course, that meant two sequels, Revenge of the Creature in 1955 and The Creature Walks Among Us in 1956, and the latter sequel closed out a 31-film run of horror movies for Universal that began with 1925’s The Phantom of the Opera and continued through Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, The Mummy, The Invisible Man, and The Wolf Man.

Revenge of the Creature will seem awful familiar to first time viewers, and not only because it’s a sequel to a legendary horror film. No, when I watched it for the first time, I thought about how much fellow Universal production Jaws 3 (1983) ripped off from Revenge. Both movies were made in 3-D and the later sequel borrowed and updated several plot elements from the earlier one, mainly a monster on the loose in an amusement park.

Revenge proves to be far more enjoyable and memorable than Jaws 3.

Clint Eastwood’s motion picture career had to start somewhere, and that somewhere happens to be Revenge. His one scene occurs somewhere about 10 minutes in. He plays college lab assistant Jennings, intended comic relief. Back to the Future Part III (another Universal sequel) worked in a nod to both Revenge and Tarantula, Eastwood’s second appearance in an Universal creature feature / monster movie from 1955 directed by Jack Arnold. Eastwood plays the jet squadron leader in Tarantula, and Mr. Eastwood helps blow up the title character real good in a preview of his future action hero glory. I recommend Tarantula over Revenge of the Creature, but they do make a suitable double feature, sharing not only Arnold (and Eastwood) but producer William Alland, actors John Agar and Nestor Paiva, and Henry Mancini stock music.

At this point, I should mention that protagonists Professor Clete Ferguson (Agar) and Helen Dobson (Lori Nelson) spend most of the second half of Revenge locked in suck face embrace. Holy cow, why didn’t they just get a room … or a romantic comedy or something. I have not seen two love birds like Clete and Helen since Rod Arrants’ Tom Rose and Joanna Kerns’ Marilyn Baker in the 1976 anti-classic Ape. In all honesty, I wanted The Gill Man to come in and break up Clete and Helen sooner rather than later … and it just doesn’t happen soon enough.

I certainly don’t believe that Agar and Nelson are improvements from previous leads Richard Carlson and Julie Adams, and I don’t recall Creature bludgeoning us over the head with their romance. Revenge shows that our horny Gill Man does not discriminate in the hair color of leading ladies, loving and lusting after both brunette (Adams) and blonde (Nelson). How progressive! Nelson naturally spends a lot of her screen time scantily clad, in swimsuit and even her lingerie in one scene much to the delight of the Gill Man and likely millions of teenage boys of all ages in 1955. Here we are 65 years later and I’m not complaining, just merely stating actual factual information.

Yeah, anyway, Revenge takes its sweet time in getting to the good parts again once it gets the Gill Man into captivity and for that very reason, it ranks below not only Creature from the Black Lagoon and Tarantula but also The Incredible Shrinking Man, the 1957 science fiction classic from Universal directed by Arnold.

Revenge possesses some of the same virtues as Creature, especially sensational underwater photography, and it’s nice they at least brought Nestor Paiva’s enjoyable Lucas character back for the sequel without killing him off in his early appearance. I am looking forward to watching The Creature Walks Among Us and finishing the Universal Classic Monsters series.

Jaws III (1983)

JAWS III (1983) One star
In the movies, three is most often not a magic number.

In the movies, three is most often not a magic number.

Were the second and third entries less interesting than the first?

Of course, they were and that principle applies to sequels like, for example, JAWS III, a long, long way down from the original JAWS directed by Steven Spielberg.

JAWS: THE REVENGE pretended JAWS III — originally titled JAWS 3-D — never happened and that’s something I would like to do with both movies.

Nah, I take it back, because I enjoy both movies for their epic badness. I’ve watched both whenever I’ve had the chance and I hope that I will always be able to marvel once again at their incredible ineptitude.

In the business, they have what’s known as the Idiot Plot or that’s when everything would be figured out much sooner if the characters were not complete idiots.

In JAWS III, it takes our protagonists incredibly long to figure out that our Great White Mother’s inside the park.

I chortle when female protagonist Kathryn Morgan (Bess Armstrong) says the following dialogue, “Overman was killed inside the park. The baby was caught inside the park. Its mother is inside the park.”

This dramatic moment instead plays comedic.

Honestly, though, I live for that moment partially because earlier Morgan explains the bite radius, a plot detail essential to any JAWS film. Right, JAWS: THE REVENGE?

There’s a couple more favorite moments in JAWS III that I will try and get through sooner or later within this review.

Now, however, I’ll go through some of the problems with JAWS III one-by-one. We already hit the Idiot Plot, the film’s biggest problem.

— Weak characters: The original JAWS featured three great characters in Sheriff Brody (Roy Scheider), Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss), and Quint (Robert Shaw). Brody returned in JAWS 2 — Universal had Scheider by the balls and made him do JAWS 2 — and there’s not a single great character in JAWS III or JAWS: THE REVENGE. Not a one.

— Weak shark: In JAWS 2, the shark stood out more than any human character, including Sheriff Brody and Mayor Larry Vaughn. Especially them darn insipid teenagers. Not in JAWS III. The Great White Mother in JAWS III does not approach the ridiculousness of the fourth JAWS entree, but a plot that has a mother shark taking revenge for her son, why that’s just preposterous and plain out-of-character for a shark. I might owe ORCA THE KILLER WHALE (1977) an apology.

— Weak big moment: Let’s briefly set this one up. It’s late in the movie and Morgan and her love interest Mike Brody (Dennis Quaid), park manager Calvin Bouchard (Louis Gossett, Jr.), and two park technicians are inside the control room. Of course, here comes the Great White Mother and it’s obviously going to crash through the glass in full-on 3D glory. Here it comes … here it comes … here it comes … 2D anticlimax! I don’t know what else to say but this scene’s even more laughable than our great-shark-inside-the-park-revelation scene, especially with Morgan and Brody’s priceless slow-motion reactions leading up to the shark’s crash.

— Them damn dolphins: Yes, Cindy and Sandy, who are worse than our teeny boppers from JAWS 2, believe it or not. Granted, to their credit, Cindy and Sandy figure out the plot faster than anybody else in the movie. Cindy and Sandy (a.k.a. “The Shrieking Dolphins”) went up against some tough competition at the 1984 Razzies for Worst New Star — Finola Hughes in STAYING ALIVE, Reb Brown in YOR, THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE, Loni Anderson in STROKER ACE, and the grand prize winner Lou Ferrigno in HERCULES.

Okay, okay, that’s enough for now.

I’ll close on what I consider to be the great mystery from JAWS III.

Does anybody out there know what the following dialogue even means: “You tell Shelby Overman for me he can take a flyin’ leap in a rollin’ doughnut on a gravel driveway, you hear?”