Any Which Way You Can (1980)

ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN

ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN (1980) Three stars
If I believed in feeling any guilt whatsoever about feeling pleasure, I might call ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN a guilty pleasure.

It’s another one of those sublimely ridiculous movie packages that I can’t help but not to like. I mean, it could play on a double bill with ROAD HOUSE.

We all have “guilty pleasures,” and they form one of the most rewarding experiences that we can have at the movies.

If you describe ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN as a movie with a little bit of everything, that’s still selling it short. I mean, it’s not every day that you have Clint Eastwood in a comedic role, an orangutan named Clyde (played by Buddha and C.J., although there’s no screen credit) who steals every scene that he’s in, a concluding fight scene that can go head-to-head with the later ROCKY sequels and THEY LIVE, a buffoonish motorcycle gang, Ruth Gordon (1896-1985) in what can only be called the “Ruth Gordon” role, and a country song played seemingly every few seconds.

This is the only motion picture that starts with an Eastwood and Ray Charles duet on a little ditty over the opening credits named “Beers for You.”

Personally, I feel the movie could have used more Clyde scenes — more “Right Turn Clyde,” more flipping the bird, more smashing cars, et cetera — and fewer scenes between Eastwood and his real-life partner at the time Sondra Locke. Locke generally became the weak link in Eastwood’s films of the period, and both EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE and ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN dramatically prove that as Eastwood demonstrates better chemistry with the orangutan than Locke.

Back to Clyde and Buddha and C.J. Buddha and C.J. assumed the Clyde role for the sequel since Manis — who alone played the role in EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE — apparently had grown too much between films. Manis returned to his act in Las Vegas.

Reports have it Buddha alone played the role in ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN and C.J. came on in publicity because Buddha was caught stealing doughnuts on the set near the end of filming and he was brought back to his training facility and beaten for 20 minutes, according to the book “Visions of Caliban: On Chimpanzees and People” by Jane Goodall and Dale Peterson.

Buddha then died soon after of a cerebral hemorrhage.

C.J. went on to star in Bo Derek’s TARZAN THE APE MAN and a NBC sitcom named MR. SMITH.

Executive producer Ed Weinberger said of C.J. in the Washington Post, “It’s a Buddha-like presence. He has wisdom about him. You have to know the animal; I’m in love with him. I’d have him in my house any time.”

MR. SMITH lasted all of 13 episodes from Sept. 22 through Dec. 16 in 1983 and finished a dismal 95th in the Nielsens.

So much for a talking orangutan and who knows if Weinberger had C.J. over at his house after the show flopped big time.

I remember loving ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN as a young child. It was an affinity for Clyde. He’s what I remembered about the movie for many years before I revisited it decades later.

Not every movie I loved in childhood holds up revisited in adulthood. For example, CANNONBALL RUN, an entertainment I found to be an endurance contest several years back. (For the record, I recently watched SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT, another childhood favorite, again and it held up. I enjoyed Burt Reynolds, Sally Field, Jerry Reed, and Jackie Gleason.)

ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN is not quite at the same high level as COMMANDO, LONE WOLF McQUADE, and ROAD HOUSE.

That’s because it’s a little flabby with a running time of 1 hour, 56 minutes. Granted, that concluding fight scene between Eastwood and William Smith eats up a good 10 percent of a nearly two-hour experience.

LONE WOLF McQUADE and ROAD HOUSE do have similar run times, but fewer bad scenes than ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN.

The great director Howard Hawks (1896-1977), born the same year as Ruth Gordon, said that a good movie is “three great scenes and no bad ones.” Not sure that he had movies like ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN in mind, which does have three great scenes but also some bad ones.

ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN, though, is one of those sequels better than the original.

Alligator (1980)

ALLIGATOR

ALLIGATOR (1980) Three stars
At the three-quarters mark of the 20th Century, beginning June 20, 1975, the JAWS phenomenon changed the game forever.

Since then, we’ve seen a deluge of killer shark pictures and Nature Attacks flicks, not to mention summer blockbuster after summer blockbuster.

Two of the best films in the JAWS mold are Joe Dante’s PIRANHA (Steven Spielberg himself endorsed PIRANHA) and Lewis Teague’s ALLIGATOR, both written by John Sayles.

Sayles’ surprisingly witty script for ALLIGATOR starts with the urban legend about what happens if you flush a pet alligator down the toilet. Of course, Ramon — our alligator — grows to gigantic proportions by feeing off discarded animal corpses spiked with growth hormones. Awesome sewer chow, no doubt, for a growing boy alligator.

We’ll go through a couple more examples of the film’s wit.

Ramon’s first victim, why he’s named Edward Norton. We all remember Ed Norton from “The Honeymooners” and his occupation. “Ol Ed Norton, reliable ol’ Ed Norton, working 17 years in the sewer. And now everything’s down the drain.” I believe Mr. Norton talked about them damn alligators in the sewer.

Late in the movie, graffiti on the sewer wall states “Harry Lime Lives.” Fans of the late show might remember Harry Lime’s fate in THE THIRD MAN. I wonder if Orson Welles ever caught this cinematic tribute before his 1985 death.

ALLIGATOR has a great cast, very distinguished for a B-movie indeed, and Ramon munches on some big names. This is all part of the fun, watching these actors chew the scenery before they’re chewed up by a giant alligator.

Dean Jagger (1903-91) won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his performance in TWELVE O’CLOCK HIGH (1949). ALLIGATOR marked Jagger’s last feature film; Jagger died in both his last two features, this one and GAME OF DEATH. What a way to go out!

Jack Carter (1922-2015) plays the weasel mayor who finds his reelection campaign deadly. Carter made his name being a comedian’s comedian, but he’s no laughing matter in ALLIGATOR. The Mayor certainly received no support from Ramon, though.

Sydney Lassick (1922-2003) proved to be one of those memorable character actors. You might remember him best from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST; he played Cheswick, who tells Nurse Ratched, “Rules?! Piss on your fucking rules, Miss Ratched! I want you to know something right here and now, Miss Ratched! I’m no little kid! I ain’t no little kid!” We all can relate.

Henry Silva (who turned 90 in 2018) plays arrogant big game hunter Brock and we all know what happens to arrogant big game hunters in pictures like ALLIGATOR. Silva accumulated 138 acting credits from 1950 through 2001, and he could tell us about Frank Sinatra, Burt Reynolds, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, and Forrest Whitaker, not to mention Alfred Hitchcock, John Frankenheimer, and Jim Jarmusch.

Baby face Perry Lang — in his early 20s at the time — made 1941, ALLIGATOR, and THE BIG RED ONE within a year’s period.

Robert Forster and Robin Riker play our main protagonists, he a frazzled police detective with a troubled past and she a perky herpetologist who once was the proud owner of poor Ramon. Forster’s a legitimate good actor and that serves ALLIGATOR well.

Michael V. Gazzo (1923-95), another veteran character actor, plays the crusty but lovable police chief and you might remember Gazzo from THE GODFATHER PART II as Frankie Pentangeli. Gazzo received a nomination for Best Supporting Actor for his work in THE GODFATHER PART II.

I just wish they could have found a role for Keenan Wynn (1916-86), whose characters met their demise in both ORCA THE KILLER WHALE and PIRANHA.

ALLIGATOR proves to be a lot of fun.

Swamp Thing (1982)

SWAMP THING

SWAMP THING (1982) Three stars
This is the “green” movie I should have watched on St. Patrick’s Day.

Either that or perhaps any of the Incredible Hulk movies or the first SHREK.

Anything, just about anything, would have been preferred over LEPRECHAUN.

SWAMP THING rates as one of those indelible films that leave me with a goofy smile on my face and a warm glow in my heart, probably green colored in this particular case.

It’s been duly noted that filmmaker Wes Craven (1939-2015) earned an undergraduate degree in English and psychology from Wheaton College and a master’s in philosophy and writing from Johns Hopkins. He worked as English teacher before a four-decade film career predominantly associated with exploitation and horror.

Believe it or not, many of his films are informed by his educational, literary background.

Craven’s feature debut THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972) updated Ingmar Bergman’s THE VIRGIN SPRING (1960) for modern times in America; THE VIRGIN SPRING itself told a tale based on a 13th Century Swedish folk ballad incorporating rape, murder, and revenge.

Craven’s third film THE HILLS HAVE EYES (1977) took inspiration from 16th Century Scotland with Sawney Bean and His Cannibal Clan (45 members), responsible for the mass murder and cannibalization of over 1,000 people.

Even Craven’s arguably most famous film, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984), started after Craven read stories in the Los Angeles Times about how Southeast Asian refugees — who fled to the United States after the atrocities in Laos, Cambodia, and Vietnam — began experiencing terrifying nightmares and refused to sleep. Some of these men, ranging from age 19 to 57, even died in their sleep.

Based on a comic book, SWAMP THING, Craven’s fifth feature, was his first attempt to break away from the horror genre that would both be his blessing and his curse.

I suspect that one’s enjoyment of SWAMP THING depends on an individual’s level of sympathy for mad scientists, a megalomaniac and his nasty henchmen, a damsel-in-distress, secret formulas, mutations, comic book action, and Harry (FRIDAY THE 13TH) Manfredini’s relentless music that sounds echoes of his most famous work.

Busty actress Adrienne Barbeau proved to be at the peak of her film career at the time of SWAMP THING — it was the fifth picture in a six-picture run beginning with THE FOG (1980) and continuing with ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, THE CANNONBALL RUN, THE THING (“Computer Voice”), and SWAMP THING before concluding later in 1982 with CREEPSHOW. She’s at her very best in SWAMP THING, and her very worst in CREEPSHOW.

Barbeau was married to filmmaker John Carpenter from 1979 to 1984, and half of those films listed in the above paragraph came from Carpenter in a flurry of films after HALLOWEEN.

Barbeau’s most famous talents are on display in the “international version” and the original DVD copies in America before viewers complained and had that “smut” recalled. Seriously, who would complain about Barbeau’s boobies, them magnificent mammaries? American DVD and Blu-ray issues since 2005 feature the American theatrical ‘PG’ version, and it would make America great again if we could have the “international version” of SWAMP THING.

Barbeau herself understands what makes SWAMP THING better than one more run-of-the-mill “creature feature.”

“When I read it, I fell in love with the screenplay,” Barbeau said of SWAMP THING. “It was whimsical, and charming, and lovely. I didn’t see it as a horror film. I guess I don’t see it as a horror film to this day, actually. It’s Beauty and the Beast — it’s more of a fantasy or a fairy tale, maybe, in my mind.”

I’ve long had admiration for Boris Karloff as Frankenstein’s Monster and Peter Weller as RoboCop. We can add stunt man and actor Dick Durock (1937-2009) as Swamp Thing to that list.

Like both Karloff and Weller, Durock creates great sympathy for Swamp Thing.

That human element — pieced together with Swamp Thing’s relationship with Alice Cable (Barbeau) — lifts SWAMP THING out of the swamp, if you will.

Just as when the Monster speaks in BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN, there’s poignancy when Swamp Thing says a line like “Much beauty in the swamp, if you only look.”

Swamp Thing and Cable have a better relationship than what the Monster and His Bride had in BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN. Cable gets far more screen time than the poor Bride, as well.

SWAMP THING has some of the same wit and same spirit as BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN.

I always say, “There’s much beauty in B-movies, if you only look.”

My Bloody Valentine (1981)

MY BLOODY VALENTINE

MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981) Three stars
Several elements lift MY BLOODY VALENTINE — a 1981 Canadian production that became renowned for nine minutes of excised footage so it could receive a “R” from the Motion Picture Association of America — above the average mad slasher film.

1) Valentine Bluffs (“The Little Town with the Big Heart,” elevation 200, population 3735) feels like a real place, definitely more than Springwood, Ohio in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and any of the locations in the FRIDAY THE 13TH movies.

You can almost feel the characters’ excitement as they plan a Valentine’s Day dance for the first time in two decades, you can almost taste the Moosehead beer, you can almost sense their dread they’re stuck in this small town, and you can almost articulate word-for-word both their frustration and thankfulness for that damn mine where everybody, just about everybody, in town works for all their lives.

MY BLOODY VALENTINE just might be the only horror movie that evokes THE DEER HUNTER, through its mine, its miners, its cars, its bar, its beer drinking, its tough talking, and its romantic triangle.

In an interview with Terror Trap, director George Mihalka touched on the environment in MY BLOODY VALENTINE, at one point mentioning how the film’s screenwriter pictured it as “THE DEER HUNTER of horror films.”

“One of the things that both (screenwriter) John Beaird and I wanted to do was that we wanted to take it out of the suburban bungalow context,” Mihalka said. “We wanted to set this in some place where there is a slight hint of social consciousness. This was really the first film in that era where teenagers are actually talking about the fact that there’s no future left.

“There’s no jobs, there’s no future. Not a lot of hope. It was, in a strange way, the first of a Generation X mentality. I think that’s what may still resonate after all these years.”

Valentine Bluffs rates with Kingston Falls (GREMLINS) at the top of my list for horror towns.

MY BLOODY VALENTINE used Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia, for its location.

Their plants Sydney Steel (DISCO) and the Sydney Mines Steel (SCOTIA) helped produce 50 percent of Canada’s steel during World War I.

MY BLOODY VALENTINE filmed its mine scenes at Princess Colliery Mines, an operation from 1875 to 1975 that produced 30 million tons of coal.

Princess Colliery even had a famous disaster on December 6, 1938.

From the opening paragraph of Canadian Press staff writer Arthur Andrew, “A committee of miners and officials planned today to descend Princess Colliery and trace the death-dealing trail of a runaway ‘man-rake’ that killed 16 men yesterday. Their visit is the first step in an investigation seeking the reason the string of cars broke loose, spreading death and injury. … The evidence they gather, added to the testimony of the more than 200 men who survived the disaster, will be placed before an investigating commissioner. Hon. Michael Dwyer, minister of mines, will attend the probe into the worst accident in the last 21 years of coal mining in Cape Breton.”

2) MY BLOODY VALENTINE mines (pun intended) its holiday for all its worth.

Not only do we have Valentine Bluffs, we have a Valentine’s dance, we have red and white streamers all over the place, its killer has a future writing Hallmark cards … for psychos like this epic “ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE, ONE IS DEAD, AND SO ARE YOU!” (the killer underlines you three times for dramatic effect), and it makes brilliant use of a box of chocolates, only rather than candy hearts, well, think we should leave that a surprise for those who have never seen MY BLOODY VALENTINE. I’ve already said too much.

Paramount Pictures released MY BLOODY VALENTINE on February 11, 1981, and its profit proved to be considerably less than what FRIDAY THE 13TH produced for Paramount in 1980.

3) “The Miner” is one of the most iconographic killers, I mean, come on just take a gander at him on Google Images. Hell, better yet, go watch MY BLOODY VALENTINE.

He’s combination miner, Jason Voorhees, and Darth Vader.

4) These characters are years removed from HALLOWEEN, FRIDAY THE 13TH, and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET: They’re adults.

Of course, that fact does not absolve them from doing any of the numbskull things horror movie characters often do at the most inopportune times for numbskull behavior.

5) A 25-year-old John McDermott sang “The Ballad of Harry Warden” over the closing credits and I remember being floored by this song upon first viewing MY BLOODY VALENTINE. I just could not believe it. Wow, it’s just about every bit as great as Bob Dylan’s “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door” and it’s the closing song for a mad slasher movie.

A sampling of Paul Zaza’s lyrics: “Once upon a time, on a sad Valentine / In a place known as Henniger Mine / A legend began, every woman and man / Would always remember the time / And those who remain were never the same / You could see the fear in their eyes / Once every year, as the 14th draws near / There’s a hush all over the town / For the legend they say, on a Valentine’s Day / Is a curse that’ll live on and on / And no one will know, as the years come and go, of the horror from long time ago.”

Victory (1981)

VICTORY

VICTORY (1981) Three stars
It’s hard to believe that any movie directed by the late John Huston (1906-87) and starring Michael Caine and Sylvester Stallone could possibly be a “buried treasure,” but that’s definitely the case for 1981’s VICTORY in North America or ESCAPE TO VICTORY in international markets.

Huston, born in Nevada, Missouri, to actor Walter and sports editor Rhea (who gave up her career after her son was born), debuted with THE MALTESE FALCON in 1941 and his distinguished directorial career included THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE, THE ASPHALT JUNGLE, THE RED BADGE OF COURAGE, THE AFRICAN QUEEN, BEAT THE DEVIL, THE MISFITS, FAT CITY, THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING, WISE BLOOD, ANNIE, UNDER THE VOLCANO, PRIZZI’S HONOR, and his final movie, THE DEAD, in 1987.

Huston directed four more films after VICTORY.

Huston previously directed Caine in THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING (1975) and Caine’s an actor who has persevered through many a bad movie during his nearly seven-decade career, including such epic disasters as THE SWARM, BEYOND THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, BLAME IT ON RIO, and JAWS: THE REVENGE. (Caine did not accept his Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for HANNAH AND HER SISTERS in person because he was making JAWS: THE REVENGE, a role for which he famously stated, “I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.” Honestly, Caine gave a better performance in the 1984 Madness song “Michael Caine.”)

Stallone has mostly struggled outside the ROCKY and RAMBO franchises.

If you’ve seen THE GREAT ESCAPE, THE LONGEST YARD, and ROCKY, for example, then you’ve basically seen VICTORY, a movie built along similar lines except for it substitutes fútbol for football (THE LONGEST YARD) and boxing (ROCKY). It leads up to both a big game and the great escape from Nazis in the grand finale, and it features several training sequences as this ragtag group of war prisoners takes on the German national team in a propaganda soccer match.

Although VICTORY is a very predictable movie, it’s a rousing crowd pleaser just like THE GREAT ESCAPE, THE LONGEST YARD, and ROCKY before it.

You do feel good watching it.

Normally, action movies with an international cast (like VICTORY) bite the big one. Not here and it’s not your average international action spectacular cast.

Here, we have soccer players Pele from Brazil, Bobby Moore, Russell Osman, and Mike Summerbee from England, Osvaldo Ardiles from Argentina, Paul Van Himst from Belgium, Kazimierz Deyna from Poland, Co Prins from Holland, John Wark from Scotland, Soren Linsted from Denmark, Halivar Thoresen from Norway, and Kevin O’Callaghan from Ireland.

That’s just the Allied team.

Caine and Stallone play soccer in the movie, although we can be thankful Caine used a double, professional football player Kevin Beattie. Paul Cooper’s credited for being Stallone’s double, although Stallone insisted on his own work during the big match.

Stallone initially blew off training from England’s World Cup winning goalkeeper Gordon Banks. In a 2015 interview, Pele talked about Stallone and the movie.

“When I got the first script I was a goalkeeper and Stallone was a forward,” Pele said. “I said, ‘Listen, I can’t play as a goalkeeper.’ When we started training for the film, we saw Stallone knew nothing about football. We teased him because he didn’t even know how to kick a ball. Michael Caine was my teacher. He’d call me over and say, ‘Pele, you must be more patient — this is a film, not reality.’ He was fantastic.”

Stallone dislocated a shoulder and broke his ribs a couple times during filming.

Ardiles said of the 47-year-old Caine and his physical and soccer abilities, “Awful, and he couldn’t even run 20 yards.”

Acting wise, though, Caine blows Stallone right off the screen in VICTORY and gets us more from the beginning to the end of the picture than his American counterpart.

Stallone’s not very good in VICTORY.

Apparently, Stallone antagonized cast and crew by eating by himself and flying off to either London or Paris every weekend on his private jet.

Also, Stallone reportedly insisted that he end the film on the note of a game-winning goal. “A game-winning goal from a goalkeeper?” Ridiculous.

That’s why the match ends on a penalty kick where, you guessed it, Stallone makes the save that saves the day.

In “Booked! The Gospel According to our Football Heroes” by John Smith and Dan Treifer, Wark talked about the film with much praise for Caine and the opposite for Stallone.

“Stallone was nowhere near as sociable. He and his entourage, which comprised several minders, were even booked into a different hotel.”

Wark touched on Stallone and a prisoner shower scene in the movie, “We spotted that Stallone preferred to wear a pair of mini briefs and all these years later I still can’t help wondering what ‘Rocky’ wanted to keep hidden from us.”

In the same book, it’s said by Pele that Stallone refused to allow anybody else to sit in his chair on the set and by Ardiles that it took Stallone at least 17 takes before he could make the save on the penalty kick.

You can bet the film’s writers took it all hard.

Yabo Yablonsky, one of two screenwriters and one of three credited for the story, apparently hated the revisions so much that he contemplated taking his own life upon seeing the finished project.

Stallone later made OVER THE TOP, that 1987 epic combining arm wrestling, child custody, and truck driving.

That brings us to a story involving Stallone and professional footballer Beattie.

Beattie told the East Anglian Daily Times in 2008, “We had finished for the day and I was at the bar with Russell Osman and John Wark and we were winding each other up. Somehow we started chatting about arm wrestling and there was a lot of laughing and joking.

“I was just sitting there and Stallone came over and asked if I’d like to give him an arm wrestle. I said, ‘By all means, no problem.’

“He had muscles on his muscles but I don’t remember him being that tall. I just thought I’d give it a go — I’d always been quite strong. Anyway, I ended up beating him and I don’t think he talked to me again for the rest of the film!

“Stallone got a bit of a shock but it’s a good claim to fame. I guess I was naturally strong. I used to carry the bags of coal for my dad and when I was at the gym at Portman Road, I was one of the only ones who could lift all the weights.”

I’d prefer footage of Beattie and Stallone arm wrestling in a bar over all of OVER THE TOP.

That’s because I take my arm wrestling without child custody and truck driving.

Way of the Dragon (1972)

day 51, way of the dragon

WAY OF THE DRAGON (1972) Three stars
Foreign movies have always faced challenges in America. Always have, most likely always will.

I can remember selecting PAN’S LABYRINTH at the video store and the concerned clerk attempted warning me that it had subtitles.

I was at first amused and then quickly frustrated by this warning, and mumbled back “OK” in a way that communicates far more than just two letters.

Next time I hear something like that, I’ll pipe back, “I can read” and “Well, I hope so, I’m not that fluent in … ”

Some people just have an irrational fear of subtitles, apparently they are the chopsticks of cinema. Come on, suck it up buttercup and don’t be a candy ass, reading won’t kill you.

Another memorable foreign movie experience was CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON at the Pittsburg 8 Cinema, where two airheads kept snickering throughout the picture and they accounted for more laughter than I heard that year during so-called comedies THE LADIES MAN and NEXT FRIDAY. I laughed most that year at DRACULA 2000, followed by THE SKULLS and ROMEO MUST DIE, although I have been informed that I should not have been laughing.

The challenges faced by foreign movies always come to mind every time I watch Bruce Lee’s WAY OF THE DRAGON, titled RETURN OF THE DRAGON in America because it was released after ENTER OF THE DRAGON. Lee’s movies, by the way, often had title issues.

I always hate it when characters are supposed to be speaking different languages (in WAY OF THE DRAGON, I am betting on Chinese, Italian, and English) and there’s obviously a translator in a scene. Instead, they’re all dubbed awkwardly into English and the translator merely repeats what’s already been said just moments ago. Scenes are (needlessly) rendered redundant.

This situation happened years ago during a version of Jean-Luc Godard’s CONTEMPT that played on Turner Classic Movies, where I was only left with contempt for the English dub. Apparently, only the French received a multilingual (French, English, Italian, and German) release while the American and Italian releases were dubbed entirely into their respective languages. Still a great movie, but the French version would have been superior because I’d rather have multiple languages all subtitled rather than everybody reduced to one dubbed language.

Thankfully, for WAY OF THE DRAGON, it’s a martial arts picture and Bruce Lee’s dynamism cannot be lost in translation.

Howard Hawks once called a good movie “three good scenes and no bad scenes,” and the director of SCARFACE, BRINGING UP BABY, and THE BIG SLEEP would know.

WAY OF THE DRAGON has the three good scenes down pat. Unfortunately, it’s got a few bad scenes, largely because of the dodgy dubbing, but we’ll cover two great scenes in this space.

WAY OF THE DRAGON features arguably the best cinematic display of Lee’s nunchakus, as he takes on a whole gang of buffoonish henchmen.

Lee was introduced to the weapon by Dan Inosanto, who battled against Lee with nunchakus in one of the best scenes in GAME OF DEATH.

Legend has it Lee played ping pong and lit cigarettes with nunchakus. Apparently, the part about ping pong, that’s false. The video was just a promotional spot with digital trickery and a Lee look-alike highlighting the shenanigans, a promo by the way for the Nokia N96 Limited Edition Bruce Lee cell phone that was produced in 2008. Doesn’t sound any more nefarious than any of the other Lee exploitation after his 1973 death.

The crime boss in WAY OF THE DRAGON hires American karate champion Colt and the legendary Chuck Norris makes his motion picture debut.

Lee’s Tang Lung and Colt have one of the great movie fights at the Colosseum and it’s quite possibly the best fight the Colosseum’s seen for at least a few hundred years, a 10-minute spectacle that never gets old to watch.

Indelible images like Norris’ chest hair (enough for a bear skin rug), that damn cute little cat (it gets more close-ups than Norma Desmond and Daffy Duck combined), and Lee’s touching gesture of final respect toward his worthy opponent after an epic battle make it more than just another fight.

Norris makes for a great villain, but it’s unfortunately a vein that he never tapped again, preferring to play square heroes.

Norris fans and fact hunters might deny the existence of WAY OF THE DRAGON. I found some alternative “facts” on the Internets.

Q: Why are there more Chuck Norris Jokes than Bruce Lee?

A: Because Bruce Lee is no joke.

FACT: Monsters look under the bed for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris checks his closet and looks under the bed in fear of Bruce Lee.

FACT (using John Goodman’s piece-pulling Walter from THE BIG LEBOWSKI in the meme): “Am I the only one around here that thinks Bruce Lee is way more badass than Chuck Norris?”

Q: Want to know Chuck Norris fact?!

A: I (Bruce Lee smiling in the meme) kicked his ass.

The Foreigner (2017)

the foreigner

THE FOREIGNER (2017) Three stars

There’s a scene in Cameron Crowe’s SAY ANYTHING (1989) when Ione Skye’s Diane accuses John Cusack’s Lloyd of ageism or “prejudice or discrimination on the grounds of a person’s age.”

That was nearly three decades ago and you’d think we’d have progressed beyond all that, given Mike Gundy’s epic “I’m a man! I’m 40!” rant from several years back and the fact that Donald Trump’s over 70 years old, although Trump’s not a good example of aging gracefully.

Perhaps we have progressed generally, but not specifically in the realm of the action movie.

Hell, I don’t know, maybe it’s just me who’s guilty of action movie ageism.

I last liked an Arnold Schwarzenegger action spectacular all the way through, why it’s been since TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY and that’s 1991, folks. For what it’s worth, LAST ACTION HERO, TRUE LIES, and ERASER all had their high points but their lows outweighed their highs. BATMAN & ROBIN is just a disaster of epic proportions and COLLATERAL DAMAGE and TERMINATOR 3 are just weak retreads of previous Arnold hits. Arnold’s THE LAST STAND from a few years back did very little for me, though Johnny Knoxville’s presence certainly did not help and especially not when he’s wearing that damn goofy hat.

I’ve had trouble with Sylvester Stallone outside ROCKY and RAMBO movies. It’s been several years since I watched it, but I had great difficulty taking THE EXPENDABLES (2010) seriously or even appreciating it as preposterous action comic strip and now that I’ve admitted that I just might have my “man card” revoked. That’s why my mind was blown when CREED (2015) turned out so damn good. It’s one of the very best ROCKY movies, right behind the original in my estimation. Arnold and Sly teamed up for a prison escape flick named ESCAPE PLAN (2013) and I escaped from watching it with somebody else by taking a nap.

Bruce Willis branched out to PULP FICTION, THE SIXTH SENSE, and UNBREAKABLE, not to mention the absolutely ridiculous COLOR OF NIGHT made the same year (1994) as PULP FICTION. He’s not as pigeonholed to the action genre as Stallone and Schwarzenegger.

Guess this all brings me back around to THE FOREIGNER, starring Jackie Chan and Pierce Brosnan. Honestly, I had no great expectations one way or another coming in and I finished the movie feeling pleasantly surprised.

I’ll be the first to admit that I lost interest in Chan during the more American stage of his career. RUSH HOUR 3 can do that to a person and I skipped THE KARATE KID remake just because it seemed like a lame movie to watch in the 21st century. Over the years, though, I have sought out and watched several Chan spectaculars from earlier in his career, including RUMBLE IN THE BRONX, FIRST STRIKE, SUPERCOP, and THE LEGEND OF DRUNKEN MASTER, that succeeded in making him more of a star in America.

I thought Brosnan made a couple solid James Bond pictures, TOMORROW NEVER DIES and THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, but I honestly believe that he’s become a better actor with age, just like fellow pretty boys Robert Redford and Richard Gere. A couple days after consuming THE FOREIGNER, I saw Brosnan play basically the same “powerful man with dread secrets” role in Roman Polanski’s THE GHOST WRITER (2010). He’s good in this role. Maybe we’ve seen him become like Hal Holbrook or Dabney Coleman, who created archetypes for themselves decades ago.

The plot: Chan plays a London restaurateur (yes, he’s the foreigner or make that “The Foreigner”) whose daughter’s killed by a bomb in an early scene. Of course, it turns out that it’s a terrorist bomb and the terrorists responsible are, of course, the Irish Republican Army. Think it’s been a while since I’ve seen the IRA in the movies. This leads Chan’s protagonist Quan (after he’s been shooed away by the authorities) to the Deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland, Liam Hennessy (Brosnan), who’s a former IRA member. Quan wants Hennessy to give him names and he cannot believe Hennessy knows nothing. Quan seeks revenge.

Basically, we have two movies for the price of one: Quan’s single-minded revenge and Hennessy’s now chaotic life. We go back-and-forth between story lines. Of course, sometimes Quan and Hennessy meet in the middle.

Quan’s a departure for Chan. He’s not high energy like he’s been in everything from DRUNKEN MASTER to RUSH HOUR. There’s no slapstick and no mugging that distinguished Chan from other action movie stars, namely Schwarzenegger and Stallone. With his character in mourning, Chan plays it more melancholy than we likely have ever seen him before. Chan plays him quiet and we see all his pain.

Quan also takes advantage of the fact that all the other characters underestimate him.

We are fascinated by watching for that exact moment when Brosnan’s cool disintegrates in the face of plot developments, all those heavy machinations involving his nephew, his wife, his mistress, and his former IRA associates. Of course, there’s Quan, that fly in the ointment. Granted, this is a fly with special ops training.

Seeing Brosnan in THE FOREIGNER, I flashed back on THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY, where Brosnan played an Irish assassin and one-half of that film’s incredible ending. What ever happened to Harold Shand (played by the late, great Bob Hoskins)?

The Killing of Satan (1983)

day 106, the killing of satan

THE KILLING OF SATAN (1983) Three stars
Not exactly sure what to make of this 1983 Filipino production named LUMABAN KA, SATANAS or THE KILLING OF SATAN elsewhere in this great big world.

I mean, you can’t go too far wrong with a movie that features the line, “Satan! Where are you? Come out and fight!”

THE KILLING OF SATAN has a preposterous but literal plot (our hero does kill Satan), ridiculous dubbing (mouths are moving without dialogue coming out, I do believe, on multiple occasions), eye-popping special effects, nudity galore (not too much galore, though), and a hero who’s equipped with the powers of a jean jacket, jeans, a rockin’ ‘stache, and Chuck Taylors. Yeah, he’s an ex-con too and you’re right, he sounds like the most believable action hero to ever grace a movie screen.

Not sure how many action heroes graced a jean jacket. I do remember Martin Sheen wore one in BADLANDS, a Levi’s 507XX jacket, but does that count? Oh, I better not forget Chuck Norris and his demolition in denim from INVASION U.S.A.

Jean jackets apparently date back to the late 19th Century.

Levi Strauss designed the first-ever jeans in 1870, designed to be “a durable, breathable utility garment for cowboys, railroad engineers, and miners to wear during the gold rush out West.”

In all my research, I do not see Ramon Revilla, the actor who plays our hero Lando, listed among the great celebrities who rocked jean jackets. I mean, for crying out loud, I think he’s every bit as important as Kanye West, especially after research.

Revilla was around his mid-50s in age when he made THE KILLING OF SATAN. Are you kidding? That makes his feats in THE KILLING OF SATAN even more impressive. You must have God on your side, though, to overcome middle age, a jean jacket, being an ex-con, and that mustache.

Over a lengthy career that started in the 1950s, Revilla has been nominated for five and won two awards from the Filipino Academy of Movie Arts and Sciences (FAMAS), although he was not nominated for THE KILLING OF SATAN.

Revilla won Best Actor for his work in the 1973 film HULIHIN SI TIAGONG AKYAT and won the Presidential Award in 2005. His other nominations include Best Actor for NARDONG PUTIK (1972), SANUGIN ANG SAMAR (1974), and CORDILLERA (1986).

Revilla, now 91 years old, served 12 years (1992-2004) as Senator in the Philippines and he also developed a legendary reputation for being a ladies man, before he ever went near politics.

Did he use killing Satan for his campaign?

Revilla’s son Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr., who succeeded his old man in politics, took umbrage at Hollywood actor Alec Baldwin for his 2009 “mail-order bride” joke on David Letterman.

“Let him try to come here in the Philippines and he’ll see mayhem,” Revilla said.

“Bong” said this while being an active Filipino senator. Baldwin, of course, later apologized and said he understood why folks like the Senator were so upset.

“Bong” is Revilla’s 60th child of 72 children with 16 different women.

We’ll have more on the rest of THE KILLING OF SATAN in another episode.

Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)

day 67, first blood part ii

RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II (1985) Three stars
Sylvester Stallone has proven responsible for two movie franchises, ROCKY and RAMBO, that have produced a combined 12 films over the last four decades.

Outside those franchises, though, it’s been a struggle for the actor, writer, and director, barring a $255 million worldwide hit like CLIFFHANGER. (We’ll see how many EXPENDABLES installments they make.)

Honestly, it’s been a struggle for this viewer to stay interested through sheer crap like STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT!, for example, or to enjoy something like OVER THE TOP as more than an exercise in overblown ridiculousness (arm wrestling, child custody, and truck driving).

Given a choice between Stallone franchises, I’ll take ROCKY.

RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II works best on a comic book level, just like a couple of the ROCKY pictures from that era.

Just the other day, we took a look back at COMMANDO, a similar cinematic action comic strip with a muscular actor whose surname begins with the same letter.

FIRST BLOOD PART II came out May 22, 1985, while COMMANDO blew up screens beginning October 4, 1985. Only during the Cold War, baby!

Just like I prefer ROCKY over RAMBO, I prefer COMMANDO over FIRST BLOOD PART II for a similar reason.

FIRST BLOOD PART II makes a dread mistake with the female character Co-Bao, played by Julia Nickson. Why did they create her character in the first place?

Let’s be honest, Rambo and FIRST BLOOD PART II don’t know what to do with her. We don’t have time for love in this universe. It just bogs everything down.

Outside the first couple ROCKY movies, it’s often been a struggle for women characters in Stallone movies.

Rambo and Co-Bao are no Rocky and Adrian, for sure.

Rae Dawn Chong’s Cindy provided an unexpected bright spot in COMMANDO and helped elevate it above FIRST BLOOD PART II.

I don’t know, I just cringe when I hear Co-Bao ask Rambo to take her with him.

Then, she’s killed because, let’s face it, FIRST BLOOD PART II handles violence better than any other human attribute.

Her death means that a distraction’s out of the way and we can get back to the true love at the heart of FIRST BLOOD PART II.

I found the number of kills in the RAMBO movies: one in FIRST BLOOD, 74 in the first sequel, 115 in the third edition, and 254 in the fourth installment.

According to moviebodycounts.com, COMMANDO featured 88 kills, including 74 in the grand finale.

HOT SHOTS! PART DEUX satirized this rather well.

Frank Stallone’s big musical number over the FIRST BLOOD PART II end credits, why, you guessed it, it’s called “Peace In Our Life.” Yeah right, there’s barely even a moment of peace in the entire movie.

On a big, dumb action movie level, though, I enjoy both FIRST BLOOD PART II and RAMBO III. That’s about the only level I can enjoy them. I love that we have a protagonist who speaks less and less over time. When he does speak, though, we go back to enjoying the silence. “To survive war, you gotta become war,” I believe Gizmo adapted that mighty well in GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH.

If you think about FIRST BLOOD PART II, it falls apart or it disgusts you.

For example, let’s start with the premise that Rambo’s assigned to go to Vietnam to only take reconnaissance photographs of possible POWs. No engagement of the enemy whatsoever.

Yeah, sure, he’s a regular Henri Cartier-Bresson (1908-2004).

Murdock (Charles Napier) should have known better.

I mean, he only reads the following aloud, “Rambo, John J. Born 7-6-47 in Bowie, Arizona. Of Indian-German descent, that’s a hell of a combination. Joined the army 8-6-64. Accepted special forces, specialization: light weapon, medic, helicopter, and language qualified. 59 confirmed kills. Two Silver Stars, four Bronze, four Purple Hearts. Distinguished Service Cross and Medal of Honor. You got around, didn’t you? Incredible.”

Yeah, sure, no engagement of the enemy. Only photos. I mean, where does it say that in Rambo’s dossier?

We know, of course, that Murdock set Rambo up to fail and that Rambo will not fail … again, Murdock should have known better. You should have picked somebody else. Kurtwood Smith, coming off his performance as one of the sleaziest villains ever in ROBOCOP, inherited the sleaze mantle from Napier in RAMBO III.

In the RAMBO series, the early scenes in FIRST BLOOD (1982) are the ones that stick with me the most over time.

These scenes tell us everything that we need to know about John Rambo and his sad plight in his own country after coming home from Vietnam, and say more than Rambo’s actual concluding monologue.

FIRST BLOOD PART II works better on that level of articulation with Rambo’s “I want what they want and every other guy who came over here and spilled his guts and gave everything he had wants! For our country to love us as much as we love it! That’s what I want!” That’s about as good as any of the speechmaking in RAMBO gets.

Hey, do you remember when I said I liked FIRST BLOOD PART II more than COMMANDO? I lied.

Bloodsport (1988)

day 43, bloodsport

BLOODSPORT (1988) Three stars
RZA said that he’s probably watched THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN 300 times.

I have probably watched Jean-Claude Van Damme’s feature debut BLOODSPORT a good 100 times.

I can just remember being a young lad watching it every single damn time it played on cable television.

Yeah, every single time.

Idly clicking on that remote control day after day, depressed by all them channels and nothing to watch, then here came BLOODSPORT like an oasis in the sub-Sahara of Midwestern small town cable TV.

BLOODSPORT, you saved me from watching SHE’S OUT OF CONTROL again because there’s “nothing to do and nowhere to go.”

Van Damme played an important part in my adolescence. For a while, I was a raving JCVD fan, watching as many of his cheesy action flicks as possible. To be sure, JCVD had many, many fans during the late 1980s and throughout the 1990s, where his performing the splits at least once every flick became nearly as ubiquitous as Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa!” in all his films. All we needed was Van Damme splits followed by a Reeves “Whoa!” Life would have been perfect.

Eventually, though, I had to face the facts that Van Damme’s movies were not all that good.

Yeah, you’re right, I’m still mad about being ripped off by his 1997 pairing with Dennis Rodman, DOUBLE TEAM, and Rodman’s acting made a basketball fan pine away for the acting of his Chicago Bulls teammate Michael Jordan, who struggled considerably playing himself in SPACE JAM. That’s bad.

I felt ripped off by DOUBLE TEAM and somebody else rented it.

Oh dear Lord, I even forgot Mickey Rourke was in DOUBLE TEAM.

Roger Ebert started his review, “DOUBLE TEAM is one of the most preposterous action films ever made.”

That comes with the territory for Van Damme movies and it’s just amazing what cocaine will do.

Anyway, here we are back at BLOODSPORT, Van Damme’s magnum opus.

Under normal circumstances, it’s not a good movie, but like TEEN WOLF and OVER THE TOP, for example, I enjoy it particularly because it’s not good and it stockpiles cliches like rogue nations do atomic weapons. I like BLOODSPORT more than both TEEN WOLF and OVER THE TOP, though.

Let’s go through a brief cliche checklist for BLOODSPORT:

— Illegal martial arts tournament in Hong Kong.

— Our hero (Van Damme) who wants to go to honor his sensei, who trained our hero as if he was his own son.

— Our hero who must go absent without leave because his Army superiors balk at his participation in the martial arts tournament.

— The Army send a couple buffoons to chase our hero around Hong Kong. Bet they skip this film during a Forest Whitaker career retrospective.

— Our hero’s arch enemy (Bolo Yeung) in the illegal martial arts tournament who effectively creates a mood of menace until he finally opens his mouth to speak.

— Our hero’s new best friend (Donald Gibb), a loud-mouthed, cartoonish American who must take a fall to give the hero the revenge angle in the final match.

— Our hero’s obligatory love interest (Leah Ayres), who’s a reporter that wants access to the illegal martial arts tournament. She’s just appalled, terrified by the violence and, of course, wants the hero to not participate.

— How could I forget the loud, loud, loud rock music that’s used because the movie’s producers couldn’t afford Survivor.

Here it’s “Fight to Survive” by Stan Bush, a jaunty little rock number I remembered simply as “Kumite!,” the name of the illegal martial arts tournament the song chants until it’s hopelessly attached to your cerebrum.

Yes, that Stan Bush, who gave the world “The Touch” from TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE, later covered by Dirk Diggler in BOOGIE NIGHTS during his cocaine wannabe rock star days.

In 1986, Bush’s “The Touch” and “Weird Al” Yankovic’s “Dare to Be Stupid” (Al’s Devo style parody) split a single. Epic. Surely, it was released on Epic Records. (How ironic that YouTube cued up “Dare to Be Stupid” right after rocking out to “The Touch.”)

Think I like “Fight to Survive” more than “The Touch.”

— There’s a child actor playing the young Frank Dux (later played by Van Damme) in BLOODSPORT and he’s an astonishingly bad actor. He’s named Pierre Rafini and his only credit listed on IMDb is “Young Frank.” Awesome.

Honestly, that’s not a huge liability, since he’s only in a small portion of the film, not like for example David Mendenhall in OVER THE TOP and Norman D. Golden II in COP AND A HALF, who mugged so heavily during their performances that I look for my wallet after every viewing of their respective films.

— Slow motion. Lots and lots of slow motion. Maybe the whole movie should have been made in slow motion and we’d have a GONE WITH THE WIND-length martial arts epic.

— “Based on a true story,” about as true as “The Amityville Horror.”

Credit: “This motion picture is based upon true events in the life of Frank W. Bux. From 1975 to 1980 Frank W. Dux fought 329 matches. He retired undefeated as the World Heavy Weight Full Contact Kumite Champion. … (yada yada yada not in credits yada yada yada).”

BLOODSPORT screenwriter Sheldon Lettich touched on Dux in an interview found on Asian Movie Pulse, “Frank told me a lot of a tall tales, most of which turned out to be bullshit. … There was one guy who he introduced me to, named Richard Bender, who claimed to have actually been at the Kumite event and who swore everything Frank told me was true. A few years later this guy had a falling out with Frank, and confessed to me that everything he told me about the Kumite was a lie; Frank had coached him in what to say. … Nearly everyone knew he (Dux) was just a delusional day-dreamer and a big bullshitter.”

Dux served as the fight choreographer for BLOODSPORT.

— Van Damme made such waves in the motion picture industry that he received a Razzie nomination for “Worst New Star” and his competition included Don the Talking Horse from HOT TO TROT, Tami Erin from THE NEW ADVENTURES OF PIPPI LONGSTOCKING, Robby Rosa from SALSA, and the winner Ronald McDonald from MAC AND ME.

Lettich received a Worst Screenplay nomination for his work with Sylvester Stallone for RAMBO III. Both lost to COCKTAIL and its screenplay by Heywood Gould.

— Cannon released BLOODSPORT and all I can say about that is “Electric Boogaloo.”