Kingdom of the Spiders (1977)

KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS (1977) ***
John ‘Bud’ Cardos’ Kingdom of the Spiders proved to be a pleasant surprise.

First, I remembered Cardos directed The Dark, one of the worst movies of 1979.

Second, I remembered the last time I saw Kingdom of the Spiders star William Shatner in a cowboy hat, yes, the absolutely ridiculous The Devil’s Rain, one of the worst movies of 1975.

Third, Kingdom of the Spiders starts out with the country number “Pleasant Verde Valley.”

Finally, Kingdom of the Spiders starts out slow, real slow, tipped off by No. 3.

Kingdom of the Spiders, though, kicks into high gear around the hour mark and it’s a whole lot of fun the final 35-40 minutes once the spiders attack Camp Verde, Arizona, and the tarantulas take complete control of the picture, hence being a pleasant surprise.

Kingdom of the Spiders borrows from such motion picture immortals as The Birds, Jaws, and Night of the Living Dead. That’s all part of the fun, when you enjoy something like Kingdom of the Spiders. Otherwise, it’s one more objection to a failure, like, for example, such bombs from the same era as The Giant Spider Invasion, Food of the Gods, and fellow 1977 release Empire of the Ants.

On the other hand, I have a weakness for Nature Attacks movies. There’s Frogs, starring killer amphibians, birds, insects, and reptiles, plus a crotchety old Ray Milland and a topless Sam Elliott. There’s Night of the Lepus, pairing a mutated killer rabbit infestation with a character actor infestation featuring Janet Leigh, Stuart Whitman, Rory Calhoun, and DeForest Kelley. There’s Squirm, where killer worms and a pair of redheads played by Don Scardino and the perky Patricia Pearcy wreak havoc on Fly Creek, Georgia, after one helluva storm. All of them are good fun and I’ve been known to call Frogs — great fun — better than The Godfather. Ditto for Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster.

Anyway, Kingdom of the Spiders works a thousand times more than The Giant Spider Invasion because it decides on real spiders — many spiders, how many exactly, how about 5,000, I mean that fact alone creates shivers down the spine — rather than a Volkswagen Beetle converted into a silly giant spider invasion. The Giant Spider Invasion doesn’t help itself when Alan Hale’s Sheriff exclaims, “You ever see the movie Jaws? It makes that shark look like a goldfish!” Giant mistake.

Also, the characters in Kingdom of the Spiders are far more likable than the ones in The Giant Spider Invasion. I mean, I eventually forgave Shatner for the cowboy hat — it’s better than the one he wore for The Devil’s Rain — and I even got over the fact that his character’s named “Rack Hansen.”

I remember an elementary school teacher calming the nerves of several pupils who were scared silly by a tarantula. She told us they’re harmless, they’re not poisonous anyway, they just look big and scary and very, very frightening indeed, and Kingdom of the Spiders brought me back 30 years to that moment in time. I’m just thankful our teacher did not show us Kingdom of the Spiders afterwards to counteract her moral lesson on tarantulas.

X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes (1963)

X: THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES (1963) ****

I had wondered long and hard for many years where Al Jourgensen found a certain sample for a cover version of Black Sabbath’s “Supernaut” that appeared on the Ministry greatest hits compilation “Greatest Fits.”

This incredible sample about halfway through “Supernaut” goes something like, “I’ve come to tell you what I see. There are great darknesses. Farther than time itself. And beyond the darkness … a light that glows, changes … and in the center of the universe, the eye … the eye … the eye … the eye … the eye.”

There I was minding my own fucking business on a hot Saturday night in early June 2020, watching the thrilling conclusion of a pretty damn good little science fiction horror movie called X: THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES, directed by Roger Corman and starring the reliably good Ray Milland. Then, hot dog, what do I hear but “I’ve come to tell you what I see. There are great darknesses. Farther than time itself. And beyond the darkness … a light that glows, changes … and in the center of the universe, the eye that sees us all.” I said to myself, “You magnificent bastard! That’s that sample from ‘Supernaut!’”

Before that discovery, I already thought X was one groovy movie. After that discovery, though, I am convinced it’s a great movie.

I must admit upfront to having a bias in favor of Ray Milland (as well as Roger Corman, for that matter). Milland (1907-86) has never let me down so far and that includes his Academy Award-winning performance as a struggling alcoholic writer in Billy Wilder’s THE LONG WEEKEND, his battle of minds with John Williams’ Chief Inspector Hubbard in DIAL M FOR MURDER, his ultimate cantankerous old coot Jason Crockett in FROGS, his ultimate hateful old bigot Maxwell Kirshner in THE THING WITH TWO HEADS, and his better-than-average Disney live-action villain Aristotle Bolt in the better-than-average Disney live-action film ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN. To be honest, I enjoy FROGS every bit as much as DIAL M FOR MURDER and Milland proves responsible for much of the enjoyment of both films.

He’s very good in X as Dr. James Xavier, whose name immediately puts the X-Man character Charles Xavier to mind. Are they related?

In X, Xavier develops special eye drops that give himself X-ray vision and with this great power comes terrible repercussions, of course. Xavier just cannot stop himself from pushing the limits farther and farther. He must see what no man has ever seen before. His friend and colleague Dr. Brant (Harold J. Stone) tries stopping Xavier and Xavier accidentally kills Brant. Xavier goes on the run, first to a carnival, then to a Las Vegas casino, and finally to a religious tent revival that leads to one helluva conclusion.

One of the great scenes begins when Xavier’s lovely colleague Dr. Diane Fairfax (Diana Van der Vlis) takes the X-Man to a groovy little party where everybody just loves to do the Twist. Xavier’s X-ray vision kicks in at some point and we ponder what this scene would have been like had the movie came out in 1969. Even greater.

Before closing soon, I should mention Don Rickles’ strong performance and Dick Miller’s enjoyable one as carny heckler.

X: THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES should be a treat for Corman, Milland, science fiction, horror, American International, sample, Black Sabbath, Ministry, Rickles, and/or Miller connoisseurs. Speaking only from personal experience, it was for me.

Night of the Lepus (1972)

NIGHT OF THE LEPUS (1972) Three stars

Janet Leigh (1927-2004) famously said that she never took another shower after her iconic scene in PSYCHO.

Wonder what she said after her performance in William F. Claxton’s NIGHT OF THE LEPUS.

Reportedly, Leigh said “I’ve forgotten as much as I could about that picture.”

Well, Claxton ain’t quite Hitchcock and NIGHT OF THE LEPUS ain’t quite PSYCHO, but this 1972 picture certainly deserves a far better reputation. Like PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, it’s simply just too darn entertaining to be anywhere near the “worst movie ever made.”

After all, it’s not every day that you see a bad movie featuring Leigh, Stuart Whitman, Rory Calhoun (1922-99), DeForest Kelley (1920-99), Paul Fix (1901-83), and a cast of all-star killer rabbits. They’re playing it straight and not condescending to the material. Give them at least that much credit.

The single biggest gripe against NIGHT OF THE LEPUS: The killer rabbits are not scary. I don’t know if there’s ever been a single review of NIGHT OF THE LEPUS that’s gone without making a major note about the premise itself and then the botched execution of that bad idea.

Claxton and crew obviously worked very hard to make the homicidal rabbits more imposing and terrifying. They constructed miniature sets for regular-sized rabbits to run wild through, filmed them from angles conducive to making the rabbits appear larger-than-life, and cooked up very convincing guttural noises for our furry friends when they’re in full-on beast mode. Basically, our title characters look like they’re running wild on the set of a Western filmed in the back lots of Arizona … and I believe that’s exactly what happened.

Maybe one day they’ll cross NIGHT OF THE LEPUS with THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN.

As far as rabbits not being scary, I do believe these complainers have not encountered that dynamite rabbit from MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL and Ted “Theodore” Logan’s brush with the Easter Bunny from Hell in BILL AND TED’S BOGUS JOURNEY.

Rabbits can be scary. In theory, anything could be scary, if done right.

Honestly, I don’t know if I could handle a truly scary killer rabbit picture.

The producers did their best to obscure the nature of the killers in promoting NIGHT OF THE LEPUS, apparently booking on the fact that millions did not know the Latin word for rabbit.

They believed that people would not waste their time and money on a killer rabbit picture.

Idiom: “A fool and his money are soon parted.”

Well, here we are at least 47 years after the release of NIGHT OF THE LEPUS and I received a DVD copy of the film for an early Christmas present. It’s a gift that’s already kept on giving.

On first re-watch, I enjoyed NIGHT OF THE LEPUS all over again and I actually enjoyed it more at the age of 41 being able to see all its flaws more clearly than when I first watched the film in late prepubescence. I enjoyed all the melodramatic efforts to make the rabbits scary (especially the bloody aftermath of rabbits on the rampage scenes), all the scientific mumbo-jumbo, all the scenes of the rabbits on their attack route (Pamplona with rabbits and no people), all the blatantly obvious set-ups for blatantly obvious payoffs, the ridiculous final plan to exterminate the rabbits and restore natural order, and I especially loved watching the all-star cast diligently keep a straight face through all the silliness and earn their paychecks.

It’s still a notch below such contemporaneous classics as FROGS, GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER, and INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS.

The Thing with Two Heads (1972)

THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (1972) Three stars

Former NFL player Rosey Grier and 1946 Academy Award for Best Actor winner Ray Milland are the two heads. Let’s get that out of the way right from the start.

Top-billed Milland plays a brilliant scientist with terminal cancer who finds trial success with a two-headed gorilla (Rick Baker’s preparation for KING KONG). He comes up with a diabolical scheme to keep on living. Just like Spinal Tap lead singer David St. Hubbins once said, “It’s such a fine line between stupid, and clever.”

Second-billed Grier plays a convicted murderer on Death Row who has volunteered his body to medical science.

Doctors transplant Milland’s head onto Grier’s body, since both are running out of time. Maybe the wrong Grier, because just imagine Milland’s head, for example, on Pam Grier’s body. Now, that would be interesting. American International Pictures could have made it happen, at least for a sequel, but unfortunately it’s too late since Milland passed away in 1986.

You might not believe this, but Grier’s Jack Moss is an innocent man and Milland’s Maxwell Kirshner is an unapologetic racist. Try and imagine a TV show where they put Archie Bunker’s head on George Jefferson’s body.

Honestly, I don’t think THE THING WITH TWO HEADS takes off until it gets Milland and Grier out of the hospital and into the open after their transplant. That’s about the halfway point of the picture, when they kidnap black doctor Fred Williams (Don Marshall) and Moss and Kirshner both do their best negotiating to get the good doctor on their side. They both face challenges, in Moss being on Death Row and Kirshner being an unrepentant bigot. They both want the other head removed.

THE THING WITH TWO HEADS devotes several minutes to a chase scene with many police cars in hot pursuit of a “two-headed monster.” You really have not lived until you see this chase, especially after Grier and Milland commandeer a motor bike, make their way through a race course, and evade 14 crashing police cars en route to a safe haven. These policemen are incredibly incompetent: They cannot shoot, cannot drive, and cannot even close a trunk on their downtrodden squad cars. Yes, they do drive, but just look at their end results. Like a test reel for SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT and THE BLUES BROTHERS.

Milland plays basically the same character that he does in FROGS, another 1972 production from American International; FROGS came out on March 10 and THE THING WITH TWO HEADS on July 19. Milland sinks his teeth into the dialogue in both films and he gives off the feeling of an unhappy camper in both performances, but it works for his characters. Reportedly, Milland sweated so much during the production of FROGS, filmed in the Everglades, that his toupee fell off several times; additionally, he hated the production so much that he left it three days early.

Grier, meanwhile, has lived an interesting life to say the least and a starring role as one of the heads in THE THING WITH TWO HEADS barely scratches at the surface of that life, believe it or not. Grier played college football at Penn State and then professionally for the New York Giants and the Los Angeles Rams from 1955 through 1966. He served as a bodyguard for Robert Kennedy during the 1968 presidential campaign and it was Grier who subdued assassin Sirhan Sirhan. Grier hosted a TV show, enjoyed a recording career, became an ordained minister, spoke at the 1984 Republican National Convention, and entertained running for the Governor of California in 2018, lest we forget Grier’s 1973 book “Rosey Grier’s Needlepoint for Men.” He’s the last living member of the Rams’ “Fearsome Foursome,” a defensive line that included Deacon Jones (1938-2013) and Merlin Olsen (1940-2010).

Grier even gets to show off his singing ability just a little bit in the final moments of THE THING WITH TWO HEADS and let’s just say that, of course, the film ends on “Oh Happy Day.” It is just that kind of a movie.

NOTE: I would assign the film’s trailer four stars. It is 2 minutes, 21 seconds of greatness, especially with that dynamite opening line “It seemed like a good idea at the time,” which might just be exactly what many people have said after seeing THE THING WITH TWO HEADS.

Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)

DAY 6, GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER

GODZILLA VS. HEDORAH (1971) Three-and-a-half stars
Greg Kihn’s “The Breakup Song” posited that they don’t write ’em like that anymore.

Well, they don’t make movies like GODZILLA VS. HEDORAH (Toho Company title and version in 1971) or GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER (American International title and version in 1972) or, for that matter, movies like INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS and INFRA-MAN anymore. Where do you start with movies like that? Where do you end?

GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER must be seen to be or not to be believed. It’s ridiculous, absolutely and sublimely ridiculous, in ways that only a truly great “bad” movie can be.

Honestly, though, I don’t think it’s bad at all and it’s definitely infinitely better than the 1998 American GODZILLA starring Matthew Broderick. I mean, come on, Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin, you create a pair of characters based on Siskel & Ebert after their negative reviews of your previous movies and then you don’t have the testicular fortitude to kill them off. Wusses!

This is the 11th GODZILLA movie in the series and it honestly features just a little bit of everything.

No, seriously.

The IMDb plot summary: “From Earth’s pollution a new monster is spawned. Hedorah, the smog monster, destroys Japan and fights Godzilla while spewing his poisonous gas to further the damage.”

That only barely scratches the surface of GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER. Even if the movie only revolved around that plot summary, I would be interested, but this flick goes the extra mile to entertain us.

Just yesterday I wrote about how I love it when a horror movie takes on more than just being a horror movie and gives us more.

That applies to Godzilla movies or any genre for that matter.

In this 11th Godzilla movie, we have a pro-environmental message replete with a song titled “Save the Earth,” we have a psychedelic freakout in a club with a tripping dude conjuring up partiers adorned with fish heads, we have weird animated interludes, we have little scientific lessons on nebulas and the like, we have a smog monster who looks more like a shit monster, and, last but definitely not least, a flying Godzilla, yes, a flying Godzilla using his atomic breath for jet propulsion. Was the similar scene in ROBOCOP 3 a tribute?

Those are simply the highlights.

Thankfully, the Save-the-Earth message doesn’t get too preachy or smug (it’s not ripe to be mocked by “South Park”) because of everything else surrounding it.

It’s a dark movie overall and genuinely scary in a few parts, because, let’s face it, none of us want to be killed by a shit monster.

Godzilla and Hedorah go 15 rounds in a heavyweight fight.

Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster could have been paired with Ali vs. Frazier, a creature feature before or after the boxing match.

The geniuses at American International ran GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER together with FROGS. What a pair! Best pair since Marilyn Monroe, right?

I’ve long been fascinated by what movies are titled in country from country. We’ve already covered a pair of titles for the 11th Godzilla movie and here’s four more. How about HEDORAH, LA BURBUJA TOXICA (Spain) or HEDORAH, THE TOXIC BUBBLE.

GODZILLA CONTRA MONSTRUOS DEL SMOG (Mexico) or GODZILLA AGAINST MONSTERS OF SMOG.

FRANKENSTEIN’S BATTLE AGAINST THE DEVIL’S MONSTER or FRANKSTEINS KAMPF GEGEN DIE TEUFELMONSTER in German.

GODZILLA CONTRE LE MONSTRE DU BROUILLARD (French) or GODZILLA AGAINST THE MONSTER OF FOG.

That’s just a brief international title sampler.

Frogs (1972)

DAY 1, FROGS

FROGS (1972) Three-and-a-half stars
“Today the pond . . . tomorrow the world.”
— FROGS tagline

FROGS is a creepy, malevolent little thriller with one of the best taglines in the history of promotion. Writer and satirist Fran Lebowitz called FROGS “the best bad movie I have ever seen in my life.” Yours truly calls it a damn good time at the movies.

We have a remote island ’round the Florida Everglades owned and operated by a crotchety old wheelchair bound millionaire named Jason Crockett (Ray Milland). See, Crockett’s a miserable old coot akin to both Dickens’ Scrooge and Disney’s Scrooge McDuck. Crockett bosses around everybody in his orbit and it’s a joy to behold. Bet this old man wishes that he could have been in A CHRISTMAS CAROL rather than FROGS. Seeing Milland in a wheelchair created recollections of Jimmy Stewart in REAR WINDOW. Yeah, Stewart and his character got a better deal.

Crockett throws himself a major shindig (family and their friends) celebrating both our nation’s birthday and the patriarch’s birthday. By the way, both John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died July 4, 1826, our country’s 50th anniversary. Mass amphibians and reptiles play the role of the ultimate party crashers here, taking over the Crockett mansion and isle. Bet this never happened to the Rockefellers and the Vanderbilts and the Waltons.

There are frogs, toads, snakes (both land and water), lizards, turtles, alligators, spiders, and leeches, an impressive unwanted guest list and cast. They’re not mutated in size, only numbers. Apparently. Like Hitchcock’s THE BIRDS, nobody explains this phenomenon in clinical detail. We do not require an explanation. An explanation would only cheapen the effect. Interesting tidbit: 500 Florida frogs and 100 giant South American toads made a great escape during the production of FROGS.

Aesthetically, we get extended close-ups of frogs and toads. Even the frog statues owned by Crockett are ominous. All these close-ups reminded yours truly of both DUCK AMUCK and SUNSET BOULEVARD, where Daffy Duck and Gloria Swanson demanded close-ups. Daffy and Gloria should have been in FROGS. Would Ms. Swanson have played a frog? You can bet Daffy would have.

On top of that, the massed amphibians and reptiles pick off the Crockett family and friends one-by-one as if they have studied horror film killing techniques. They are smooth and systematic operators, and they give Milland one of the great telephone scenes in movie history. Bet they Dial M for Murder! It’s all a whole lot of fun.

I believe all the way back in the BAT PEOPLE review we covered how snakes and spiders are creepy, although usually more so in real life than movies. Yes, indeed, they are creepy, especially in a film where Les Baxter’s musical score sounds like it was affected by radioactive waste. Here we have a claustrophobic wheelchair bound old man on an island of his own design,who believes in spraying every living intruder dead with pesticides and finally all these pests are his uninvited guests at his funeral. This is a film that crowds in on its characters and we get a legitimate sense of the suffocating Southern Gothic atmosphere of this island and how some of these characters have already lost their damn minds after centuries of incest and years of pesticides. Eat the rich, indeed. What a great little bad movie.