Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)

WILLY WONKA

WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971) Three-and-a-half stars

Over the years, many individual performers have walked away with a movie and made it their own. For example, Gene Wilder in WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

Wilder provides one of the great movie entrances at about the 45-minute mark of the picture and it’s about darn time because it’s a bit of a slog before we reach the chocolate factory. Our expectations are very high by this point in the picture and Wilder’s Willy Wonka meets and even surpasses them. It was Wilder himself who insisted that he make such an entrance.

“When I make my first entrance, I’d like to come out of the door carrying a cane and then walk toward the crowd with a limp,” Wilder said. “After the crowd sees Willy Wonka is a cripple, they all whisper to themselves and then become deathly quiet. As I walk toward them, my cane sinks into one of the cobblestones I’m walking on and stands straight up, by itself; but I keep on walking, until I realize that I no longer have my cane. I start to fall forward, and just before I hit the ground, I do a beautiful forward somersault and bounce back up, to great applause.”

This entrance establishes Wonka’s unpredictability right from the start.

Wilder magnificently expresses all the sides of Willy Wonka’s personality. It turns on a dime from joy and wonder to malevolent anger at the selfish children who found their golden ticket in a Wonka bar. Their golden tickets earned the children a pass to Wonka’s factory. The five children are Augustus Gloop, Veruca Salt, Violet Beauregarde, Mike Teavee, and Charlie Bucket and they are each joined by one parent or grandparent in the case of final ticket winner Charlie Bucket. The bad children are punished in unspeakable, horrifying ways for their indiscretions. That’ll show ‘em and serves ‘em right, greedy little bastards.

When the beloved Wilder died in 2016 at the age of 83, I thought immediately of his performance as Willy Wonka and his spotlight song “Pure Imagination,” a number written by the British duo of Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley. “If you want to view paradise / Simply look around and view it / Anything you want to do it / Wanna change the world / There’s nothing to it / There is no life I know / To compare with pure imagination / Living there you’ll be free / If you truly wish to be.” At its very, very best, WILLY WONKA approaches THE WIZARD OF OZ and Wilder’s on par with Margaret Hamilton and Frank Morgan and gang. They all share a certain joy of performance that’s wonderful to behold.

Like THE WIZARD OF OZ, WILLY WONKA undoubtedly introduced multitudes of children to scary movies. The Haunted Forest, the Wicked Witch of the West, flying monkeys, et cetera, in the 1939 film and the Oompa-Loompas and the boat ride in WILLY WONKA.

“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” author Roald Dahl (1916-90) absolutely hated the 1971 screen adaptation. Dahl received credit for writing the screenplay, but it was the uncredited David Seltzer who came in and made script changes that raised Dahl’s ire.

What did Mr. Dahl hate about the picture? The shift in focus from Charlie to Willy Wonka. Check. The musical numbers. Check. Casting Gene Wilder rather than Spike Milligan, Dahl’s stated preference. Check. Guess the question should be changed to what didn’t Mr. Dahl hate about WILLY WONKA. This whole situation reminds one that Stephen King hates Stanley Kubrick’s THE SHINING.

I saw WILLY WONKA for the first time in fifth grade (1990) and read Dahl’s novel the next school year. I loved Dahl’s novel, but I have not read it since completing it during sixth grade, roughly the same age as the precocious golden ticket winners. Meanwhile, I have seen the 1971 version several times since that first encounter nearly three decades ago, on cable TV (Teavee), VHS, and DVD. I do think of the film more often than I do the book, and I believe that it has almost everything to do with the Wilder performance.

I have skipped Tim Burton’s 2005 adaptation CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY & I just remember being appalled from the start by still photographs of Johnny Depp’s take on Willy Wonka. Remember that scene in ANIMAL HOUSE when the older members of Delta Tau Chi pelt that picture of pledge Flounder with beer cans? That’s about how I feel every time I see a picture of Depp as Wonka. (Generally speaking, I have no problem with Burton and Depp movies. I love ED WOOD and like SLEEPY HOLLOW and SWEENEY TODD a lot.)

In a 2013 interview with Turner Classic Movies host Robert Osborne (1932-2017), Wilder shared his true feelings on the 2005 version.

“I think it’s an insult,” he said. “Johnny Depp, I think, is a good actor, but I don’t care for that director [Tim Burton]. He’s a talented man, but I don’t care for him doing stuff like he did.”

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939) Four stars

I watched THE WIZARD OF OZ for the first time since my Grandma died and the experience naturally brought on a lot of precious memories.

After all, I watched THE WIZARD OF OZ for the first (and second and third …) time at my Grandma’s house. She loved the movie and every now and then, she also talked about how many times she went to the movies to watch GONE WITH THE WIND. It was several, and I can remember hearing the delight in her voice just talking about it. She turned 10 years old in 1939, one of Hollywood’s hallowed years with MGM productions THE WIZARD OF OZ and GONE WITH THE WIND headlining. GONE WITH THE WIND was the TITANIC of its day, but a 4-hour historical soap opera did not enter my priority list until college. I watched THE WIZARD OF OZ a good dozen times before I got through GONE WITH THE WIND even once.

It was the CBS broadcast of THE WIZARD OF OZ that we watched together and the first time I can remember it I must have been 8 years old. Like IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, THE WIZARD OF OZ became an annual TV event for generations of Americans. I first watched IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE at my Grandma’s house and it assumed the position of a holiday tradition for many years. I want to say that IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE played on the local NBC affiliate.

Seeing THE WIZARD OF OZ for the 20th or 30th or 40th or 50th time (I lost track) in my life before this review, I found myself singing the songs, yes, every single line of every single darn song, but the most pleasure I experienced came from imitating the Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton). I mean, I doubt that anybody who’s ever watched THE WIZARD OF OZ can resist imitating her voice on the all-time classic line “I’ll get you, my little pretty, and your little dog, too.” Hamilton virtually steals the movie and she’s so much more fun than that darn Glinda the Good Witch (Billie Burke), whose goodness decreases over time.

The Wicked Witch finished in fourth place on the American Film Institute’s top 50 villains list (2003), behind Hannibal Lecter, Norman Bates, and Darth Vader and ahead of Nurse Ratched, Mr. Potter, Alex Forrest, Phyllis Dietrichson, Regan MacNeil (when possessed), and the Evil Queen in the top 10.

Ironically enough, Hamilton served as a school teacher before her acting career. She became known for terrifying children … but she retained a lifelong commitment to education.

I wish I could have met Hamilton (1902-85).

“Almost always they want me to laugh like the Witch,” she said. “And sometimes when I go to schools, if we’re in an auditorium, I’ll do it. And there’s always a funny reaction, like they wish they hadn’t asked. They’re scared. They’re really scared for a second. Even adolescents. I guess for a minute they get the feeling they got when they watched the picture. They like to hear it but they don’t like to hear it. And then they go, ‘Oh…’ The picture made a terrible impression of some kind on them, sometimes a ghastly impression, but most of them got over it, I guess. … Because when I talk like the Witch and when I laugh, there is a hesitation, and then they clap. They’re clapping at hearing the sound again.”

THE WIZARD OF OZ served as many people’s introduction to scary movies. (Throw in classic Disney films SNOW WHITE and PINOCCHIO, as well, both of which I remember first watching during roughly the same period as when I first watched THE WIZARD OF OZ.)

Not only the Wicked Witch, but also somebody wanting to take your pet away, running away from home, a tornado, them flying monkeys, et cetera, they’re all terrifying, especially to a small child watching it for the first time. (Please consider the film left out the most gruesome details from the L. Frank Baum source material.)

THE WIZARD OF OZ shows us how much fun it can be to be scared.

That’s just one way the film reaches us.

Hamilton herself talked about its seemingly everlasting appeal.

“THE WIZARD OF OZ keeps coming back every year,” she said, “because it’s such a beautiful film. I don’t think any of us knew how lovely it was at first. But, after a while, we all began to feel it coming together and knew we had something. I can watch it again and again and remember wonderful Judy, Bert, Ray, Jack, Billie, Frank and how wonderful they all were. The scene that always gets to me, though, and I think it’s one of the most appealing scenes I’ve ever seen, is the one where the Wizard gives the gifts to them at the end. Frank (Morgan) was just like that as a person. And every time I see him do it, the tears come to my eyes. I listen to the words. I think of Frank, and I know how much he meant what he said, and how much the words themselves mean.”

I devoted much space to Hamilton and the Wicked Witch, but there are at least six more beloved characters and performers: Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland, 1922-69), the Scarecrow (Ray Bolger, 1904-87), the Tin Man (Jack Haley, 1898-1979), the Cowardly Lion (Bert Lahr, 1895-1967), Toto (Terry, 1933-45), and the Wizard (Frank Morgan, 1890-1949). They go a long way toward making THE WIZARD OF OZ a classic that will persevere down the ages.

On this latest go-around, I again noticed how much of an influence WIZARD OF OZ had on George Lucas when he made STAR WARS.

THE WIZARD OF OZ grabs us early on, precisely at the moment when Garland begins singing “Over the Rainbow,” and it just builds and builds for the next 90-odd minutes.

Eighty years after it premiered (Aug. 25, 1939), I now have one more reason to watch it moving forward. Grandma, it felt like you were right there with me.

From Justin to Kelly (2003)

FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY (2003) No stars

Remember that scene in SCREAM 2 when horror movie geek Randy (Jamie Kennedy) blurts out SHOWGIRLS as his favorite scary movie?

In similar fashion, I blurt out FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, one of the worst musicals and worst movies ever made. The thought of watching it again, now that’s scary, and so instead I will trust myself for a review I wrote of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY many years ago. Here’s that review:

FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY set a lame musical number land speed record.

(approximate time)

Opening Number No. 1 — Kelly Clarkson sings “I Won’t Stand in Line.”

Opening Number No. 2 — Kelly sings the Go-Go’s “Vacation.”

6-7:00 — Stupid Beach Number.

10:00 — Lame White Guy Rap No. 1.

15:00 — Another Lame Group Number.

26:00 — Latino Flavored Number.

31:00 — Stabbed Myself in the Leg with an O’Reilly Auto Parts Blue Ink Pen.

34:00 — Stomach-curdling Love Ballad.

39:00 — Lame White Guy Rap No. 2.

43:00 — Charming, Oops, Harrowing Lame Pop Number.

51:00 — No Distinctive Lameness.

1:07:00 — Another Gut-Wrenching Ballad.

1:10:00 — Continuation of Previous Lame Ballad.

1:13.00 — Big Party Number (KC and the Sunshine Band cover).

1:16:00 — Lame White Guy Rap No. 3.

YOUR FEARFUL REPORTER SKIPPED THE END CREDITS.

Now it’s time for the multiple choice portion of this review.

Q: Justin Guarini’s hair most closely resembles this walking hair disaster:

A. Sideshow Bob, “The Simpsons”

B. Jack Nance, ERASERHEAD

C. “Kid” of Kid ’N’ Play

D. Carrot Top, Prop Comic Master

A: Ding! Ding! It is Sideshow Bob!

Q: The sexual activity of Justin and Kelly should be classified:

A. Coitus Interruptus

B. Coitus Postponus

C. Coitus or No Coitus Aggravate Us

A: Coitus or No Coitus Aggravate Us!

Some random declarations:

— FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY singlehandedly knocked Western Civilization back.

— Justin and Kelly have no chemistry.

— Travis Payne’s choreography made Busby Berkeley and Bob Fosse roll over in their graves.

— Justin leads three of the lamest guys in the history of the world. Actually the geeky guy in the glasses is the coolest and more closely resembles a real human being than his two male counterparts.

— Kelly’s entered into a Whipped Cream Bikini Contest. Remember this is a PG-rated spectacular. The MPAA citing: “For thematic elements, sensuality, and brief language.” Hell is said four or five times. Does this sound remotely like Spring Break?

— FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY made yours truly grateful he calls landlocked Kansas home.

— FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY also reminded me why I hate “American Idol” and have only watched two episodes over the years.

A scene missing from FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY: Remember that scene in ANIMAL HOUSE where the Delta House brothers throw their beer cans at the picture of pledge Flounder? Well, in FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, Spring Break revelers throw their beer cans at a picture of Justin Guarini.

Howard the Duck (1986)

HOWARD THE DUCK (1986) One star

KODE-TV in Joplin once aired movies on Saturday nights and I recall watching THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, THE BREAKFAST CLUB, WOLFEN, and HOWARD THE DUCK in my impetuous youth.

Sometimes movies that we liked during our childhood and teenage years do not hold up during later viewings. Unfortunately, I do not remember how I reacted to HOWARD THE DUCK upon first viewing it some 30 years ago.

I do know that I caught up with HOWARD THE DUCK in 2009, though, wrote a negative review centered around the question “What were they thinking?” when Universal Pictures made HOWARD THE DUCK, and listed it as one of the worst movies of the 1980s, right down there with such “classics” as LEONARD PART 6 and THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS.

That’s when I first encountered online defenders of bad movies. They’re vehement, and will leave you digital pleasantries like, for example, “Opinions are like assholes. …” Genius, pure genius, never heard that one before, Internet tough guy. I mean, how dare somebody think both HOWARD THE DUCK and LEONARD PART 6 stink it up. HOWARD THE DUCK and LEONARD PART 6 are both not so bad they’re good, they’re both so bad that they’re really really really bad. Every once in a great while, I dust them off just to remember what a bad movie plays like.

HOWARD THE DUCK is one of the great cinematic follies of all-time.

It wanted dearly to be like GHOSTBUSTERS, a combination of dazzling special effects and wisecracking comedy.

It fails in both departments and it starts with that live action duck, the biggest special effect mistake and comedic failure.

Howard’s a creepy little duck, a rather fowl protagonist despite the fact that director Willard Huyck (Huyck rhyme with duck?) and producer Gloria Katz toned him down and tried making him a nicer duck from his comic book origins.

It does not help the character that the film trots out every duck pun for 111 minutes, a running time a few minutes longer than GHOSTBUSTERS. Every single character must get at least one and I got tired of all the puns by the 5-minute mark.

Eight actors are credited as having some role in playing Howard the Duck: Ed Gale, Chip Zien, Tim Rose, Steve Sleap, Peter Baird, Mary Wells, Lisa Sturz, and Jordan Prentice. Six of the actors and actresses inside the duck suit (at different times) won the Razzie for Worst Performance in a Motion Picture. This is almost as impressive as the fact Harvey Stephens began his career as the Antichrist in THE OMEN. Where does one go from the Antichrist and where does one go from Howard the Duck? These are tough questions, and I have some more.

Do those actors and actresses put Howard the Duck on their resume? Or brag down at the pub “Oh yeah, man, you better not fuck with Howard the Duck” and “I played a talking duck from another planet in the movies. How about you, asshole, what the fuck have you done that’s so great?” Have any of these actors exploited their playing Howard the Duck to pick up women? Stranger lines have been spouted.

Howard’s not a funny duck and he must try a thousand jokes. He’s a lame duck, instead, that wishes he could have been the Groucho Marx or Bill Murray of ducks.

The last 40-45 minutes surrender to chase scenes and special effect showcases with lame duck pun interludes, then we’re treated to a thrilling grand finale of the “Howard the Duck” song, written by Thomas “She Blinded Me with Science” Dolby and George “Atomic Dog” Clinton.

The last 40-45 minutes feel like they run on as long as BEN-HUR and GONE WITH THE WIND combined.

Every time I see Lea Thompson, it brings me back to the strange trajectory of her early screen career: attacked by shark in JAWS 3-D, a creepy love affair with a married police officer who should have arrested himself for sex crimes in THE WILD LIFE, and unknowingly lusting after her own future son in BACK TO THE FUTURE. In HOWARD THE DUCK, the fetching Thompson smooches Howard all while she’s in her skimpies. It’s bad enough that her hairdo attacked the ozone layer, but she has to go the extra mile in HOWARD THE DUCK.

(We believe that Thompson’s hairdo in HOWARD THE DUCK contributed to the Montreal Protocol on Substances that Deplete the Ozone Layer that became effective in August 1989.)

Every time I watch HOWARD THE DUCK, I marvel at the fact that Tim Robbins somehow survived his performance and managed to sustain a career in such high-quality films as BULL DURHAM, JACOB’S LADDER, and THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. His performance in HOWARD THE DUCK ranks among the most annoying supporting performances in history. Believe it or not, this was his fifth credited screen performance … and we have one more believe it or not.

HOWARD THE DUCK is the first feature-length Marvel Comics adaptation. When will Disney take a crack at remaking this remedial GHOSTBUSTERS?

The Rocky Horror Picture Show vs. Rock ‘N’ Roll High School

THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW VS. ROCK ’N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL

I’ve never understood the appeal of THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW and how it became the ultimate cult film.

Lord knows I’ve tried, but it’s still neither good nor bad enough to be any good for me.

First time I watched it was late-night TV during my early teenage years. This same late-night program later showed WOLFEN and those are the only two films I can remember watching from that program. (Upon further reflection, I also recall watching HOWARD THE DUCK and THE BREAKFAST CLUB under such circumstances.) Who would have ever guessed that I liked ROCKY HORROR most on this first viewing.

Second time I saw it was part of Starz’ “Midnight Movies” circa 2005. Starz presented a documentary called MIDNIGHT MOVIES based from the book written by film critics J. Hoberman and Jonathan Rosenbaum, then played the movies featured in the doc. I remember watching THE HARDER THEY COME and ROCKY HORROR.

Third time did not prove to be a charm. Two of my ex-girlfriend’s friends could not believe that she had never seen ROCKY HORROR, so they immediately rushed out to the nearest video store and snagged a copy. My ex-girlfriend and I sat there in stunned disbelief at ROCKY HORROR.

The second and third viewings of ROCKY HORROR turned out to be washes and I liked it less each viewing.

I don’t know, I’ve always expected something more outrageous, something more shocking than GREASE in drag.

In fact, I’ve long equated ROCKY HORROR with GREASE: They’re both downright positively absolutely wholesome in dealing with the source material of transgressive art.

Hip to be square, indeed.

Next to FREAKS, BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, ERASERHEAD, and SHOWGIRLS, for example, ROCKY HORROR especially seems like a lame little song-and-dance picture.

As a social phenomenon, ROCKY HORROR is undeniable.

As a stand-alone film without the cult audience in the living room, it’s not so hot.

Feed me THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1986) instead.

Hell, give me ROCK ’N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, a 1979 production from the Roger Corman factory.

It’s a teenage rebellion picture and as the late, great Joey Ramone (1951-2001) once said, we haven’t had one of those since the Revolution. Think he meant the American Revolution, not the Industrial or the Television or the Rocky Horror.

ROCK ’N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL benefits greatly from a pair of fun fun fun performances at the heart of the picture: P.J. Soles as Ramones loving Riff Randell, who introduces herself as rock ’n’ roller, and Mary Woronov as the fascist Principal Togar, who’s the type to burn rock ’n’ roll albums and crush any individuality. She’s the Principal of Vince Lombardi High, and Riff Randell is her nemesis. Togar hates the Ramones, and I believe she point blank asks them, “Do your parents know you’re Ramones?”

In her quest to quash rock music, Togar introduces a nifty little device that I don’t remember seeing anywhere else: The Rock-O-Meter, which measures, I do believe, the comparative loudness of rock bands. The meter starts with Muzak at the bottom and proceeds through Pat Boone, Debbie Boone, Donny & Marie, Kansas, Peter Frampton, Foreigner, Jethro Tull, Led Zeppelin, Ted Nugent, the Rolling Stones, the Who, and, finally, the Ramones at the very top. Yeah, it’s a long way to the top, if you wanna rock ’n’ roll. When you reach that level, it’s not a good time to be a lab mouse (it’s just as bad as being a drummer in Spinal Tap).

Oh, it would have been a nifty little joke to have ROCKY HORROR between Donny & Marie and Kansas.

There’s also a role in ROCK ’N’ ROLL for cult film director Paul Bartel (1938-2000), who evolves from a rock ’n’ roll hater to a Ramones lover. It’s a great moment in dance and cinema when Bartel’s Mr. McGree shakes a tail feather to the Ramones’ cover of “Do You Wanna Dance?” after band and students have taken over the halls of Lombardi High.

That guy Dick Miller (1928-2019) shows up late, late in the pic as a scull-cracking would-be fascist police officer. Roger Corman once named Miller “the best actor in Hollywood” and he’s a favorite of fans of flicks like A BUCKET OF BLOOD, GREMLINS and GREMLINS 2, and PIRANHA. Arnold even blew him away in THE TERMINATOR.

Clint Howard plays Eaglebauer, a procurer at Vince Lombardi who sets up shop in a Brownsville Station dream.

Over the years, I began to notice the majority of my favorite movies are blessed with a multitude of great supporting characters and great character actors. BOOGIE NIGHTS and THE BIG LEBOWSKI, for example, leap quickly to mind.

Guess it goes to show the overall quality of ROCK ’N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL when I have mentioned five performers — Soles, Woronov, Bartel, Miller, and Howard — and not gone into detail about the Ramones.

Delving into the Ramones’ song catalog became one of the enduring pleasures of my life and their songs from “Beat on the Brat” and “Rockaway Beach” to “Rock ’N’ Roll High School” and “The KKK Took My Baby Away” have earned a place inside my punk rock heart alongside the Clash, the Sex Pistols, the Buzzcocks, et cetera.

It’s the punk rocker (and the antisocial free spirit) inside me that prefers ROCK ’N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL over THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.

THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW (1975) One-and-a-half stars; ROCK ’N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL (1979) Three-and-a-half stars