Dracula (1931)

DRACULA (1931) ****
I remember being first disappointed by the 1931 Dracula and that disappointment carried over for more than two decades.

Around the turn of the 21st Century, I bought the 1999 VHS release and that’s what I first watched, the one with Classic Monster Collection across the top and then New Music by Philip Glass and Performed by Kronos Quartet immediately below. Of course, I thought Bela Lugosi as Dracula and Dwight Frye as Renfield were absolutely incredible, David Manners as Jonathan Harker and Edward Van Sloan as Professor Van Helsing and Helen Chandler as Mina Harker less so, and I loved director Tod Browning’s 1932 Freaks at first sight contemporaneous with Dracula. Freaks remains one of my absolute favorite movies, so obviously some movies hit people right from the start and others just simply take more time or sometimes they never make that deep, personal connection others do.

For the longest time, at least a decade if not longer, I thought Dracula was overrated and paled in comparison against Freaks, Frankenstein, The Bride of Frankenstein, and The Wolf Man, all of which I first saw around the same time as Dracula and I loved, absolutely loved, and still do love all of them. At the time, I also loved Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein more than Dracula.

It was that darn Philip Glass / Kronos Quartet score that stank up Dracula and I still get a big kick out of the Triumph the Insult Comic Dog couplet, Philip Glass, atonal ass, you’re not immune / Write a song with a fucking tune. I remember my wife complained about Glass’ score for the experimental non-narrative film Koyaanisqatsi and I bristled at his score for Candyman upon revisiting that 1992 film for the first time in several years.

Revisiting the 1931 Dracula in recent years, without the Glass / Kronos score and back closer to how it first appeared in theaters on Feb. 14, 1931, it’s risen in stock from three to three-and-a-half and finally four stars. I cannot deny that it still has a fair share of faults, like those performances I mentioned earlier and the stage-bound production quality since it’s based off the 1924 stage play adapted from Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel, but I’ve grown appreciation for everything that works from the opening scenes in Transylvania to Lugosi (1882-1956) and Frye (1899-1943), who inspired later songs from Bauhaus (Bela Lugosi’s Dead) and Alice Cooper (The Ballad of Dwight Fry).

It also helps one to catch up with the Spanish language Dracula from the same year and the same sets but a different cast, a different language, and a different director. This Spanish version, rediscovered first in 1978 and then later on video in 1992, lasts 30 minutes longer and it’s better in almost every respect than its famous counterpart. Better shot and better looking, vastly superior cleavage and far sexier women (Lupita Tovar over Helen Chandler any day of the millennium), and less wimpy men in the Spanish version, but Lugosi still prevails against Carlos Villarias.

Several lines had already entered the lexicon decades before I first watched Dracula: I never drink … wine. For one who has not lived even a single lifetime, you’re a wise man, Van Helsing. Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make. Even I am Dracula belongs somewhere in the pantheon near Bond, James Bond. Lugosi’s ability or lack thereof speaking the English language actually benefits the otherworldly nature of his Dracula and I hold his performance in high regard alongside Max Schreck in Nosferatu, Christopher Lee in Dracula, and Gary Oldman in Dracula.

I have a long relationship with vampires.

I remember the 1985 Fright Night being the highlight of a boy slumber party circa 1988 and third or fourth grade.

I must have been 11 or 12 years old and in the fifth or sixth grade when reading the Stoker novel. Right around that point in time, I also read Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Hound of the Baskervilles and Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I loved all three of them and they each fired up my imagination and creative spirit.

A few years later, I caught up with the Francis Ford Coppola version and talk about a movie that wowed a 14-year-old boy. I remember staying up late and sneaking around (somewhat) to watch this Dracula on my bedroom TV, captivated by all the nudity and sexuality and violence and Winona Ryder and Sadie Frost and it recalled some of what I liked about the novel all while becoming a cinematic extravaganza. I know critics of the 1992 Dracula blasted the film for being all style, no substance and for being overblown, but I think it’s overflowing with creativity and sheer cinematic beauty. I rate it right up there with F.W. Murnau’s Nosferatu as one of the best vampire films ever.

Some things simply transcend Keanu Reeves’ horrible accent and Dracula’s at one point beehive hairdo.

The vampire genre itself transcends such duds as Dracula 2000 and New Moon.

The Vampire Bat (1933)

THE VAMPIRE BAT (1933) ***
The Vampire Bat would otherwise be a forgotten horror entry were it not for the presence of four members of the Horror Movie Hall of Fame, three of them surefire first ballot inductees.

Fay Wray (1907-2004) earned her claim to be the First Lady of Horror and the first scream queen through her work alone in the 1933 classic King Kong. Ann Darrow gave Wray instantaneous immortality, but she also starred in Doctor X, The Most Dangerous Game, The Vampire Bat, and Mystery of the Wax Museum in a year period leading up to King Kong. She was no one-hit wonder.

Lionel Atwill (1885-1946) appeared in a variety of horror movie roles over a 15-year period, in such entries as Doctor X, The Vampire Bat, Mystery of the Wax Museum, Mark of the Vampire, Son of Frankenstein, The Ghost of Frankenstein, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, House of Frankenstein, and House of Dracula. He generally played a mad doctor or an authority figure, be it Inspector Krogh (Son of Frankenstein) or the Mayor (Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man). Atwill essayed an inspector in several Universal horror flicks.

Salina, Kansas born Dwight Frye (1899-1943) received a tribute nearly 30 years after his death when Alice Cooper released “Ballad of Dwight Fry” on the 1971 album Love It to Death, one of those classic Cooper morbid ballads / epics. Babe Ruth once said that he was paid more than Herbert Hoover because he had a better year than the President and Frye should have been able to say the same in 1931, between his roles in Dracula and Frankenstein, but it’s doubtful Universal paid a supporting actor in any movie more than the greatest home run hitter. Renfield’s presence certainly would have made the Kamala Harris-Mike Pence vice-presidential debate more interesting.

Melvyn Douglas (1901-81) enjoyed a 50-year acting career and he won Academy Awards for his supporting performances in Hud and Being There, but he earned his spot in the hallowed halls of horror history by appearing in the 1932 classic The Old Dark House.

In other words, Wray, Atwill, Frye, and Douglas elevate The Vampire Bat.

Samurai Cop (1991)

SAMURAI COP

SAMURAI COP (1991) ***

An outtake is defined as “a scene or sequence filmed or recorded for a movie or program but not included in the final version.”

Blown lines and stunts, we all know the routine by now.

Hal Needham and Jackie Chan may have made outtakes for the end credits a cinematic institution, but Iranian “jack of all trades and master of none” Amir Shervan (1929-2006) directed SAMURAI COP, a feature movie solely comprised of outtakes.

Shervan trumped such legendary figures as Dwain Esper, William “One Shot” Beaudine, Bert I. Gordon, Bill Rebane, Ray Dennis Steckler, and even Ed Wood in absolute sheer incompetence.

Like a select few bad movies, SAMURAI COP is so, so, so bad in so, so, so many marvelous ways that it passes all the way through bad into good. It belongs filed next to Efren C. Pinon’s THE KILLING OF SATAN and Claudio Fragasso’s TROLL 2.

— Mathew Karedas, a.k.a. Matt Hannon, stars as Joe Marshall. Most people, though, just call him “Samurai Cop.” Joe must be the least convincing samurai in all history, cinematic and otherwise. For one, Joe’s entire look screams more Fabio and Kato Kaelin than, let’s say, Toshiro Mifune and his most dangerous weapon brandished is that damn speedo he spends what feels like the entire second half of the movie in. Anyway, for somebody allegedly well-versed in the Japanese vernacular, he sure does struggle pronouncing the name “Fujiyama.” When asked by his partner Frank Washington (Mark Frazer) what “katana” means, Joe snaps back “It means Japanese sword.” You don’t say, you don’t say.

— Samurai Cop arguably spends more time being a ladies man than anything else. No, seriously, he beds three, er, two women and he even blatantly talks about the beauty of another woman in the presence of his lover. Smooth, real smooth. Late in the 96-minute spread, he tells his future conquest, “Let’s just say … I can read eyes.” I wish that you couldn’t read dialogue.

Here’s a dialogue exchange from the Planet-X:

 

Nurse: Do you like what you see?

Joe Marshall: I love what I see.

N: Would you like to touch what you see?

JM: Yes. Yes, I would.

N: Would you like to go out with me?

JM: Uh, yes I would.

N: Would you like to fuck me?

JM: Bingo.

N: Well, then let’s see what you’ve got …

[Nurse investigates Joe’s bulge]

N: Doesn’t interest me. Nothing there.

JM: Nothing there? Just exactly what would interest you, something the size of a jumbo jet?

N: Have you been circumcised?

JM: Yeah, I have, why?

N: Your doctor must have cut a large portion off.

JM: No, uh, he was a, he was a good doctor.

N: Good doctors make mistakes too, that’s why they have insurance.

JM: Hey … don’t worry. I got enough. It’s big.

N: I want bigger.

[Nurse walks away]

 

I doubt that any screen lothario has ever partaken in dialogue that bad and the sound that we just heard is Rudolph Valentino saying “Thank you” for having made only silent movies.

That dialogue plays like a combination of a porno movie and “Dick and Jane” (most of the rest of the movie belongs to knocking off LETHAL WEAPON) and it belongs alongside the SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON interchange in the anals, er, annals of cinematic history:

 

Cataline Stone: I’m exhausted.

Ben Carpenter: Yeah, me too. But you know I’m really wired. What do you say … I take you home and eat your pussy.

 

Boy, that’s just about as great as the whole “Fini can water you” debacle from YES, GIORGIO.

— Lead actor Matt Hannon thought he was done with the picture and got himself a short haircut. Several months later, Shervan looked up Hannon and informed him they were going to reshoot scenes. Unfortunately, Hannon still had short hair. I say unfortunately because Hannon wears one of the least convincing wigs ever made during SAMURAI COP. It does not help that Hannon’s wig flies off during a late fight scene and the actor also displays his obvious displeasure having to wear his wig. Yeah, it’s that bad.

— The chase scenes alternate between moving incredibly slow (nothing like slow-moving cars …) and being artificially sped up (… except for cars that zip along unnaturally). Yes, there are times when the action in SAMURAI COP plays like a silent film projected at the wrong speed.

— Not sure that I want to spend that much more time and space on SAMURAI COP, because I don’t want to risk writing a dissertation. Yes, over 750 words feels like I have been writing on this movie for a long time. However, there’s so many more things wrong but right about SAMURAI COP that we could be here all day, ironic for a movie that lasts a meager 96 minutes. Just imagine SAMURAI COP at GONE WITH THE WIND length.

— In a review long ago, I wrote that the 1979 Chuck Norris action vehicle A FORCE OF ONE combines a standard issue cops and criminals plot acted out by a good cast with martial arts and a “very subtle” anti-drug message that plays like one of those infamous 1980s TV commercials, only featuring roundhouse kicks.

On that note, we can end this review with a public service announcement from SAMURAI COP: “Now I’m telling these son-of-a-bitches that we respect the Japanese of this country, who are honest businessmen. And yeah, this is the land of opportunity for legitimate business, not for death merchants who distribute drugs to our children through schools and on the streets. Now I’m telling these motherfuckers that if they continue killing our children to make their precious millions that they deposit in their secret Swiss bank accounts, counselor, before your lawsuit even gets off the court clerk’s desk, I’ll have their stinking bodies in garbage bags and ship them back to Japan for fertilizer.”

Beautiful, absolutely beautiful, and it makes me want to pop a top on an ice cold one and blast Alice Cooper’s “I Love America.”

Sextette (1978)

SEXTETTE

SEXTETTE (1978) ***

Mae West made her final theatrical film, SEXTETTE, in her mid-80s.

Please, just take a second and consider that statement.

How many people of any age, let alone somebody outside their golden years, have the chance to be the center of a Hollywood movie?

West, who made her first film NIGHT AFTER NIGHT in 1932 and then became a cinematic legend after SHE DONE HIM WRONG, I’M NO ANGEL, and BELLE OF THE NINETIES, had that chance more times than most people.

Your response to SEXTETTE will probably center upon how you feel about seeing West (1893-1980) performing the same act that made her fame and fortune … only 45 years older. Can you buy a woman her age being a sex symbol pursued by virtually every man in the movie? That’s the proverbial $64,000 question.

Granted, we’re not talking about just any woman, even an octogenarian. We’re talking about Mae West, a force of nature blessed with a splendid bosom and a splendid wit. But not in her advanced age, at least the splendid bosom part? Anyway, I think it’s more important whether or not you can believe the characters in the movie finding her sexy.

I believe West here as Marlo Manners, a world famous sex symbol and movie star who also does some important work for her country, repeats a line from Lady Lou in SHE DONE HIM WRONG, “Why don’t you come up some time and see me?”

Must be a slow news day in the world of SEXTETTE, because Marlo’s marriage to Sir Michael Barrington (Timothy Dalton), her sixth husband, seems to be all that’s covered. Regis Philbin’s coverage starts off the movie and then we have Gil Stratton and Dana, er, Rona Barrett. They all play themselves.

SEXTETTE is a tribute, albeit one that’s ridiculous, to Mae West.

There’s quite simply not any other film like it, then again there’s never been anybody quite like Mae West.

For example, West and Dalton sink their vocal chords into the Neil Sedaka and Howard Greenfield song made world famous by Captain & Tennille in 1975, “Love Will Keep Us Together.”

That comes after the infamous “Hooray for Hollywood” number and before the Jimmy Carter impersonator. You’ll never believe it until you see it yourself, but this Jimmy Carter rip-off eats peanuts. Crazy.

Ringo Starr and Keith Moon each make appearances, Starr a director and Moon a designer, and I wonder why they did not cast John Bonham and Charlie Watts. SEXTETTE came out a few months before Moon’s death in early September ‘78.

Alice Cooper sings a piano ballad in SEXTETTE in the same year that he played Uncle Sam, er, Father Sun in SGT. PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB, a musical that gets my vote for one of the worst films of 1978 and one of the worst movies ever made. Cooper’s Father Son sings “Because” in SGT. PEPPER. Both Cooper songs from 1978 movies are worse than his “He’s Back (The Man Behind the Mask)” for 1986’s FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI: JASON LIVES, believe it or not.

SGT. PEPPER brings us back to Mae West, who initially refused the four mop tops permission for her image to appear on the famous album cover, because, get this, she would never be part of any lonely hearts club.

Back to SEXTETTE.

Dom DeLuise (1933-2009) earns the most laughs in the picture, I mean he works hard for the money in SEXTETTE as he delays Marlo and Sir Michael consummating their marriage. Tony Curtis (1925-2010) tries on a Russian accent as one of Marlo’s five ex-husbands and I just want to point out that other Curtis films released in 1978 are THE MANITOU and THE BAD NEWS BEARS GO TO JAPAN. Could it be possible that SEXTETTE is the least ridiculous among those three movies?

George Raft (1901-80) recommended West for NIGHT AFTER NIGHT and plays himself in SEXTETTE, his penultimate film. Furthermore, West and Raft a couple two days apart in 1980 — West November 22 and Raft November 24.

I would be reticent, socially irresponsible even, not to mention that George Hamilton plays another ex-husband. Here’s a man who’s played Hank Williams, Evel Knievel, Dracula, and (later) Zorro, so I don’t think playing alongside Mae West intimidated him in the slightest. I bet he’s got some terrific stories.

NOTE: Crown International Pictures released SEXTETTE and Crown’s renowned for such films as THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS, THEY SAVED HITLER’S BRAIN, and ORGY OF THE DEAD, not to mention teenage sex comedies THE BEACH GIRLS, MY TUTOR, WEEKEND PASS, and TOMBOY.

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

JASON LIVES

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI: JASON LIVES (1986) Three stars

I find the FRIDAY THE 13TH movies that I like the most are the ones with the best sense of humor.

That’s why I’ll call PART VI: JASON LIVES the best film in the entire series, beating out PART III and THE FINAL CHAPTER. JASON LIVES includes several intentionally funny scenes and that helps its 86 minutes go down smoothly.

Director and writer Tom McLoughlin wanted to satirize a slasher movie all while making one, turn Jason into a supernatural zombie, and not simply churn out a carbon copy of the five previous movies in the series. There are moments intended to recall classic horror movies, like the beginning scene in the cemetery echoes the grave robbers at the beginning of FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN. Jason’s revival from the dead courtesy lightning also recalls Frankenstein’s Monster.

“I set up a lot of visual gags,” McLoughlin said in the book “A Strange Idea of Entertainment — Conversations with Tom McLoughlin.” “Like when my wife Nancy is killed by Jason. She tries to bribe him, offering him her wallet to keep him from killing her. She’s got money and a credit card in her wallet, and when Jason kills her in this giant mud puddle, the money sinks and the American Express card floats. I held on that shot for a few extra beats because I knew there would always be some joker in the theater that would yell, ‘Don’t leave home without it!’ And someone always did.”

McLoughlin’s background proved to have a strange influence on Jason Voorhees.

“I was recently interviewed about it, and someone said, ‘Your Jason seemed to be much more communicative,’” McLoughlin said. “I said, ‘That’s because I was dealing with a mime character.’ When he sees the motor home bouncing up and down because a couple are having sex in there, Jason just stands there and stares, with his head tilting back and forth — like a dog trying to figure out what’s going on. It got a big laugh. I wasn’t making fun of Jason … I just figured he would be processing what was going on in that motor home. Whenever I find a way to put my mime training to use in storytelling, I do it.”

Marcel Marceau influenced Jason Voorhees. Makes perfect sense to me.

McLoughlin sang in a rock band before he went to Paris to study mime under Marceau. Back in the States, several years later, McLoughlin had a part as the mutant bear monster in the 1979 horror film PROPHECY directed by John (MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE) Frankenheimer. All these experiences seemingly fed McLoughlin more insight into Jason than any other director.

Alice Cooper provided three songs for JASON LIVES:  “Teenage Frankenstein,” “Hard Rock Summer,” and “He’s Back (The Man Behind the Mask).” Unfortunately, they are not classic Alice Cooper songs, a la the four-album period from “I Love It to Death” through “Billion Dollar Babies” when the band cranked out some of the greatest hard rock ever made, but I still enjoy “He’s Back.” SCREAM later made great use of the Alice classic “School’s Out.”

Speaking of SCREAM, apparently screenwriter Kevin Williamson wanted McLoughlin to direct his hot commodity screenplay, before the project ended up with Wes Craven. Williamson told McLoughlin that JASON LIVES and its humor made a huge impact on Williamson during his youth, so much so that it served as one of the inspirational springboards for SCREAM.

There’s a James Bond gun barrel sequence parody, dialogue that breaks the proverbial fourth wall, a camper reading Jean-Paul Sartre’s existentialist play “No Exit,” a camper praying to God for the first (and only) time in the series, and even Jason surprised at his own astonishing strength. Also, for the first and only time in the series, young campers are in attendance at Camp Forest Green, er, Camp Crystal Lake.

“I’ve seen enough horror movies to know any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly” and “Some folks sure got a strange idea of entertainment” are lines that display how JASON LIVES influenced SCREAM.

The young children, who Jason does not harm, have their moments, as well, especially when one boy asks his little friend, “So, what were you gonna be when you grew up?”

All these words so far and I have not even mentioned protagonist Tommy Jarvis, who figured in THE FINAL CHAPTER, A NEW BEGINNING, and JASON LIVES. He’s responsible for reviving Jason in the opening sequence and Tommy even makes sure to bring that infamous hockey mask with him. Originally, it had been planned for Tommy to become the antagonist, but it was the extremely negative reaction to A NEW BEGINNING and its non-Jason killer which truly brought Jason back from the dead. Tommy never panned out like he should have and part of the problem is that he’s played by three different actors, Corey Feldman (THE FINAL CHAPTER), John Shepherd (A NEW BEGINNING), and Thom Mathews (JASON LIVES).

Anyway, definitely by this point in the series, Jason became the focus of attention and the antihero extraordinaire of the late ‘80s. Dan Bradley played Jason in the paintball massacre sequence, but former soldier C.J. Graham handled the rest of the duties. He’s a lot more interesting than Tommy Jarvis. That’s why the series moved forward with Jason (Kane Hodder the man behind the mask for four more sequels) and without Tommy Jarvis.

Class of 1984 (1982)

CLASS OF 1984

CLASS OF 1984 (1982) Three-and-a-half stars

Given its exploitation film content including gore, nudity, profanity, sex, and violence, CLASS OF 1984 will not be shown to new teachers or substitute teachers any school year soon.

Not that it should, but a little independent research never hurt anybody.

I don’t remember, though, if I first watched CLASS OF 1984 during or after my three years as substitute teacher in the late 00s. However, I do remember that it made a strong impact with its story of how an idealistic music teacher eventually gives into the dark side and murders his most unruly students at an inner city high school. It’s definitely the movie to see after DANGEROUS MINDS, LEAN ON ME, all that feel good uplifting claptrap.

Watching CLASS OF 1984 again in a decade since I substituted, it still brings on memories of the little punks who threatened violence, who said they would sue, who just ran their mouths incessantly, and who made getting through another day feel like an endurance contest from Hell. For every good student, it often seemed like there were two or three or twenty bad ones in every class. “I would love to punch you in the face,” one junior high student said. “Go ahead, give it your best shot,” the substitute teacher said. Thankfully, not every day substitute teaching was quite like that.

In that spirit, though, we return to our regularly scheduled review of CLASS OF 1984.

Be warned: This is a rough little movie, a nasty piece of work at times, but if you can make it through scenes like the biology teacher’s murdered rabbits and the rape of the music teacher’s wife, this 1982 update on the 1955 classic BLACKBOARD JUNGLE does have its merits.

The performances help lift this film above mere exploitation trash: Perry King as the music teacher, Roddy McDowall as the biology teacher, Timothy Van Patten as every teacher’s worst nightmare, and Michael J. Fox (in an early role) as one of the good students.

King makes for a likable protagonist and takes us from one end of the picture to the next. We are behind him every step of the way, and that’s critical during the film’s violent final act as enough has become more than enough for this music teacher. Those damn punks go too far, far enough for at least a couple exploitation films. Roger Ebert called the climax a cross between THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME and BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS.

McDowall (1928-98) had a knack for supporting performances that almost steal a movie away from their nominal stars, and he displays that knack here in CLASS OF 1984, especially when he cracks and teaches his biology class by gunpoint. I bet you’ll remember how many chambers are in the human heart with a gun pointed at you, and I also bet that Richard Kiley (from BLACKBOARD JUNGLE) wishes he could have got a scene like that after the punks in his film had their way with his favorite jazz records. Damn kids, damn punks.

[Review resumed about two weeks later.]

To work properly, this genre requires a repugnant piece of work going up against the hero and Van Patten certainly provides that as teenage antagonist Peter Stegman. Audiences have been known to cheer his demise. Stegman’s personality profile on Villains Wiki, “A totally violent, sadistic, ruthless and mentally unstable teenager. He will hurt anyone who he thinks is threatening his authority over the school, or he will also kill them with no remorse or regrets.” In a different movie, Stegman’s piano-playing ability would have been exploited for a different kind of feel-good ending, not one where you feel good the bastard’s dead.

You can see why Fox became a superstar, even in a supporting performance.

CLASS OF 1984 director Mark L. Lester also directed TRUCK STOP WOMEN, WHITE HOUSE MADNESS, BOBBIE JO AND THE OUTLAW, GOLD OF THE AMAZON WOMEN, ROLLER BOOGIE, FIRESTARTER, and COMMANDO. Now, that’s some filmography and I’ll say that it’s close (real close) between CLASS OF 1984 and COMMANDO for his best work.

A movie like this needs a proper soundtrack.

Nearly two decades before AMERICAN GRAFFITI, BLACKBOARD JUNGLE made waves with its use of Bill Haley and the Comets’ “Rock Around the Clock.” What an opener!

Alice Cooper provides “I Am the Future” for CLASS OF 1984. Mr. Cooper has the ideal credentials for scoring a teenage rebellion pic: specifically “I’m Eighteen,” “School’s Out,” and “Teenage Lament ‘74” from his glory days. As far as mid-period solo Alice standards go, “I Am the Future” does not quite measure up against 1980’s “Clones” and 1983’s “I Love America,” but it still far surpasses Alice’s late 80s and early 90s hair metal period.

CLASS OF 1984 belongs to a branch of entertainment that includes such notables as not only BLACKBOARD JUNGLE but also BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, OVER THE EDGE, ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, RIVER’S EDGE, and PUMP UP THE VOLUME, as well as the “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video.

House of Wax (1953)

HOUSE OF WAX

HOUSE OF WAX (1953) Four stars
I’m a big fan of the late, great St. Louis born Vincent Price (1911-93).
 
Like most people from my generation, I first discovered Price through his voice work on Michael Jackson’s mega-hit “Thriller.”
 
Over time, of course, I began to encounter more and more of his work and I became more and more of a fan.
 
A couple of my favorites include his narration on Alice Cooper’s “Black Widow” from the 1975 Cooper album “Welcome to My Nightmare” (AC’s first solo LP) and THEATER OF BLOOD (1973).
 
“Black Widow” foreshadowed Price’s work on “Thriller.”
 
THEATER OF BLOOD lets Price sink his teeth into a juicy role and plot scenario — an irate Shakespearean actor who takes ultimate revenge on all his critics. It’s a lot of fun.
 
Several movies have taken cheap shots at critics over the years — for example, GODZILLA ’98 gave us the buffoonish Mayor Ebert and his aide Gene and LADY IN THE WATER (2006) knocked off that pretentious killjoy Harry Farber, a no-count film and book critic — but THEATER OF BLOOD gets it just right, unlike both GODZILLA and LADY IN THE WATER.
 
In the case of GODZILLA, Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin didn’t even have the guts to have their Godzilla devour their Siskel & Ebert parodies. Chicken shits. I mean, were they holding out hope their film might still get a positive review? You know it’s bad when M. Night had more balls than you.
 
Anyway, in the spirit of a Camper Van Beethoven song, I have to ask ‘Where the hell am I?’
 
Oh yeah, Vincent Price and his incredibly entertaining HOUSE OF WAX, a remake of the 1933 horror film MYSTERY OF THE WAX MUSEUM.
 
By the way, Warner Bros. packaged together the 1933 with the 1953 film on a DVD and it’s not every day that you get two good movies for the price of one.
 
Now, I can add HOUSE OF WAX to the Price favorites list.
 
Price stars as Prof. Henry Jarrod, who’s absolutely committed to his wax museum. They’re not just wax figures to him. After all, they are extremely lifelike — a fine art — and he sums up the essence of his art with this dialogue, “Once in his lifetime, every artist feels the hand of God, and creates something that comes alive.”
 
Jarrod especially loves his Marie Antoinette, “Everything I ever loved has been taken away from me, but not you, my Marie Antoinette, for I will give you eternal life.” (Just pretend using Price’s voice while reading the dialogue.)
 
Jarrod thinks first and foremost in artistic terms, whereas his business partner Matthew Burke (Roy Roberts) hatches a devious scheme. If they set the wax museum ablaze, they can collect the $25,000 insurance policy and split it straight down the middle. Jarrod cannot believe his ears, for he loves his wax museum and his creations too much to see them destroyed for money.
 
Burke and Jarrod fight it out, with Burke ultimately winning the upper hand and burning down the wax museum with Jarrod inside. Burke believes Jarrod died … of course, Jarrod survives, enacts his revenge, and starts his wax museum all over bigger and better.
 
File the wax figures burning under “Great Movie Scenes.”
 
In early September 1988, a fire claimed the lives of 300 wax figures from the Southwestern Historical Wax Museum in Grand Prairie, Texas.
 
Lost were figures of Elvis, JFK, Robert Redford, and Paul Newman.
 
“One of the things that has made this fire so difficult to fight was the fact these figures are just like a candle,” Lt. Doug Conner said. “They generate tremendous heat. It appears it’s totally destroyed.”
 
The burning down of the wax museum certainly proves to be a great opener for HOUSE OF WAX.
 
HOUSE OF WAX came in the wake of the first 3-D feature, BWANA DEVIL (1952), and it gives us one of the best 3-D scenes I have ever seen. This scene comes right after intermission.
 
We have a barker for Jarrod’s new wax museum known as the House of Wax. We all know barkers, right, are people who “attempt to attract patrons to entertainment events, such as a circus or fair, by exhorting passing members of the public, announcing attractions of show, and emphasizing variety, novelty, beauty, or some other enticing feature of the show.”
 
Our barker seems to be an elite paddle ball player and he breaks the fourth wall, as he directly addresses the audience and hits the paddle ball toward us.
 
“Well, there’s someone with a bag of popcorn. Close your mouth, it’s the bag I’m aiming at, not your tonsils.”
 
This is better than anything in JAWS or AMITYVILLE 3-D.
 
There’s more choice moments in HOUSE OF WAX, and it’s essential viewing for Price fans.
 
Five must-see Vincent Price films:
— HOUSE OF WAX (1953)
— THE FLY (1958)
— HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1959)
— THEATER OF BLOOD (1973)
— VINCENT (1982)