GIANT SPIDER INVASION (1975) One star
Alan Hale’s opening line informs us we’re dealing with a bad movie: HI, LITTLE BUDDY.

Amazingly, THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION did not credit Sherwood Schwartz, the writer-producer responsible for both “Gilligan’s Island” and “The Brady Bunch,” for that line. Hale played the Skipper on “Gilligan” and I kept looking for Bob Denver as the Skipper’s local hick deputy or a drunk in a bar presided over by a bartender named Dutch. Denver never showed up, but did Hale show up in Denver’s “The Wackiest Wagon Train in the West.” This is a tough question.

Hale’s first line references his old TV show and one of his last lines references JAWS. His character’s all quips in this movie, asking the visiting NASA scientist if he’s seen JAWS and when our resident intellectual answers in the affirmative, Hale says “[This giant spider] makes that shark look like a goldfish.”

Well, I’ll quip right back: JAWS makes THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION look like a bad home movie or a film student’s very first production.

Bill Rebane films certain scenes in ways that approximate good old Roger Corman. The camera loves this absolutely precious little nymphet. We get tight shots of her cleavage and her crack barely seeping out of her scant panties. There are two dirty old men who make passes at her. She lists her measurements at 35-24-35. Turner Classic Movies did not dub in the Commodores’ “Brickhouse,” although the precise body measurements are different. The opening credits list her as “introducing Dianne Lee Hart.” Bet she never shows her grandkids this film. However, she manages to survive a 50-foot spider’s attack. Bet Rebane wanted her back for the sequel.

Her older sister (Leslie Parrish) did not luck out. First and foremost, she’s a lush. She outdrinks Ken Curtis in THE KILLER SHREWS and competes with Carolyn Brandt from THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES for the crown of B-Movie Drinking Champion. She’s made a mutant spider’s snack. This was obvious from her first scene. She drinks straight from the bottle, makes a pass at her younger sister’s date, and displays the first hint of any nudity. This is why her character obviously deserved to die.

The film has its dubious charms. Dutch rounds up a local good old boy and good old girl brigade that will take on a 50 ft. spider and fail miserably – amazingly, this mob did not cry out THEY’RE TAKING OUR JOBS! How often do citizen action brigades succeed in the movies? There’s a carnival scene and my first thought was WILL THE SPIDER ATTACK THE CARNIVAL? A follow-up question: ARE THERE STARS IN THE SKY? There’s a lot of scientific jargon read with a straight face . . . “unpredecented phenomena” . . . gamma ray shower . . . decreased barometric pressure . . . 600 gram charge . . . 360 degrees . . . “shower it with neutrons.” And nine, wait, thirteen dead cattle (where’s PETA?) and three explosions, no, wait, it may have been four. I obviously lost track. Oh, there’s a revivalist preacher intoning “hellfire and brimstone,” “locusts,” and “abominations.” I thought his last proclamation came after he caught a sneak preview of this film. The Sheriff reads a book titled FLYING SAUCERS WANT YOU. The giant spider here may have made the shark in JAWS look like a goldfish but the film JAWS made THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION (again) look like a bad home movie. You win some, you lose some.