Category: 3.5-stars

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949)

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THE ADVENTURES OF ICHABOD AND MR. TOAD (1949) Three-and-a-half stars

Walt Disney favored package films after the release of BAMBI (1942) and released about one every year to close out the 1940s.

THE ADVENTURES OF ICHABOD AND MR. TOAD runs at 68 minutes, split at just the right length between the opening Mr. Toad segment based on “The Wind in the Willows” by Kenneth Grahame and the closing Ichabod Crane segment based on “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” by Washington Irving. We have narration duties split between Basil Rathbone (MR. TOAD) and Bing Crosby (ICHABOD), plus Crosby handles voice duties for both Ichabod Crane and Brom Bones and sings a few songs. Crosby sings “The Headless Horseman” tale Brom Bones tells at the campfire that sticks in Ichabod Crane’s imagination on that famous long ride home.

Since we’re on a month of horror movie reviews, I will be focusing on the ICHABOD segment for the purpose of these few hundred words.

I must have first read “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” in eighth grade and it’s long been one of my favorite stories. It’s compulsively readable (an engrossing yarn as the publicists said in 1820) and I’m looking around for that damn Irving anthology I bought several years ago. It must be hiding, of course, probably somewhere right around that Edgar Allen Poe anthology that could squish a spider the size of a Buick.

Just take a prose sample:

“As Ichabod approached this fearful tree, he began to whistle; he thought his whistle was answered: it was but a blast sweeping sharply through the dry branches,” Irving wrote. “As he approached a little nearer, he thought he saw something white, hanging in the midst of the tree: he paused and ceased whistling; but on looking more narrowly, perceived that it was a place where the tree had been scathed by lightning, and the white wood laid bare. Suddenly he heard a groan—his teeth chattered, and his knees smote against the saddle: it was but the rubbing of one huge bough upon another, as they were swayed about by the breeze. He passed the tree in safety, but new perils lay before him.

“About two hundred yards from the tree, a small brook crossed the road, and ran into a marshy and thickly wooded glen, known by the name of Wiley’s Swamp. On that side of the road where the brook entered the wood, a group of oaks and chestnuts, matted thick with wild grape vines, threw a cavernous gloom over it. To pass this bridge was the severest trial. It was at this identical spot that the unfortunate Andre was captured, and under the covert of those chestnuts and vines were the sturdy yeoman concealed who surprised him. This has ever since been considered a haunted stream, and fearful are the feelings of the schoolboy who has to pass it alone after dark.”

As much as I like the Johnny Depp and Tim Burton SLEEPY HOLLOW (1999), it only appropriates the title and a few character names from Irving’s short story. It’s laughable when you read “Based on ‘The Legend of Sleepy Hollow’ by Washington Irving” in the credits, because Ichabod Crane’s transformed into a horror movie hero who’s rather normal even by Burton and Depp standards and he’s no longer a gold digger like in Irving’s story, where Ichabod schemes after Katrina Van Tassel more for her money than her looks and personality. Ichabod becomes the standard issue lovable movie eccentric and he’s also a constable and not a schoolteacher. Of course, that plays into a murder mystery that manufactures more twists than a year’s worth of production at a pretzel factory.

I have to stifle laughter at this very instant after reading the Wikipedia entry for the 1999 version, which starts “SLEEPY HOLLOW is a 1999 American gothic supernatural horror film directed by Tim Burton. It is a film adaptation loosely based on Washington Irving’s 1820 short story ‘The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.’”

How loosely? Very loosely. Maybe as loosely as the Demi Moore version of SCARLET LETTER.

Burton’s film seems more heavily influenced by Hammer Films (none other than Christopher Lee plays a small role) than the original story, which plays on legends, superstitions, and Ichabod’s overactive imagination for its horrors. SLEEPY HOLLOW makes one feel that it’s merely exploiting the Washington Irving name and literary reputation to give class to what would otherwise be another gory horror movie with a rather convoluted plot.

Take away the slapstick and Crosby’s songs about Ichabod and Katrina, the Walt Disney version sticks closer to the spirit and letter of Washington Irving and the final dozen minutes of ICHABOD AND MR. TOAD are a vivid reminder of Disney films’ ability to scare audiences in classics like SNOW WHITE, PINOCCHIO, and BAMBI.

Ultimately, though, with the Burton film, I accept it for what it is rather than what it is not. Cue to “Seinfeld” and “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” It does have a lot of virtues and I’ve enjoyed it every time seeing it since that first time in a theater in late 1999. Hey, that reminds me, I need to grab my VHS copy and put the damn thing on.

Cane Toads: An Unnatural History (1988)

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CANE TOADS: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY (1988) Four stars
January 14, 2019 will go down in history as one of the great movie-watching days of my life.

Let’s see, I consumed a 1984 kung fu comedy with a little bit of everything including drunken boxing and a monster known as “Banana Monster” or “Watermelon Monster” (TAOISM DRUNKARD, a.k.a. DRUNKEN WU TANG); a 1983 made-for-TV documentary called FROM STAR WARS TO JEDI: THE MAKING OF A SAGA that took a behind-the-scenes look at the making of RETURN OF THE JEDI; a 1987 anime that one headline called “classic demon Anime loaded with succubi, gore and tentacles” (WICKED CITY); a 1985 Japanese comedy mixing a love of movies and a love of food (TAMPOPO); one of the better Godzilla movies (GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE); an older Jackie Chan and an older Pierce Brosnan making it work in THE FOREIGNER; a 1988 Krzysztof Kieslowski film called A SHORT FILM ABOUT LOVE that lasts over 80 minutes (guess in the long run 80 minutes constitutes a short time); and I started on Peter Jackson’s debut BAD TASTE before calling it a day.

In between THE FOREIGNER and A SHORT FILM ABOUT LOVE, I watched CANE TOADS: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY, a 47-minute documentary directed by Mark Lewis on a species taking over northern Australia.

I found a poster for the movie and it hits you with such blurbs as “An Absolute Delight!” (New York Times), “An assault of sex-mad giant toads munching their way across Australia!” (Roger Ebert), and “Riotously funny and hilariously twisted!” (Dallas Times Herald). It has CANE TOADS in huge letters across the top of the spread and a photo of a cane toad who’s as big as the girl who’s holding it.

Yes, it’s one of those “nature run amok” films.

We find out early on that in 1935, the cane toad was introduced to Australia as pest control on a beetle pestering their sugar cane.

Let’s just say that plan backfired, and it backfired miserably.

The toads are back in the headlines in Australia.

“Australian senator says government should pay welfare recipients to kill cane toads” reads one.

Senator Pauline Hanson wrote an open latter to Prime Minister Scott Morrison and she’s a beaut.

“Dear Prime Minister

“As Queensland and neighboring states go through our Summer months, a further explosion of cane toads are hatching, adding to the estimated 200 million already here in Australia.

“Since their misguided introduction to deal with cane beetle in the North Queensland town of Gordonvale in 1935, cane toad numbers have exploded beyond the borders of Queensland and are having enormous effect on native Australian species.

“Unlike native frogs that lay between 1,000 and 2,000 eggs during their breeding cycle, toads will lay between 8,000 and 35,000.

“Their poisonous toxin is deadly to many native species including lizards, quolls, dingoes and crocodiles. Adult cane toads will eat almost anything it can fit in its mouth, including dead animals and pet food scraps. Their appetite and prolific breeding cycle knows no boundaries.”

Parents think teenagers are bad.

Hanson called for swift, bipartisan action.

“I would also encourage you to introduce a 3 month bounty over the Summer months to help reduce the breeding numbers throughout Queensland, New South Wales, the Northern Territory and Western Australia.

“A 10 cent reward for the collection of each cane toad, I believe would encourage most Australians living with the pest to take an active roll (role) in reducing their numbers until a biological measure is developed.”

In the movie, Lewis reportedly wanted to create sympathy for the hated animal.

One resident said, “There are still quite a large number of the toads around, but not as big as they use to be. But I still let the animal and they give me a lot of enjoyment.”

We get a toad’s eye view of the world in a multitude of shots.

Our title creatures participate in a PSYCHO spoof.

They even get songs like “Cane Toad Blues” (Tim Finn) and “Warts ‘N All” (Don Spencer, Allan Caswell).

Around the five- or six-minute mark, Dr. Glen Ingram, then the Senior Curator Amphibia and Birds at Queensland Museum, explains the process of “Amplexus.”

These toads sure do love them a whole lotta “Amplexus.” They are responsible for the phrase “horny toad.”

For example, around 150 were introduced to Oahu in 1932 and in just 17 months, the toads numbered over 100,000.

One article described cane toads as “Fat, toxic and nocturnal.” For some reason, that description called to mind Dean Wormer telling Flounder, “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”

Watching CANE TOADS: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY also brought to mind the 1972 American International exploitation picture FROGS.

One of the legends involving that low-budget picture was that many of the film’s 500 Florida frogs and 100 giant South American toads escaped during production.

Maybe they ran into the cane toads or movie star Ray Milland, who left FROGS three days early because he was such an unhappy camper.

Guess you could say that it’s more a laughing matter for somebody who doesn’t have to deal with cane toads in any way shape or form, because “They pose a bigger menace than the German Army in World War II” (quote from another movie poster).

1941 (1979)

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1941 (1979) Three-and-a-half stars
I have a general rule: Any movie featuring Slim Pickens, Christopher Lee, and Toshiro Mifune in the same scene will automatically be given a positive review, so Steven Spielberg’s 1941 has that going for it right off the bat.

I am sure you remember Pickens, Lee, and Mifune.

Pickens (1919-83) played many, many supporting roles in Westerns, but he also had a great role in Stanley Kubrick’s DR. STRANGELOVE as Major T.J. “King” Kong that incorporated his cowboy flair.

Lee (1922-2015) played Count Dracula seven times, I do believe, in Hammer productions like TASTE THE BLOOD OF COUNT DRACULA and later appeared in one James Bond, five Tim Burton, two STAR WARS, and three LORD OF THE RINGS films. There’s a story that Lee was once pulled over by a Hollywood traffic cop, who asked Lee if he should be driving in daylight.

Mifune (1920-97) appeared in over 150 movies during his career and none are more famous than his 16 collaborations with director Akira Kurosawa (ordered from last to first): RED BEARD, HIGH AND LOW, SANJURO, YOJIMBO, THE BAD SLEEP WELL, THE HIDDEN FORTRESS, THE LOWER DEPTHS, THRONE OF BLOOD, I LIVE IN FEAR, SEVEN SAMURAI, THE IDIOT, RASHOMON, SCANDAL, STRAY DOG, THE QUIET DUEL, and DRUNKEN ANGEL.

All three actors are each speaking different languages.

Awesome.

Pickens, Lee, and Mifune appear together early on in 1941 and we get the first shark victim in JAWS (actress and stuntwoman Susan Backlinie) as bonus opening scene treat.

1941 is the bastard child on Spielberg’s filmography, seemingly the film that even he doesn’t like all that much.

Just how much of a bastard child?

John Wayne and Charlton Heston were both offered the role of General Stilwell and turned it down because they believed 1941 to be unpatriotic.

I believe Wayne even told Spielberg that he should be ashamed … and called the script the most anti-American piece of drivel he ever read.

Robert Stack took on Stilwell and looking at photos of the real Joseph Stilwell, the actor looks just like the real person.

1941 came between CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977) and RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK in Spielberg’s filmography, so of course the $94 million worldwide gross of 1941 would be considered a huge bust compared to $300 million for CLOSE ENCOUNTERS and $390 million for RAIDERS.

It’s an oversized, loud comedy that mostly fails on that intended level, but succeeds in other ways. That’s very strange and yes, 1941 is very strange indeed.

Spielberg himself said, “Some people think (1941) was an out-of-control production, but it wasn’t. What happened on the screen was pretty out of control, but the production was pretty much in control. I don’t dislike the movie at all. I’m not embarrassed by it. I just think that it wasn’t funny enough.”

Spielberg has said that Robert Zemeckis, who co-wrote the picture with Bob Gale, should have directed the picture.

Though I don’t laugh at the vast majority of 1941, I am never bored and I end up smiling through a lot of the picture.

I’ve already mentioned Pickens, Lee, Mifune, and Stack, and that just scratches the surface of the star power on board.

We also have Dan Aykroyd, Ned Beatty, John Belushi, Lorraine Gary, Murray Hamilton, Tim Matheson, Warren Oates, and Nancy Allen, and several more familiar faces in Treat Williams, Bobby DiCicco, Eddie Deezen, Wendie Jo Sperber, Perry Lang, Penny Marshall, Michael McKean, Joe Flaherty, Mickey Rourke, and John Candy.

In addition to Pickens, we have a couple more of the great old-time character actors in Dub Taylor and Elisha Cook Jr.

Williams, DiCicco, Dianne Kay, and especially Sperber are particularly delightful and basically steal the movie away from the bigger names. They are fun, fun, fun, that’s for sure, and their work peaks at the USO club sequence, by far the best part of the movie that incorporates a dance contest and a brawl. This sequence found inspiration from both a film and real life: Universal Pictures’ HELLZAPOPPIN’ (1941) and the Zoot Suit Riots of 1943. I rate this sequence with any Spielberg’s ever done throughout his nearly five-decade career; Spielberg thought about making 1941 an old-fashioned musical, but he said he didn’t have the guts to go through with it at the time.

There’s just a lot of enjoyable moments during 1941, plain and simple.

For example, Stilwell watched DUMBO twice in real life during the month of December 1941 when he was a commander in the Los Angeles area. Stilwell, I believe, even cries watching DUMBO in 1941. Sure difficult being a cinephile.

Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)

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EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC (1977) Three-and-a-half stars
There’s movies that are hated and then there’s EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC, a movie that received hate on an epic, violent level since it’s considered the worst sequel ever made and one of the worst films ever.

Sequels are often penalized for being too much like the original and then ironically enough, EXORCIST II has been lambasted for being nothing like the original mass phenomenon known as THE EXORCIST.

EXORCIST II director John Boorman admitted to not even liking the original film and his sequel is a direct challenge to the film that came before it.

I just want to know, did Boorman and fellow director William Friedkin ever get into a shouting match that degenerated into fisticuffs?

In a 2017 interview with IndieWire, Friedkin said, “I saw a few minutes of EXORCIST II, but that was only because I was in the Technicolor lab timing a film that I had directed — I forget which one — and one of the color timers at Technicolor said, ‘Hey, we just made a a print of EXORCIST II, would you like to have a look at it?’ I said OK. I went in, and after five minutes, it just blasted me. I couldn’t take it. I thought it was just ridiculous and stupid. But that was only five minutes, so I can’t make an ultimate judgement about it. It just seemed to me to have nothing to do with THE EXORCIST.”

Friedkin was also famously quoted, “And I looked at half an hour of it and I thought it was as bad as seeing a traffic accident in the street. It was horrible. It’s just a stupid mess made by a dumb guy — John Boorman by name, somebody who should be nameless, but in this case should be named. Scurrilous. A horrible picture.”

Boorman articulated on EXORCIST II in a 2005 interview with Film Freak Central, “The film that I made, I saw as a kind of riposte to the ugliness and darkness of THE EXORCIST — I wanted a film about journeys that was positive, about good, essentially. And I think that audiences, in hindsight, were right. I denied them what they wanted and they were pissed off about it — quite rightly, I knew I wasn’t giving them what they wanted and it was a really foolish choice. The film itself, I think, is an interesting one ­— there’s some good work in it — but when they came to me with it I told John Calley, who was running Warners then, that I didn’t want it. ‘Look,’ I said, ‘I have daughters, I don’t want to make a film about torturing a child,’ which is how I saw the original film. But then I read a three-page treatment for a sequel written by a man named William Goodhart and I was really intrigued by it because it was about goodness. I saw it then as a chance to film a riposte to the first picture. But it had one of the most disastrous openings ever — there were riots! And we recut the actual prints in the theatres, about six a day, but it didn’t help of course and I couldn’t bear to talk about it, or look at it, for years.”

Boorman lived out the Jean-Luc Godard quote “In order to criticize a movie, you have to make another movie.”

The critical (and audience) reaction to EXORCIST II seems based on whether or not you liked or hated THE EXORCIST. If you liked it, you hated EXORCIST II; if you hated it, you liked EXORCIST II.

For example, BBC critic Mark Kermode called EXORCIST II the worst film ever made because it trashed the greatest film ever made (THE EXORCIST). Leonard Maltin called it a “preposterous sequel” and Gene Siskel, who rated it no stars, chimed in with “the worst major motion picture I’ve seen in almost eight years on the job.” Siskel ranked THE EXORCIST No. 3 on his Top 10 list for 1973, behind only THE EMIGRANTS / THE NEW LAND and LAST TANGO IN PARIS.

Pauline Kael, a fan of Boorman and a Friedkin detractor, wrote of the original, “The demonic possession of a child, treated with shallow seriousness. The picture is designed to scare people, and it does so by mechanical means: levitations, swivelling heads, vomit being spewed in people’s faces. A viewer can become glumly anesthetized by the brackish color and the senseless ugliness of the conception. Neither the producer-writer, William Peter Blatty, nor the director, William Friedkin, show any feeling for the little girl’s helplessness and suffering, or for her mother’s. It would be sheer insanity to take children.”

Kael on the sequel, “This picture has a visionary crazy grandeur (like that of Fritz Lang’s loony METROPOLIS). Some of its telepathic sequences are golden-toned and lyrical, and the film has a swirling, hallucinogenic, apocalyptic quality; it might have been a horror classic if it had had a simpler, less ritzy script. But, along with flying demons and theology inspired by Teilhard de Chardin, the movie has Richard Burton, with his precise diction, helplessly and inevitably turning his lines into camp, just as the cultivated, stage-trained actors in early-30s horror films did. … But it’s winged camp — a horror fairy tale gone wild, another in the long history of moviemakers’ king-size follies. There’s enough visual magic in it for a dozen good movies; what it lacks is judgment — the first casualty of the moviemaking obsession.”

When I finally caught up with EXORCIST II in the late ’00s, I liked it and liked it enough that it held a spot on my top 10 list for 1977 for a few years. Yeah, I seem to be one of those crazy, wacky people who likes both THE EXORCIST and EXORCIST II. I’ll go ahead and be a heretic, and I’ll step up in defense of THE HERETIC.

— First and foremost, I have never seen a dull or non-visually captivating and compelling John Boorman film. His credits include POINT BLANK, DELIVERANCE, ZARDOZ, EXORCIST II, EXCALIBUR, and THE EMERALD FOREST. As Kael said in her review, EXORCIST II has enough visual magic in it for a dozen good movies. I mostly enjoy EXORCIST II on the level of a first-rate sound and light show. I see the film’s looniness as a virtue, but I can see where that would be a problem with viewers who love the Friedkin picture. Never even on a dare (let alone a review) do I hope to have to explain the plot of EXORCIST II.

— Boorman’s beef with THE EXORCIST centered on its treatment of Regan. Blair earned an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actress for her work in THE EXORCIST, although credit should be given to stunt double Eileen Dietz and actress Mercedes McCambridge, who performed the most controversial scenes (Dietz) and provided the voice of the demon (McCambridge). EXORCIST II gives us a Blair in a transitional period between her child star past and her exploitation film future. She’s absolutely radiant, glowing even in EXORCIST II.

“Finally, one day, the script appears,” Blair said of EXORCIST II. “And I felt like, ‘Wow, this project is amazing, it’s perfect, it’s fabulous.’ They presented a really good next step, for the film, for the project, for Regan. You give me these amazing actors. Richard Burton, for me, that was what got me. To work with Richard Burton, that’s still, to this day, is one of the highlights of my life.”

— Ah yes, Burton (1925-84), an actor reputed to be one of the best actors on his best days and one of the worst actors on his worst days. You can virtually smell the alcohol on Burton during EXORCIST II, so you can guess which end of the Burton performance spectrum covers EXORCIST II. However, I’ll take a Burton train wreck performance over Sir Laurence Olivier’s later “take the money and run” career work in, for example, MARATHON MAN, THE BOYS FROM BRAZIL, and DRACULA, where Olivier (1907-89) stands out for his mannered (tortured) accent.

— I am fascinated by sequels that go in the opposite direction or even comment and criticize the previous entry, like BACK TO THE FUTURE 2 and GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH. They’re far more interesting than sequels that are more or less just inferior copies of the original film, like, for example, JAWS 2 and OMEN II and many, many, many others.

I would even say that EXORCIST II has a more original, more daring vision than THE EXORCIST.

Stripes (1981)

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STRIPES (1981) Three-and-a-half stars
Bill Murray was the Groucho Marx of the 1980s, especially during films like STRIPES and GHOSTBUSTERS.

STRIPES is Murray’s DUCK SOUP.

It’s not only all the one-liners and the institutional putdowns throughout both films, but a couple later scenes.

In DUCK SOUP, Groucho’s Rufus T. Firefly starts opening up machine gun fire and it only brings him immense pleasure.

Firefly boasts “Remind me to give myself the Firefly medal for this!”

Then his loyal assistant informs Firefly that he’s firing upon his own men.

Of course, Firefly offers his assistant $5 to keep it under his hat, but then Firefly withdraws the offer and keeps the five spot under his own hat.

Firefly’s joy during that sequence and the whole film, for that matter, come back when Murray’s John Winger takes on them darn Commies in STRIPES.

Murray, like Groucho, treated all this like one great big put-on.

That’s the comic attitude that informs STRIPES and like Groucho, Murray never played the fool. He’s the intelligent one, the hustler who knows the score, and sure Murray’s foil Sgt. Hulka (Warren Oates) socks it to Winger during basic training, but eventually the pair reluctantly find common ground and reach an understanding.

Winger first wanted to join the U.S. Army based on a lark, not some great conviction to serve his country.

For example, Winger thought he could pick up more women in the military.

Winger: “Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it’s usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. I mean, it’s not just the uniform. It’s the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.”

Winger and his best friend Russell Ziskey (Harold Ramis) see the EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle as an opportunity to go pick up their Military Police girlfriends (P.J. Soles, Sean Young) in West Germany and enjoy a holiday in Switzerland. Of course, this leads to their comrades seeking them out and being captured by the Soviet Army. Winger and the gang rescue their friends with that heavily-armed recreational vehicle on their side.

Winger keeps that lark attitude throughout STRIPES, even after his friends fall into Soviet hands.

Winger: “C’mon, it’s Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick ’em up, we zip right out again. We’re not going to Moscow. It’s Czechoslovakia. It’s like going into Wisconsin.”

Everything’s a lark to Winger (and Murray).

Murray and Ramis make a very good comedic duo. You might be surprised to find out STRIPES (directed by Ivan Reitman) had been originally intended to be a Cheech and Chong vehicle, but that pair wanted the dreaded “complete creative control.” Both Ramis himself (who scripted ANIMAL HOUSE and directed CADDYSHACK) and Columbia Pictures were reluctant to have Ramis onscreen, but Murray insisted that he would only be paired with Ramis.

Ramis is vital to the success of STRIPES. He’s the ordinary guy counterbalance to Winger, but also the loyal best friend who ends up along for the ride despite knowing that his best friend’s crazy. Ramis brings an interesting tension to the movie that might not have been there, for example, had Dennis Quaid played Russell, such as the scene when Russell starts choking Winger. Quaid seems far more the stereotypical All-American hero type. Also, Ramis and Murray shared dynamite chemistry.

Veteran character actor Warren Oates is also vital to STRIPES. Like Russell, Sgt. Hulka makes a great counterbalance to Winger. There’s just one dramatic scene in STRIPES, when Hulka confronts Winger in the latrine. Hulka dares Winger to take a swing at him. Winger obliges, and Hulka wipes the floor with Winger. Even more so than Winger, Hulka knows the score. Hulka had originally been scheduled for death in the mortar accident and to be replaced by his twin brother also played by Oates, but the creative powers-that-be thankfully scrapped that concept.

On vacation in 2017, riding over the George Rogers Clark Memorial Bridge headed into Louisville, I thought it seemed very familiar and sure enough, it’s the bridge where Winger melodramatically quits taxi driving by flinging his keys into the Ohio River. Fortunately, we did not reenact the scene that day; it definitely would have been fun making it back home.

Would it be safe to say STRIPES is the greatest movie ever shot in Louisville?

Not so fast, my friend, as former Louisville head coach Lee Corso would say.

GOLDFINGER, RAIN MAN, A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, and THE INSIDER, for example, might have something to say about that.

Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)

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LONE WOLF MCQUADE (1983) Three-and-a-half stars
Let’s get the facts straight on Chuck Norris.

That might be impossible at this point, even though I have the book “Chuck Norris vs. Mr. T” by Ian Specter on the shelf below Ray Bradbury and on top Benjamin Franklin. How’s that for strange literary bedfellows?

You might not know Specter by name, but you know his creation “Chuck Norris Facts” that blew up the Internet in the mid-2000s. He’s your typical, pencil-necked geek from an Ivy League school who thought it would be a laugh riot (and smart investment strategy) to parody Norris’ machismo. I thought his facts were a laugh riot and quoted them endlessly in between reciting Charles Bukowski’s “Notes of a Dirty Old Man.”

The humor was on the level of “Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.”

Since I technically majored in history in college, I got more of a kick out of the historically-based facts. Donald Trump would probably call them “alternative facts.”

Like, for example, I loved the one “JFK wasn’t killed by a bullet, Chuck Norris ran in and deflected the bullet with his beard … JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.”

That’s the most cogent explanation for JFK’s assassination I’ve ever heard and damn, if they had existed back then, Chuck Norris Facts would have saved me from watching Oliver Stone’s JFK.

Apparently, Norris was in on the joke himself until he sued Mr. Specter late 2007 and early 2008.

Mr. Specter quotes from the suit letter in his “Chuck Norris vs. Mr. T” intro, “Mr. Norris is known as an upright citizen to whom God, country, and values are of paramount importance” and “Mr. Norris also is concerned that the book may conflict with his personal values and thereby tarnish his image and cause him significant personal embarrassment.”

The parties eventually reached a settlement in the spring of 2008.

In a roundabout way, we’re here to discuss LONE WOLF McQUADE, Norris’ best film (along with CODE OF SILENCE) and one of his first successful attempts to break free of the martial arts stranglehold.

The director Steve Carver and Norris worked together previously on EYE FOR AN EYE and here Carver wanted to mess with Norris’ squeaky clean image (critic Dave Kehr called Norris “a Boy Scout Clint Eastwood”), insisting that Norris grow a beard and drink beer. Norris, of course, was hesitant. You’ve not lived until you have seen Norris roll around in the mud with Barbara Carrera.

When I found this movie was rated PG by the Motion Picture Association of America, I thought it must have been a mistake. Did we see the same movie?

No, apparently not, and the MPAA pencil necks saw the light due to Norris persuasion. Just think they were all scared of that Norris roundhouse.

Norris said, “This is the second time I’ve appealed. They gave GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK an R, but I persuaded them to make it a PG. My argument was the strong, positive image I project on the screen. The word karate, unfortunately, connotes violence to many people. Actually, it’s a means of avoiding violent situations, and a form of defense if you have no choice and you’re backed into a corner. … My films are very similar to the John Wayne movies of the ’40s. He’d go in a bar and Jack Palance would pick a fight with him, and then Wayne would take out half the saloon. It’s the same theme: A man is pushed into a situation where he has to resort to violence.”

What a bunch of hooey.

Norris avoided violence like I avoid metaphors.

I mean, seriously, why else would we watch a Norris action spectacular?

LONE WOLF McQUADE gives us a few more reasons to watch than the average Norris action spectacular.

Carver wanted to recreate the atmosphere of a Sergio Leone film, to put the viewer in that mythic, larger-than-life mindset.

L.Q. Jones and R.G. Armstrong are in the cast and just a year before LONE WOLF, they were seen together in THE BEAST WITHIN. The brief plot summary of that one: “A young woman gets raped by a mysterious man-creature, and years later her son begins a horrific transformation into a similar beast.” That beast would be a cicada.

Jones, who turned 91 in August, appeared in 163 movies and TV shows ranging from HANG ‘EM HIGH and Sam Peckinpah epics (Jones and Armstrong were both in PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID) to CASINO and THE MASK OF ZORRO.

Armstrong (1917-2012), whose ‘G’ in his name stands for “Golden,” had memorable roles in PREDATOR, DICK TRACY (Pruneface), and CHILDREN OF THE CORN among his nearly 200 credits. In fact, I still cannot believe that he did not survive those Gatlin, Nebraska upstarts in the latter film. No respect for their elders. Damn kids.

I nearly always enjoy seeing Jones and Armstrong.

I love it, for example, when Armstrong’s superior officer leans on Norris’ J.J. McQuade to change his slovenly, “lone wolf” ways. McQuade’s a blemish on the wholesome, upstanding Texas Ranger image.

This is a scene that we’ve seen in many, many films involving cops, I mean you can guess what happens when a superior officer calls the protagonist or protagonists into his office. Sometimes, it’s fun to watch. More often, it’s a pain in the neck.

This one works, because of Armstrong. He’s one of the greats in crotchety, and it’s also enjoyable watching somebody dish it out to Norris for a change.

Dana Kimmell plays Norris’ daughter in the movie and she went from surviving Jason Voorhees to surviving being Norris’ daughter.

Of course, it’s rough on her in that macho, macho, macho world.

David Carradine (1936-2009) gives the flick a legitimate villain, not some candy ass pushover. Unlike Norris, Carradine played both good guy and bad guy roles throughout his career, and he’s credible at both. (Norris made a great villain in Bruce Lee’s WAY OF THE DRAGON, but he turned hero after that. Yawn.) Of course, we’re all waiting for Norris and Carradine to have their final showdown.

There’s one legendary scene in LONE WOLF McQUADE.

It’s relatively late in the proceedings.

McQuade is captured and beaten by Carradine’s Wilkes, and Wilkes orders his men to put McQuade in his customized Dodge truck and bury him alive.

You don’t bury McQuade alive, especially not in his Dodge.

McQuade finally comes to, opens up a beer and pours it over his head, and starts up his souped-up truck, which plows through the dirt en route to reality.

You can’t bury McQuade alive, you fools.

Outside his truck, McQuade then dispenses some anonymous henchmen and, in a heap on the ground, our exhausted Ranger tells his young Latino partner, “Get me a beer, kid.”

McQuade’s truck deserved a movie of its own.

Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)

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INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS (1973) Three-and-a-half stars
Granted, you know yourself better than anybody else, but tell me if this tagline / synopsis just doesn’t hook you in right away: “A powerful cosmic force is turning Earth women into queen bees who kill men by wearing them out sexually.”

I mean, sign me up to watch that movie!

Did Valerie Solanas ­— author of the SCUM (Society for Cutting Up Men) Manifesto and famous for her attempted assassination of Andy Warhol — write INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS?

Not even close, because INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS gives us a Grade-A B-nudie flick and you know that when the most prudish character is played by a former Playmate of the Year (Victoria Vetri, when she went under the name Angela Dorian).

Anyway, future STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN and TIME AFTER TIME scribe and director Nicholas Meyer wrote this one and it’s something that he can be proud about. I mean, it’s something that I would be proud about writing.

Apparently not, since Meyer wanted to have his name removed from the credits before his manager talked the Hollywood newcomer down. Upon further research, Meyer’s script had been altered while he visited his family, hence that whole wanting his name stricken from the permanent record.

I bet folks ask him all the darn time about THE WRATH OF KHAN and TIME AFTER TIME, and understandably so, but how about INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS, a film that I believe rates with THE WRATH OF KHAN and TIME AFTER TIME on an entertainment level.

I don’t know, I enjoyed this film like I enjoyed Russ Meyer classics FASTER, PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! and BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS and let’s face it that I’m amused by such a ridiculous premise and I’m turned on by the women in this film like I am the women in FASTER PUSSYCAT and BEYOND THE VALLEY.

In his IMDb profile, William Smith’s biography starts “Biker, bare-knuckle brawler, cowboy, Bee-Girl fighter, vampire hunter … William Smith has done it all.” Over a long career, you might remember him for being at odds with Joe Namath in the biker flick C.C. AND COMPANY (1970) or being Clint Eastwood’s fisticuffs opponent in ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN (1980), which could go 15 rounds with THEY LIVE’s fight scene between Roddy Piper and Keith David.

Obviously, William Smith’s government agent Neil Agar can hang with the bizarre world of INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS.

Ultimately, though, it’s not about him and the beautiful women, led by Anitra Ford’s Dr. Susan Harris and the Brandt Research Facility, and the dirty old men here make the horny scientists in TOWER OF EVIL (1972) chaste in comparison. Look up “horny scientist flick” and INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS should be depicted with the incredible bee girl transformation sequence filed Exhibit A.

I can’t go without mentioning the line “They’re dropping like flies.” I love it every single line, every single time. If I would have had the opportunity to meet late character actor Cliff Osmond (1937-2012), I would have made him read me that line.

Other taglines for INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS: “They’ll Love the Very Life Out of Your Body!”, “Ordinary housewives turn into ravishing creatures,” and “They’ll Turn You on from Dusk to Dawn.”

Other titles for INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS: “The Honey Factor” (working); “Alien Predators” (bootleg); “Graveyard Tramps” (reissue). On French TV, the movie plays as INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS.

You can find copies of INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS everywhere, since its D-cups are public domain.

I came across it on at least two different cheapie 50-movie horror packs from Mill Creek that stack up public domain titles ranging from classics like NOSFERATU and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD to less than classics, some of them so bad that I don’t want to even name them.

MGM packaged INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS with INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES during its epic “Midnite Movies Double Feature” DVD series.

There’s also INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS packaged with THE DEVIL’S 8, UNHOLY ROLLERS, and VICIOUS LIPS on the “4 Cult Movie Marathon Volume One” DVD … and the Bee Girls also have a Scream Factory solo Blu-Ray release.

The One-Armed Swordsman (1967)

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THE ONE-ARMED SWORDSMAN (1967) Three-and-a-half stars
Last month, our glossary of cinematic terms included “giallo,” the Italian thriller genre that definitely had an impact on the American slasher film.

Just a few days into November, now we have “wuxia,” a genre of Chinese fiction incorporating martial arts, sorcery, and chivalry.

The genre enjoyed its 15 minutes of fame in America during the successful run of CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON (2000). (I’ll never forget the tittering of some in the audience throughout its two hours at the Pittsburg 8 Cinema. I loved the movie.)

There’s just something about handicapped swordsman movies from the 1960s, but, then again, maybe only I have this problem.

Back in the days of a free Hulu account, I enjoyed the heck out of the Japanese ZATOICHI THE FUGITIVE, ZATOICHI ON THE ROAD, and ZATOICHI AND THE CHEST OF GOLD, starring Shintaro Katsu as the blind swordsman Zatoichi.

Just a couple years ago, I caught up with THE ONE-ARMED SWORDSMAN and its sequel released two years later, RETURN OF THE ONE-ARMED SWORDSMAN, both part of the Dragon Dynasty DVD series of releases that will give viewers a greater sense of where Quentin Tarantino found his inspiration. (One should also seek out 1976’s THE ONE-ARMED BOXER VS. THE FLYING GUILLOTINE, another highly entertaining concoction in the same league with INFRA-MAN and DRUNKEN MASTER.)

Jimmy Wang Yu stars as the titular protagonist, Fang Kang, whose servant father sacrifices his life to save his teacher and the Chi school of Golden Sword Kung Fu in the opening scene. The servant father’s dying wish is to have his son be taught at his master’s school. Fang Kang’s fellow students, especially the teacher’s daughter, grow to resent him and they do their best to make him leave. On a snowy night, Pei-er, the teacher’s daughter, challenges Fang Kang to a fight and in anger over his refusal to fight her, she chops off his arm. Dang, girl! Fang Kang flees through the woods.

A young woman named Xiao Man inadvertently finds Fang Kang (he falls into her boat) and nurses him back to good health. He decides that he will give up swordsmanship (we know how that’ll work, especially with the movie’s title) and become a farmer with Xiao Man.

Meanwhile, the bad, bad men led by The Long-Armed Devil and The Smiling Tiger have it out for Fang Kang’s teacher, Qi Ru Feng, and have developed a “sword-lock” device that will be the demise of Qi Ru Feng and all his disciples.

(Wouldn’t you love to be called “The Long-Armed Devil”? Well, that’s not a question for “the short-armed.”)

Fang Kang becomes depressed over not being able to practice his martial arts and the ever-reluctant Xiao Man gives him a half-burned out kung fu manual that she inherited from her dead parents. Fang Kang, of course, becomes a new master, yeah, you guessed it, “The One-Armed Swordsman.”

The One-Armed Swordsman learns of the plot to kill Qi Ru and saves the day.

We could have written this script with one arm tied behind our backs. Just please make it the weak arm.

I should now mention THE ONE-ARMED SWORDSMAN includes much bloodletting, a year’s worth of production at the blood bank in 117 minutes. This bloodletting will likely interest contemporary audiences more than anything else.

Not sure how they made the fake blood in THE ONE-ARMED SWORDSMAN, but there’s recipes for it throughout the Interwebs.

Bet we’ll have to start with corn syrup.

THE ONE-ARMED SWORDSMAN (influenced by American Westerns and Japanese Samurais) ushered in a new era of Hong Kong movies built around male anti-heroes, swordplay, and bloodletting.

This pioneering Shaw Brothers production became the first Hong Kong film to gross HK $1M in returns and made Jimmy Wang Yu an early martial arts star.

Commando (1985)

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COMMANDO (1985) Three-and-a-half stars
In some ways, COMMANDO is the ultimate comic book movie, although it’s merely based on a screenplay by Steven de Souza and a story by de Souza, Joseph Loeb III, and Matthew Weisman rather than something adapted from DC or Marvel.

It moves fast, thankfully so very, very fast because it keeps us from looking at logical mistakes, continuity errors, and the like. There’s a lot of them and we cruise right past them, because it’s onward and forward to the next bit of action. From the first scene, it’s nonstop action for 90 minutes, larger-than-life action with a larger-than-life hero who’s funnier than, for example, Howard the Duck.

Arnold Schwarzenegger made for a great villain in THE TERMINATOR and he made for a great comic book action hero in COMMANDO, a style that he would again utilize to great effect in PREDATOR and TOTAL RECALL. He’s the right size of personality and fighting style for John Matrix, and he’s believable in an unbelievable world that’s like a heightened macho take on terrorism in news reports.

Both the director Mark L. Lester and screenwriter de Souza are right at home with an exaggerated macho world. Lester directed THE CLASS OF 1984, the Punks vs. Teachers public school nightmare world epic from 1982 that should be required viewing for substitute teachers or anybody entering a public junior high or high school today for the first time. De Souza wrote screenplays for the first 48 HOURS and the first two DIE HARD pictures, so he proved himself at writing the mixture of action with comedy that worked for Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, and Eddie Murphy, especially Schwarzenegger, who seemed to have studied Clint Eastwood.

Just as Eastwood perfected reading lines like “Go ahead, make my day,” “Smith and Wesson … and me,” and “Why don’t you boys suck some fish heads, huh?” by the time of SUDDEN IMPACT, Schwarzenegger did the same in several of his films from THE TERMINATOR and PREDATOR to KINDERGARTEN COP and TERMINATOR 2. There’s a reason Schwarzenegger’s dialogue became the basis for soundboards. He just might be at his funniest on film throughout COMMANDO. (For the ultimate Schwarzenegger experience, try his 1983 “Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Total Body Workout.” Nirvana edited together clips from “Total Body Workout” to most humorous effect when the band played the U4 on November 22, 1989 in Vienna, Austria, Schwarzenegger’s native land.)

Take his exchanges with Sully, one of the prerequisite henchmen who’s a genuine sleaze (played by none other than David Patrick Kelly, who did this kind of creep in THE WARRIORS, 48 HOURS, and DREAMSCAPE, for example).

At one point early in the movie, Matrix tells Sully, “You’re a funny guy Sully, I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.”

Later on, though, we get a great big payoff based on his promise that he would kill Sully last.

Did anybody remember this exchange when Schwarzenegger ran for Governor of California in the 2003 recall election?

You should remember Matrix’s line “I eat Green Berets for breakfast and right now, I’m very hungry” right alongside Nada’s “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass … and I’m all out of bubblegum” from THEY LIVE.

In one of his funniest reviews, Roger Ebert on the “Siskel & Ebert” program boiled COMMANDO down to its essence: “Schwarzenegger tough guy, bad guys kidnap daughter, he blow ’em up real good.” Ebert said the script was written on the back of a small envelope.

They made some great choices for the actors who played the bad guys. In addition to Kelly, they picked Dan Hedaya, Vernon Wells, and Bill Duke. They’re actors who you love to hate, especially Hedaya, who’s been effective in that role in everything from BLOOD SIMPLE to THE HURRICANE. He made a great Richard Nixon in DICK.

Back when reviewing THE FLY (1986) a couple months ago, I touched on how it and DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978) work on several more levels than just merely being horror movies.

To a slightly lesser extent, the same holds true for COMMANDO within the action movie genre. Other Schwarzenegger films work on additional levels.

In THE TERMINATOR, for example, we get an unexpected tender love story between Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn) and Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton).

In COMMANDO, we get the airline stewardess character named Cindy and played by Rae Dawn Chong, a part that Sharon Stone and Brigitte Nielsen wanted.

“The part was written for a Caucasian actress,” Chong said, “so I knew I had only one shot. My first reading with Arnold was this weird scene where he pulls a dildo out of my handbag. I knew other actresses were stumbling, because the character was supposed to shrug and say, ‘It gets lonely on the road.’ I thought that was so lame, so when my turn came I screamed and said, ‘That’s not mine!’ It got me the part. Was Arnold embarrassed about the dildo? Not even slightly. He didn’t break a sweat running a state, and he didn’t break a sweat handling a dildo then.”

Of course, there was a plan for a sex scene between Matrix and Cindy when they’re en route to the dictator’s island, but the studio did not like a Schwarzenegger and Chong pairing just as surely as Universal Pictures did not want a Schwarzenegger and Grace Jones pairing in CONAN THE DESTROYER. It worked out for the best in the long run, because that final scene of Matrix and his daughter boarding the plane with Cindy says all there needs to be said.

Cindy gives COMMANDO an extra dimension, a nice change of pace within a hypermacho world, and characters like her lift a genre picture even higher above others.

Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)

DAY 6, GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER

GODZILLA VS. HEDORAH (1971) Three-and-a-half stars
Greg Kihn’s “The Breakup Song” posited that they don’t write ’em like that anymore.

Well, they don’t make movies like GODZILLA VS. HEDORAH (Toho Company title and version in 1971) or GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER (American International title and version in 1972) or, for that matter, movies like INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS and INFRA-MAN anymore. Where do you start with movies like that? Where do you end?

GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER must be seen to be or not to be believed. It’s ridiculous, absolutely and sublimely ridiculous, in ways that only a truly great “bad” movie can be.

Honestly, though, I don’t think it’s bad at all and it’s definitely infinitely better than the 1998 American GODZILLA starring Matthew Broderick. I mean, come on, Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin, you create a pair of characters based on Siskel & Ebert after their negative reviews of your previous movies and then you don’t have the testicular fortitude to kill them off. Wusses!

This is the 11th GODZILLA movie in the series and it honestly features just a little bit of everything.

No, seriously.

The IMDb plot summary: “From Earth’s pollution a new monster is spawned. Hedorah, the smog monster, destroys Japan and fights Godzilla while spewing his poisonous gas to further the damage.”

That only barely scratches the surface of GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER. Even if the movie only revolved around that plot summary, I would be interested, but this flick goes the extra mile to entertain us.

Just yesterday I wrote about how I love it when a horror movie takes on more than just being a horror movie and gives us more.

That applies to Godzilla movies or any genre for that matter.

In this 11th Godzilla movie, we have a pro-environmental message replete with a song titled “Save the Earth,” we have a psychedelic freakout in a club with a tripping dude conjuring up partiers adorned with fish heads, we have weird animated interludes, we have little scientific lessons on nebulas and the like, we have a smog monster who looks more like a shit monster, and, last but definitely not least, a flying Godzilla, yes, a flying Godzilla using his atomic breath for jet propulsion. Was the similar scene in ROBOCOP 3 a tribute?

Those are simply the highlights.

Thankfully, the Save-the-Earth message doesn’t get too preachy or smug (it’s not ripe to be mocked by “South Park”) because of everything else surrounding it.

It’s a dark movie overall and genuinely scary in a few parts, because, let’s face it, none of us want to be killed by a shit monster.

Godzilla and Hedorah go 15 rounds in a heavyweight fight.

Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster could have been paired with Ali vs. Frazier, a creature feature before or after the boxing match.

The geniuses at American International ran GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER together with FROGS. What a pair! Best pair since Marilyn Monroe, right?

I’ve long been fascinated by what movies are titled in country from country. We’ve already covered a pair of titles for the 11th Godzilla movie and here’s four more. How about HEDORAH, LA BURBUJA TOXICA (Spain) or HEDORAH, THE TOXIC BUBBLE.

GODZILLA CONTRA MONSTRUOS DEL SMOG (Mexico) or GODZILLA AGAINST MONSTERS OF SMOG.

FRANKENSTEIN’S BATTLE AGAINST THE DEVIL’S MONSTER or FRANKSTEINS KAMPF GEGEN DIE TEUFELMONSTER in German.

GODZILLA CONTRE LE MONSTRE DU BROUILLARD (French) or GODZILLA AGAINST THE MONSTER OF FOG.

That’s just a brief international title sampler.