FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY (2003) No stars

Remember that scene in SCREAM 2 when horror movie geek Randy (Jamie Kennedy) blurts out SHOWGIRLS as his favorite scary movie?

In similar fashion, I blurt out FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, one of the worst musicals and worst movies ever made. The thought of watching it again, now that’s scary, and so instead I will trust myself for a review I wrote of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY many years ago. Here’s that review:

FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY set a lame musical number land speed record.

(approximate time)

Opening Number No. 1 — Kelly Clarkson sings “I Won’t Stand in Line.”

Opening Number No. 2 — Kelly sings the Go-Go’s “Vacation.”

6-7:00 — Stupid Beach Number.

10:00 — Lame White Guy Rap No. 1.

15:00 — Another Lame Group Number.

26:00 — Latino Flavored Number.

31:00 — Stabbed Myself in the Leg with an O’Reilly Auto Parts Blue Ink Pen.

34:00 — Stomach-curdling Love Ballad.

39:00 — Lame White Guy Rap No. 2.

43:00 — Charming, Oops, Harrowing Lame Pop Number.

51:00 — No Distinctive Lameness.

1:07:00 — Another Gut-Wrenching Ballad.

1:10:00 — Continuation of Previous Lame Ballad.

1:13.00 — Big Party Number (KC and the Sunshine Band cover).

1:16:00 — Lame White Guy Rap No. 3.

YOUR FEARFUL REPORTER SKIPPED THE END CREDITS.

Now it’s time for the multiple choice portion of this review.

Q: Justin Guarini’s hair most closely resembles this walking hair disaster:

A. Sideshow Bob, “The Simpsons”

B. Jack Nance, ERASERHEAD

C. “Kid” of Kid ’N’ Play

D. Carrot Top, Prop Comic Master

A: Ding! Ding! It is Sideshow Bob!

Q: The sexual activity of Justin and Kelly should be classified:

A. Coitus Interruptus

B. Coitus Postponus

C. Coitus or No Coitus Aggravate Us

A: Coitus or No Coitus Aggravate Us!

Some random declarations:

— FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY singlehandedly knocked Western Civilization back.

— Justin and Kelly have no chemistry.

— Travis Payne’s choreography made Busby Berkeley and Bob Fosse roll over in their graves.

— Justin leads three of the lamest guys in the history of the world. Actually the geeky guy in the glasses is the coolest and more closely resembles a real human being than his two male counterparts.

— Kelly’s entered into a Whipped Cream Bikini Contest. Remember this is a PG-rated spectacular. The MPAA citing: “For thematic elements, sensuality, and brief language.” Hell is said four or five times. Does this sound remotely like Spring Break?

— FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY made yours truly grateful he calls landlocked Kansas home.

— FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY also reminded me why I hate “American Idol” and have only watched two episodes over the years.

A scene missing from FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY: Remember that scene in ANIMAL HOUSE where the Delta House brothers throw their beer cans at the picture of pledge Flounder? Well, in FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, Spring Break revelers throw their beer cans at a picture of Justin Guarini.