The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL (1978) No stars
Movies, oops, TV specials based on movies, like “The Star Wars Holiday Special” are when yours truly wishes that he owned a stunt reviewer or had an evil twin movie reviewer, yes, an evil movie reviewer.

I first watched “The Star Wars Holiday Special” during the same week as LEONARD PART 6 and it’s amazing, it’s stupendous that anything competes with LEONARD PART 6 for sheer gut-wrenching awfulness. Sure enough, I saw two of the most awful pieces of celluloid within a short time of each other. I survived and now I am here to put together my story. Let me just say that you are not a true STAR WARS fan until you see “The Holiday Special,” which I rate at the bottom of the barrel. That’s an insult to the bottom and to the barrel.

Where does this review start? Where does it end? Why didn’t they dub in the laugh track?

First and foremost, please look at the cast for “The Star Wars Holiday Special.”

I seriously doubt kiddos in 1978 wanted codgers like Beatrice (her friends just called her “Bea”) Arthur and Art Carney anywhere near Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Chewbacca, and Darth Vader.

One bad idea right after the next flies right past our systems. No, wait, I am practicing the fine art of understatement when I say bad idea.

The first bad idea would be centering the action so to speak on Chewbacca’s family unit. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. That’s absolutely unbelievable.

Granted, I am somebody who desired Chewbacca being a Hollywood leading man and paired with all them blazing beauty starlets like Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, and Jennifer Lopez in all them lovey dovey romances. Sorry, I am behind the times in romantic comedies and their beautiful people.

Anyway, we get Chewbacca’s wife Malla, his son Lumpy, and old man Itchy, who should have been named “Icky.”

Back to the bad ideas.

Malla watches an intergalactic cooking program with a cook based on Julia Child played by Harvey Korman, not Harvey Keitel, in drag.

Diahann Carroll shows up as an intergalactic and holographic sex fantasy of a dirty old wookie and sings a song for all our troubles. She doesn’t solve them, she makes them even worse.

Yes, Bea Arthur owned the intergalactic famous Cantina we saw in STAR WARS and of course, she sings a song.

Dagnammit, everybody, well, almost everybody gets a song.

We see intergalactic famous bounty hunter extraordinaire Boba Fett in cartoon form and we laugh every time he tells our protagonists that he’s a friend of Luke and Han and the droids. Boba Fett sounds like Mr. Rogers. Let’s see, Boba Fett died a crap death in RETURN OF THE JEDI and he made a crap entrance in “The Holiday Special,” but hey, at least, he made for a great action figure.

Jefferson Starship, a holographic facsimile of a rock band in the infant stages of dinosaurism, plays us an old-fashioned love song or perhaps not and they are not yet Starship, who knocked down a city with adult contemporary schlock rock and sang the love theme from MANNEQUIN that stopped Andrew McCarthy’s career.

“The Star Wars Holiday Special … brought to you by the Force or 20th Century Fox.” It premiered November 17, 1978 on CBS to much bewilderment.

George Lucas was not a big fan. Here’s Mr. Lucas from a 2005 interview:

“The special from 1978 really didn’t have much to do with us, you know. I can’t remember what network it was on, but it was a thing that they did. We kind of let them do it. It was done by … I can’t even remember who the group was, but they were variety TV guys. We let them use the characters and stuff and that probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but you learn from those experiences.”

If you’re seeking out “The Star Wars Holiday Special,” you will have to do it on YouTube. That’s how I came across my dubbed copy several years back. Folks, a.k.a. preservationists, found their original videotape recordings from November 17, 1978 and made copies, so what you see today started as second- to sixth-generation VHS dubs. Some copies have the original commercials and news breaks.

Apparently, at one point in time, Lucas said that he wished he could take a sledgehammer and smash every single copy of “The Holiday Special” in existence.

Out there in this cold, mean world, you will see “George Lucas Ruined My Childhood,” “Georce Lucas Wrecked My Childhood,” and even “George Lucas Raped My Childhood.”

Would those people look more favorably upon Lucas if he indeed smashed every copy of “The Holiday Special”?

Dammit, George, you’re not smashing mine, though.

Cane Toads: An Unnatural History (1988)

day 108, cane toads an unnatural history

CANE TOADS: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY (1988) Four stars
January 14, 2019 will go down in history as one of the great movie-watching days of my life.

Let’s see, I consumed a 1984 kung fu comedy with a little bit of everything including drunken boxing and a monster known as “Banana Monster” or “Watermelon Monster” (TAOISM DRUNKARD, a.k.a. DRUNKEN WU TANG); a 1983 made-for-TV documentary called FROM STAR WARS TO JEDI: THE MAKING OF A SAGA that took a behind-the-scenes look at the making of RETURN OF THE JEDI; a 1987 anime that one headline called “classic demon Anime loaded with succubi, gore and tentacles” (WICKED CITY); a 1985 Japanese comedy mixing a love of movies and a love of food (TAMPOPO); one of the better Godzilla movies (GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE); an older Jackie Chan and an older Pierce Brosnan making it work in THE FOREIGNER; a 1988 Krzysztof Kieslowski film called A SHORT FILM ABOUT LOVE that lasts over 80 minutes (guess in the long run 80 minutes constitutes a short time); and I started on Peter Jackson’s debut BAD TASTE before calling it a day.

In between THE FOREIGNER and A SHORT FILM ABOUT LOVE, I watched CANE TOADS: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY, a 47-minute documentary directed by Mark Lewis on a species taking over northern Australia.

I found a poster for the movie and it hits you with such blurbs as “An Absolute Delight!” (New York Times), “An assault of sex-mad giant toads munching their way across Australia!” (Roger Ebert), and “Riotously funny and hilariously twisted!” (Dallas Times Herald). It has CANE TOADS in huge letters across the top of the spread and a photo of a cane toad who’s as big as the girl who’s holding it.

Yes, it’s one of those “nature run amok” films.

We find out early on that in 1935, the cane toad was introduced to Australia as pest control on a beetle pestering their sugar cane.

Let’s just say that plan backfired, and it backfired miserably.

The toads are back in the headlines in Australia.

“Australian senator says government should pay welfare recipients to kill cane toads” reads one.

Senator Pauline Hanson wrote an open latter to Prime Minister Scott Morrison and she’s a beaut.

“Dear Prime Minister

“As Queensland and neighboring states go through our Summer months, a further explosion of cane toads are hatching, adding to the estimated 200 million already here in Australia.

“Since their misguided introduction to deal with cane beetle in the North Queensland town of Gordonvale in 1935, cane toad numbers have exploded beyond the borders of Queensland and are having enormous effect on native Australian species.

“Unlike native frogs that lay between 1,000 and 2,000 eggs during their breeding cycle, toads will lay between 8,000 and 35,000.

“Their poisonous toxin is deadly to many native species including lizards, quolls, dingoes and crocodiles. Adult cane toads will eat almost anything it can fit in its mouth, including dead animals and pet food scraps. Their appetite and prolific breeding cycle knows no boundaries.”

Parents think teenagers are bad.

Hanson called for swift, bipartisan action.

“I would also encourage you to introduce a 3 month bounty over the Summer months to help reduce the breeding numbers throughout Queensland, New South Wales, the Northern Territory and Western Australia.

“A 10 cent reward for the collection of each cane toad, I believe would encourage most Australians living with the pest to take an active roll (role) in reducing their numbers until a biological measure is developed.”

In the movie, Lewis reportedly wanted to create sympathy for the hated animal.

One resident said, “There are still quite a large number of the toads around, but not as big as they use to be. But I still let the animal and they give me a lot of enjoyment.”

We get a toad’s eye view of the world in a multitude of shots.

Our title creatures participate in a PSYCHO spoof.

They even get songs like “Cane Toad Blues” (Tim Finn) and “Warts ‘N All” (Don Spencer, Allan Caswell).

Around the five- or six-minute mark, Dr. Glen Ingram, then the Senior Curator Amphibia and Birds at Queensland Museum, explains the process of “Amplexus.”

These toads sure do love them a whole lotta “Amplexus.” They are responsible for the phrase “horny toad.”

For example, around 150 were introduced to Oahu in 1932 and in just 17 months, the toads numbered over 100,000.

One article described cane toads as “Fat, toxic and nocturnal.” For some reason, that description called to mind Dean Wormer telling Flounder, “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”

Watching CANE TOADS: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY also brought to mind the 1972 American International exploitation picture FROGS.

One of the legends involving that low-budget picture was that many of the film’s 500 Florida frogs and 100 giant South American toads escaped during production.

Maybe they ran into the cane toads or movie star Ray Milland, who left FROGS three days early because he was such an unhappy camper.

Guess you could say that it’s more a laughing matter for somebody who doesn’t have to deal with cane toads in any way shape or form, because “They pose a bigger menace than the German Army in World War II” (quote from another movie poster).

1941 (1979)

day 68, 1941

1941 (1979) Three-and-a-half stars
I have a general rule: Any movie featuring Slim Pickens, Christopher Lee, and Toshiro Mifune in the same scene will automatically be given a positive review, so Steven Spielberg’s 1941 has that going for it right off the bat.

I am sure you remember Pickens, Lee, and Mifune.

Pickens (1919-83) played many, many supporting roles in Westerns, but he also had a great role in Stanley Kubrick’s DR. STRANGELOVE as Major T.J. “King” Kong that incorporated his cowboy flair.

Lee (1922-2015) played Count Dracula seven times, I do believe, in Hammer productions like TASTE THE BLOOD OF COUNT DRACULA and later appeared in one James Bond, five Tim Burton, two STAR WARS, and three LORD OF THE RINGS films. There’s a story that Lee was once pulled over by a Hollywood traffic cop, who asked Lee if he should be driving in daylight.

Mifune (1920-97) appeared in over 150 movies during his career and none are more famous than his 16 collaborations with director Akira Kurosawa (ordered from last to first): RED BEARD, HIGH AND LOW, SANJURO, YOJIMBO, THE BAD SLEEP WELL, THE HIDDEN FORTRESS, THE LOWER DEPTHS, THRONE OF BLOOD, I LIVE IN FEAR, SEVEN SAMURAI, THE IDIOT, RASHOMON, SCANDAL, STRAY DOG, THE QUIET DUEL, and DRUNKEN ANGEL.

All three actors are each speaking different languages.

Awesome.

Pickens, Lee, and Mifune appear together early on in 1941 and we get the first shark victim in JAWS (actress and stuntwoman Susan Backlinie) as bonus opening scene treat.

1941 is the bastard child on Spielberg’s filmography, seemingly the film that even he doesn’t like all that much.

Just how much of a bastard child?

John Wayne and Charlton Heston were both offered the role of General Stilwell and turned it down because they believed 1941 to be unpatriotic.

I believe Wayne even told Spielberg that he should be ashamed … and called the script the most anti-American piece of drivel he ever read.

Robert Stack took on Stilwell and looking at photos of the real Joseph Stilwell, the actor looks just like the real person.

1941 came between CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977) and RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK in Spielberg’s filmography, so of course the $94 million worldwide gross of 1941 would be considered a huge bust compared to $300 million for CLOSE ENCOUNTERS and $390 million for RAIDERS.

It’s an oversized, loud comedy that mostly fails on that intended level, but succeeds in other ways. That’s very strange and yes, 1941 is very strange indeed.

Spielberg himself said, “Some people think (1941) was an out-of-control production, but it wasn’t. What happened on the screen was pretty out of control, but the production was pretty much in control. I don’t dislike the movie at all. I’m not embarrassed by it. I just think that it wasn’t funny enough.”

Spielberg has said that Robert Zemeckis, who co-wrote the picture with Bob Gale, should have directed the picture.

Though I don’t laugh at the vast majority of 1941, I am never bored and I end up smiling through a lot of the picture.

I’ve already mentioned Pickens, Lee, Mifune, and Stack, and that just scratches the surface of the star power on board.

We also have Dan Aykroyd, Ned Beatty, John Belushi, Lorraine Gary, Murray Hamilton, Tim Matheson, Warren Oates, and Nancy Allen, and several more familiar faces in Treat Williams, Bobby DiCicco, Eddie Deezen, Wendie Jo Sperber, Perry Lang, Penny Marshall, Michael McKean, Joe Flaherty, Mickey Rourke, and John Candy.

In addition to Pickens, we have a couple more of the great old-time character actors in Dub Taylor and Elisha Cook Jr.

Williams, DiCicco, Dianne Kay, and especially Sperber are particularly delightful and basically steal the movie away from the bigger names. They are fun, fun, fun, that’s for sure, and their work peaks at the USO club sequence, by far the best part of the movie that incorporates a dance contest and a brawl. This sequence found inspiration from both a film and real life: Universal Pictures’ HELLZAPOPPIN’ (1941) and the Zoot Suit Riots of 1943. I rate this sequence with any Spielberg’s ever done throughout his nearly five-decade career; Spielberg thought about making 1941 an old-fashioned musical, but he said he didn’t have the guts to go through with it at the time.

There’s just a lot of enjoyable moments during 1941, plain and simple.

For example, Stilwell watched DUMBO twice in real life during the month of December 1941 when he was a commander in the Los Angeles area. Stilwell, I believe, even cries watching DUMBO in 1941. Sure difficult being a cinephile.

Stripes (1981)

day 66, stripes

STRIPES (1981) Three-and-a-half stars
Bill Murray was the Groucho Marx of the 1980s, especially during films like STRIPES and GHOSTBUSTERS.

STRIPES is Murray’s DUCK SOUP.

It’s not only all the one-liners and the institutional putdowns throughout both films, but a couple later scenes.

In DUCK SOUP, Groucho’s Rufus T. Firefly starts opening up machine gun fire and it only brings him immense pleasure.

Firefly boasts “Remind me to give myself the Firefly medal for this!”

Then his loyal assistant informs Firefly that he’s firing upon his own men.

Of course, Firefly offers his assistant $5 to keep it under his hat, but then Firefly withdraws the offer and keeps the five spot under his own hat.

Firefly’s joy during that sequence and the whole film, for that matter, come back when Murray’s John Winger takes on them darn Commies in STRIPES.

Murray, like Groucho, treated all this like one great big put-on.

That’s the comic attitude that informs STRIPES and like Groucho, Murray never played the fool. He’s the intelligent one, the hustler who knows the score, and sure Murray’s foil Sgt. Hulka (Warren Oates) socks it to Winger during basic training, but eventually the pair reluctantly find common ground and reach an understanding.

Winger first wanted to join the U.S. Army based on a lark, not some great conviction to serve his country.

For example, Winger thought he could pick up more women in the military.

Winger: “Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it’s usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. I mean, it’s not just the uniform. It’s the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.”

Winger and his best friend Russell Ziskey (Harold Ramis) see the EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle as an opportunity to go pick up their Military Police girlfriends (P.J. Soles, Sean Young) in West Germany and enjoy a holiday in Switzerland. Of course, this leads to their comrades seeking them out and being captured by the Soviet Army. Winger and the gang rescue their friends with that heavily-armed recreational vehicle on their side.

Winger keeps that lark attitude throughout STRIPES, even after his friends fall into Soviet hands.

Winger: “C’mon, it’s Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick ’em up, we zip right out again. We’re not going to Moscow. It’s Czechoslovakia. It’s like going into Wisconsin.”

Everything’s a lark to Winger (and Murray).

Murray and Ramis make a very good comedic duo. You might be surprised to find out STRIPES (directed by Ivan Reitman) had been originally intended to be a Cheech and Chong vehicle, but that pair wanted the dreaded “complete creative control.” Both Ramis himself (who scripted ANIMAL HOUSE and directed CADDYSHACK) and Columbia Pictures were reluctant to have Ramis onscreen, but Murray insisted that he would only be paired with Ramis.

Ramis is vital to the success of STRIPES. He’s the ordinary guy counterbalance to Winger, but also the loyal best friend who ends up along for the ride despite knowing that his best friend’s crazy. Ramis brings an interesting tension to the movie that might not have been there, for example, had Dennis Quaid played Russell, such as the scene when Russell starts choking Winger. Quaid seems far more the stereotypical All-American hero type. Also, Ramis and Murray shared dynamite chemistry.

Veteran character actor Warren Oates is also vital to STRIPES. Like Russell, Sgt. Hulka makes a great counterbalance to Winger. There’s just one dramatic scene in STRIPES, when Hulka confronts Winger in the latrine. Hulka dares Winger to take a swing at him. Winger obliges, and Hulka wipes the floor with Winger. Even more so than Winger, Hulka knows the score. Hulka had originally been scheduled for death in the mortar accident and to be replaced by his twin brother also played by Oates, but the creative powers-that-be thankfully scrapped that concept.

On vacation in 2017, riding over the George Rogers Clark Memorial Bridge headed into Louisville, I thought it seemed very familiar and sure enough, it’s the bridge where Winger melodramatically quits taxi driving by flinging his keys into the Ohio River. Fortunately, we did not reenact the scene that day; it definitely would have been fun making it back home.

Would it be safe to say STRIPES is the greatest movie ever shot in Louisville?

Not so fast, my friend, as former Louisville head coach Lee Corso would say.

GOLDFINGER, RAIN MAN, A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, and THE INSIDER, for example, might have something to say about that.