JAWS: THE REVENGE (1987) No stars

Just when you thought it was safe to see a JAWS movie again.

In the JAWS III review, we discussed the Idiot Plot.

That’s when all the characters have to be idiots to propel the plot forward.

Now, with JAWS: THE REVENGE, we have under consideration another idiotic plot.

I mean, if you’ve never seen this one, you better get that suspension of belief ready for the workout of its life.

You will need every single bit of it for a plot where not only does a shark pursue revenge against a single family — them poor Brodys from Amity Island — but this shark follows said familial unit all the way from New England to the ol’ Bahamas after the shark dispatches widow Ellen Brody’s youngest son in the opening sequence.

Maybe it’s another shark who owes the New England shark something fierce and so he carries out the New England shark’s vendetta against one family. The New England shark just dials up the Bahamas shark and gives him the assignment over the phone.

Maybe the New England shark found the Bahamas shark’s number on a bathroom wall in a watering hole, a genuine dive.

Going back a couple paragraphs, yes, it’s true that our New England shark sets a trap for Sean Brody (Mitchell Anderson), who’s a policeman just like dear old Martin Brody. Sean survived a shark in three previous JAWS installments, but not in this one where he’s outsmarted by a (mechanical) shark. This is just plain ridiculous, but it does prepare us for the ridiculousness ahead.

On his JAWS Wiki entry, “Devoured by Vengeance” is listed as Sean’s cause of death.

Oh, by the way, we might as well get this bit of trivia out of the way before we move on to bigger fish, but four different actors play Sean and Michael Brody in the JAWS series.

Jay Mello played Sean in JAWS, followed by Marc Gilpin in JAWS 2, John Putch in JAWS III, and Anderson in THE REVENGE.

The higher-profile character Michael gets higher-profile actors for at least a couple movies in Dennis Quaid in JAWS III and Lance Guest in THE REVENGE. Chris Rebello and Mark Gruner had the honor in JAWS and JAWS 2, respectively.

Just some random thoughts:

— You might wonder how in the world Lorraine Gary could possibly get top billing. She’s terrible in this movie, for crying out loud.

Well, let’s see, she was married at the time to Universal Studios boss Sidney Sheinberg. (Gary, now 81 years old, and Sheinberg were married for more than 62 years, until he passed away March 7, 2019, at the age of 84.)

Gary came out of retirement for THE REVENGE. Her first feature was the first JAWS and her last was THE REVENGE.

Looking at her movie credits, an earlier role describes Gary’s acting in her last feature.

In CAR WASH, Gary played the “Hysterical Lady,” obvious training for THE REVENGE.

Of course, if you’re terrified by sharks like a curse down the generations, one might argue that it’s justification for being hysterical.

Nah, if the Brodys moved to Kansas, for example, their problem would be solved and their life expectancy would probably be elongated by many years.

Instead, they go back in the ocean. Every single time.

— We get a very awkward romance between Ellen and Hoagie, played by Michael Caine, so we have the first shark movie suitable for geriatric consumption.

Filming THE REVENGE caused Caine to miss the 1987 Oscar ceremony,  where he earned Best Supporting Actor for HANNAH AND HER SISTERS.

Caine did give us a great quote about THE REVENGE, “I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.”

Hoagie, a charter pilot who carries Michael Brody and his dear friend Jake (Mario Van Peebles) to their shark rendezvous, crash-lands his plane late in the movie in the ocean and he’s submerged. Of course, for a split-second, we think he’s shark chow, especially when our great revenge seeker devours his plane.

Not only does Hoagie survive this close encounter of the shark kind, but when he climbs aboard the ship, he’s completely dry and looks freshly laundered.

Apparently, Caine’s explanation for this epic continuity error was that the filmmakers waited so long for the camera to turn over that Caine’s shirt and pants dried in the sun.

— Honestly, THE REVENGE plays like one continuous error.

I mean, what can you say about a movie where the best thing you can say about it is that the children’s choir gives a good performance. Oh, I forgot to mention, shame on me, THE REVENGE takes place around Christmas. Yeah, sure, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Mario Van Peebles chose a laughable accent.

THE REVENGE abuses “It’s Only A Dream” scenes.

Multiple endings exist for this movie, one where Van Peebles survives and the other where his character dies. I’ve seen both, and either way, it doesn’t really matter.

Characters have flashbacks to events where they were not present.

Back to the shark. This one is a doozy, and for even more reasons than what’s already been covered within this space. “Bruce the Shark” roars. Maybe he’s in pain. Maybe he couldn’t believe what he did for the money. Maybe he’s mad that he looks faker than ever before. He even swims backwards, probably in an effort to escape THE REVENGE. Isn’t that how one of the explorers went around the world?

Believe it or not, THE REVENGE finds an even more ridiculous way to kill the shark than the previous entries.

You know what, I do believe that we can believe it with this particular movie.