Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982) One star

The late critic Roger Ebert (1942-2013) took a lot of heat from readers for his review of HALLOWEEN III, mainly because his review contained glaring factual errors, including the biggie that Michael Myers was in HALLOWEEN III. Even those who agree with his basic finding that HALLOWEEN III sucks wish that Ebert had written a better review.

Recently, a Facebook post on a cult and exploitation film group referenced Ebert’s HALLOWEEN III review from one of his video companion books as just one more reason why the critic sucked. Going back nearly five years ago, the “Halloween III: Season of the Witch Appreciation” group posted his entire review. Would it be too much to say get over it? I mean, I hope Ebert never looked back and moved on past HALLOWEEN III.

Here’s the part, though, referencing Myers: “It begins at the end of HALLOWEEN II, when the monster was burned up in the hospital parking lot, but it’s not still another retread of the invincible monster. In fact, the monster is forgotten, except for a lab technician who spends the whole movie sifting through his ashes.”

Here’s what I find most fascinating: There’s a “Halloween III: Season of the Witch Appreciation” group. Certain fans of the film stick up for it very, very, very intensely and go after those who do not believe in their cult favorite, a phenomenon that also exists with other flicks like, for example, HOWARD THE DUCK. Be careful, very very very careful indeed, when expressing a “negative” opinion these days about somebody’s misunderstood, neglected cult favorite.

As one might gather from the star rating, I think HALLOWEEN III sucks. Yeah, I said it, just like how Rodney Dangerfield said it during CADDYSHACK. (HALLOWEEN III fans believe their movie’s been treated like Dangerfield’s most famous line.)

At just about this moment in time, somebody might be saying that I just don’t understand the conceptual brilliance throughout HALLOWEEN III.

No, believe me, I get HALLOWEEN III, I understand it, hell I even admire it for trying something completely different than being just one more damn assembly line horror movie sequel, I think it fails miserably.

I find HALLOWEEN III to be a drag, a real downer of a movie, redeemed only somewhat by two performances, including one by veteran Irish character actor Dan O’Herlihy as diabolical villain Conal Cochran, the world’s greatest practical joker. Though I enjoyed O’Herlihy more in both THE LAST STARFIGHTER and ROBOCOP, he brings that same ebullient spirit to HALLOWEEN III. He’s just like a James Bond super villain.

Unfortunately, though, I would be hard-pressed to name a main protagonist in any horror movie I like less than Dan Challis in HALLOWEEN III. Maybe somebody from THE AMITYVILLE HORROR series, perhaps. It’s no coincidence that HALLOWEEN III co-writer and director Tommy Lee Wallace also wrote AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION (1982), giving him the distinction of being involved with two of the most unpleasant mainstream horror films I’ve ever seen. Both films come from the Dino DeLaurentiis Corporation. Not sure if there’s an “Amityville II: The Possession Appreciation” group in this great big world.

Challis, getting back on track, he’s played by Tom Atkins. I do like Atkins, especially in the cult favorite NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. He’s traditionally a supporting actor, but I don’t think Atkins proved himself up to the task of being the lead actor. He’s too much of a creep in HALLOWEEN III.

Because of that, HALLOWEEN III features one of the most awkward, most unbelievable, and creepiest love scenes in history between Atkins and Stacey Nelkin.

I do believe Ebert nailed it on Nelkin: “The one saving grace in HALLOWEEN III is Stacey Nelkin, who plays the heroine. She has one of those rich voices that makes you wish she had more to say and in a better role. But watch her, too, in the reaction shots: When she’s not talking, she’s listening. She has a kind of rapt, yet humorous, attention that I thought was really fetching. Too bad she plays her last scene without a head.”

Though enjoying both Nelkin and O’Herlihy (file them under good performances in bad movies), the majority of the movie bludgeons me over the head every few minutes with a gory murder scene involving characters I don’t give a damn about. This is one of those movies where you apply ice to the back of your head after it’s over because it’s been hitting you for 100 minutes.

In a nutshell, we have mostly unpleasant characters in unpleasant situations, topped off by ultra-annoying commercial jingles for Silver Shamrock (I get that it’s the point of these jingles) and plots and scenes recycled wholesale from better movies like INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956 version) and James Bond.

Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

Leprechaun (1993)

LEPRECHAUN (1993) One star
“Just turn off your brain and enjoy the movie.”

Sure everyone’s heard that argument before in their lives when you have the sheer audacity not to enjoy a movie that somebody else holds dear. You think it’s dumb, stupid, idiotic, a waste of precious time, et cetera, and you think, hey, wait, how can you possibly enjoy anything by turning off your brain. I found this priceless bit of information on the Internets, “You may have heard that the brain has a pleasure center that lets us know when something is enjoyable and reinforces the desire for us to perform the same pleasurable action again. This is also called the reward circuit, which includes all kinds of pleasure, from sex to laughter to certain types of drug use.”

This train of thought occurred during LEPRECHAUN, a “brainless” film that left my reward circuit rather unrewarded and so my brain traveled elsewhere. I wanted to enjoy the movie, but it was a 92-minute slog that indulged thoughts like, for example, why did I not just watch the far superior KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE again or, after seeing Mark Holton in the role of Ozzie in LEPRECHAUN, maybe I should have looked up TEEN WOLF instead, films that reward my reward circuit because they’re not dumb, stupid, idiotic, wastes of precious time. (Are you glad that you bought that LEPRECHAUN box set for cheap at Walmart in Grove, Oklahoma, boy genius? How are you going to get through that series, especially since you rarely drink anymore?)

“Leprechaun brainless” entered into Google returned 22,700 results and you guessed it, “Just turn off your brain and enjoy the movie” receives airing in the defense of director Mark Jones’ magnum opus. In fact, the first search result calls LEPRECHAUN “a hilariously bad horror movie” and features the line “It ain’t the greatest, but it’s good for brainless entertainment.”

The Cheat Sheet calls LEPRECHAUN the sixth funniest B-movie of all time — TROLL 2 and TOXIC AVENGER top the list and other gems in the top 25 include No. 8 KILLER KLOWNS, No. 9 PIRANHA, and No. 22 PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE. The Cheat Sheet illustrates the case for LEPRECHAUN with a still from LEPRECHAUN 3 captioned as being from the first LEPRECHAUN.

The only laughs that LEPRECHAUN generated from me are what one might call bad laughs.

What’s a bad laugh?

It’s the experience of the following dialogue exchange, for example, from the Luciano Pavarotti bad laugh masterpiece, YES, GIORGIO (1982).

Giorgio Fini: Pamela, you are a thirsty plant. Fini can water you.

Pamela: I don’t want to be watered on by Fini.

Or the disclaimer at the end of Irvin Allen’s THE SWARM: “The African killer bee portrayed in this film bears absolutely no relationship to the industrious, hardworking American honey bee to which we are indebted for pollinating vital crops that feed our nation.”

Or finding both the killer doll in CHILD’S PLAY and the killer leprechaun in LEPRECHAUN laughable in a bad way.

Did I mention that LEPRECHAUN runs 92 minutes?

Why, oh dear Lord why.

It runs those 92 minutes at a snail’s pace. No, make that at the pace of a three-toed sloth, a mammal that averages a distance of only 0.15 miles per hour.

LEPRECHAUN feels like it moves 15 minutes per hour, so we’ve just seen GONE WITH THE WIND rather than LEPRECHAUN. Ha!

For example, there’s a sequence where the leprechaun kills a police officer that makes five minutes feel like forever.

And that just about describes LEPRECHAUN.

Barring her uncredited role as “Dancer in McDonald’s” in another epic cinematic train wreck known as MAC AND ME (1988), Tory Reding was Jennifer Aniston’s first feature film role. You might have missed her as Ferris Bueller’s sister in 13 episodes of “Ferris Bueller” (TV).

Apparently, Aniston, who’s been in her fair share of bad movies outside her 1999 duo of OFFICE SPACE and THE IRON GIANT (voice work), feels more than a wee bit embarrassed by LEPRECHAUN. I can totally sympathize with her.

LEPRECHAUN is neither good enough nor bad enough to be any good.

Pearl Harbor (2001)

PEARL HARBOR (2001) One star
If you’re a fan of Turner Classic Movies, surely at one point or another you’ve come across the old-fashioned screen romance set in the midst of wartime be it World War I or World War II or (even) Vietnam.

A FAREWELL TO ARMS and WATERLOO BRIDGE are just a couple of the classic titles.

You might have noticed a hallmark or two at work from the Meet Cute and the romantic, lyrical interludes (before Simon & Garfunkel, Cat Stevens, and every other overly sensitive singer-songwriter provided the songs) to the departure scenes before the soldier goes off to fight and finally tragedy for the star-crossed lovers in such harrowing times for all humanity.

They become a microcosm.

Right or wrong, such cinematic hallmarks should be laughed right off the screen in postmodern times when they’re played wrong.

For example, Michael Bay’s PEARL HARBOR, one of the most insulting, most cloying excuses for mass entertainment ever made. (Keep in mind that Harrison Ford’s worst movie just might be HANOVER STREET, another weeper from Hell.)

PEARL HARBOR not only borrows scenes and themes wholesale from those earlier wartime romances, but it smuggles in good old-fashioned World War II films to form a half-soap opera and half-war epic for the Attention Deficit Cinema. It turns out to be all-crock and all-crook.

I don’t know about you, but the romantic triangle between would-be matinee idols Ben Affleck, Kate Beckinsale, and Josh Hartnett does not belong in the same picture with the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.

Be prepared for the attack on both elements.

How about that romantic triangle?

Let us break them down angle-by-angle-by-angle.

I’ve never been a big Affleck fan, Hartnett’s not much better, and Beckinsale nearly always proved to be easy on the eyes but difficult on every other sense.

They’re no Gary Cooper, Robert Taylor, Helen Hayes or Vivien Leigh.

Basically, we’re dealing with three dubious actors in the first degree, then …

Give them dialogue that would have sank greater actors, like “Returning from the dead wasn’t all that I expected … but that’s life”; “You are so beautiful it hurts,” “It’s your nose that hurts,” and “I think it’s my heart”; “You know, the only thing that scares me is that you might love him more than you love me,” and they’re flirting with disaster.

How dare them Japanese attack a romantic triangle? Do they have a heart?

There’s not one scene between the lovers in PEARL HARBOR that even approaches indelible screen moments like Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr’s love scene on the beach in FROM HERE TO ETERNITY and Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman’s farewell in CASABLANCA.

PEARL HARBOR unfortunately does not get any better in the war scenes and since this is historical fiction, we see fictional characters intertwined with impressions of real-life characters Franklin D. Roosevelt and Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle, who are portrayed respectively by Jon Voight and Alec Baldwin.

If the actors playing the romantic triangle get dialogue rejected by a soap opera, Voight and Baldwin chew on dialogue that’s just as recycled from old war movies, especially for Baldwin’s Doolittle.

Doolittle: “There’s nothing stronger than the heart of a volunteer” and “Victory belongs to those who believe in it the most and believe in it the longest. We’re gonna believe. We’re gonna make America believe too.”

I believe in victory, sure enough, and that’s every time I have survived the 3-hour, 4-minute cheesefest (that’s an insult to cheese) that will live in cinematic infamy.

There was the time my sister and I watched it in a suburban St. Louis multiplex because she refused to watch anything else. Oh, I would have paid extra to watch anything other than PEARL HARBOR or hell, I should have stayed home and watched paint dry. At least the paint won’t explode after an hour of the worst dialogue.

After the movie, I looked around for military recruiters creeping and crawling through an Affton theatre.

A few years down the line, our History in Film & Fiction class at Pittsburg State brought out Michael Bay’s disaster, and it still epically sucked or in the past tense of a hit song, it felt like the first time.

PEARL HARBOR’s lasting positive contribution to culture was that it provided the inspiration for one of the memorable songs in TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE, Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s satire on lamebrained action movies, “Pearl Harbor Sucks.”

I could have quoted the lyrics for this review, believing in every line except for the one about how Cuba Gooding Jr. needed a bigger part.

Anyway, those lyrics are definitely better than this blurb found on Movieweb: “On a sleepy Sunday morning in December, as children played and families prayed, squadrons of Japanese warplanes screamed across the skies of a Hawaiian paradise and launched a surprise attack on the U.S. armed forces at Pearl Harbor. The infamous day that jolted America from peaceful isolationism to total war and altered the course of world history is relived in this epic tale of patriotism, passion and romance from producer Jerry Bruckheimer, producer/director Michael Bay and screenwriter Randall Wallace.

“PEARL HARBOR focuses on the life-changing events surrounding December 7, 1941, and the war’s devastating impact on two daring young pilots (Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett) and a beautiful, dedicated nurse (Kate Beckinsale). It is a tale of catastrophic defeat, heroic victory, personal courage and overwhelming love set against a stunning backdrop of spectacular wartime action.”

Hey, please keep in mind that you don’t have to believe in the bullshit you write.

I, however, believe in every single word when I tell you that PEARL HARBOR sucks.

Poltergeist III (1988)

POLTERGEIST III (1988) One star
Cheech & Chong said “man” 295 times in UP IN SMOKE (1978).

By comparison, characters said “Carol Anne” 121 times in POLTERGEIST III.

Still, I have this nice dream where the movies are spliced together via the miracle of modern technology and somehow Cheech & Chong say “Carol Anne” rather than “man” 295 times. Yes, rather than the characters played by Tom Skerritt and Nancy Allen, Cheech & Chong are tracking down Carol Anne and fighting the evil spirits. Skerritt makes a cameo in this alternate POLTERGEIST III, since he played Strawberry in UP IN SMOKE and that will be his character this second time around.

I do have this strange habit of imagining alternate scenes or alternate entire movies pieced together from two different movies.

For example, I remember Carey Mulligan’s character singing “New York, New York” in SHAME (the Steve McQueen and not the Ingmar Bergman version) and then all of a sudden, I had this vision of the Gremlins’ grand musical production number of the same song in GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH. Here was the big tender moment in SHAME and I wanted the Gremlins’ version instead to show up on the screen. It played out inside my head that Mulligan started before she was oh so rudely interrupted by the mass Gremlin chaos choir. I also sing the Gremlins’ version every time I come across Frank Sinatra’s standard, which must be one of the most overplayed songs in popular culture.

Fantasies like that help to pass time, especially during a bad movie like POLTERGEIST III where I often can’t stand the sight of what’s on screen.

In economics, the law of diminishing returns refers to a point at which the profit becomes less than the amount of money or energy invested.

In movies, diminishing returns refers mainly to sequels that are vastly inferior to previous films in the series. Just look at any number of movie series for examples.

This third POLTERGEIST tries our patience right from the start with its central premise and it only gets worse through its execution.

It’s rather sick.

I mean, that poor child Carol Anne (played by Heather O’Rourke).

Why couldn’t they just let her be after POLTERGEIST II: THE OTHER SIDE?

What she endured in the first two movies would be enough for several lifetimes, but she’s back for a third installment and without her parents (Craig T. Nelson and Jo Beth Williams) and brother (Oliver Robins). Carol Anne’s been sent to live with her aunt (Allen) and uncle (Skerritt) at their high rise apartment in Chicago.

We know that she’s going to be put through the wringer for the third time as soon as we see her, no matter that she’s 2,000 miles and 30 hours by car away from Southern California, location of the infinitely superior first POLTERGEIST.

(By the way, Nelson was approached to return for POLTERGEIST III but he reportedly said “Two was enough.” That’s nowhere as brilliant as what Roy Scheider thought about JAWS 3-D, “Mephistopheles couldn’t talk me into doing (it). They knew better than to even ask.”)

POLTERGEIST III saddles poor Carol Anne with a psychiatrist named Dr. Seaton (Richard Fire). Of course, in the movies, psychiatrists normally do more harm than good and well, this Dr. Seaton character follows that character pattern to a T. Dr. Seaton encourages Carol Anne to chat with him about her experiences, though he believes her to be delusional, and, of course, this discussion enables the evil spirit of Rev. Henry Kane to find Carol Anne and wreak havoc on her once again.

This Dr. Seaton is a real piece of work. He belongs in the annals of bad screen doctors alongside such notables as the paranormal investigator played by Robert Joy in AMITYVILLE 3-D and the psychiatrist played by Bruce Willis in COLOR OF NIGHT.

A demon first burns Joy’s Dr. Elliot West’s face and then drags him to Hell. One of just a couple highlights in AMITYVILLE 3-D.

Dr. Seaton gets pushed to his death down the empty elevator shaft of the 100-story John Hancock Center.

Willis’ psychiatrist lives through COLOR OF NIGHT.

Well, you know, two out of three ain’t bad.

The POLTERGEIST movies, especially this third installment, have long been tinged with sadness and talk of the “Poltergeist Curse” almost overshadows the movies.

Dominique Dunne, who played Carol Anne’s older sister, died at the age of 22 five months to the day after the release of POLTERGEIST. Dunne’s ex-boyfriend, John Thomas Sweeney, strangled Dunne in the driveway of her West Hollywood home. Dunne went into a coma and died five days later on November 4, 1982.

O’Rourke died at the age of 12 on February 1, 1988 under extremely unusual circumstances. She died of cardiopulmonary arrest caused by septic shock due to intestinal stenosis, and her manager said at the time, “It’s weird. She was completely healthy Saturday, they thought she had the flu on Sunday and she was dead on Monday.” She had been diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease (chronic inflammation of the intestines) in 1987.

Dunne and O’Rourke are buried at the Westwood Memorial Park in Los Angeles.

POLTERGEIST III (released June 10, 1988) was O’Rourke’s last film and it was dedicated to her memory.

The Giant Spider Invasion (1975)

GIANT SPIDER INVASION (1975) One star
Alan Hale’s opening line informs us we’re dealing with a bad movie: HI, LITTLE BUDDY.

Amazingly, THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION did not credit Sherwood Schwartz, the writer-producer responsible for both “Gilligan’s Island” and “The Brady Bunch,” for that line. Hale played the Skipper on “Gilligan” and I kept looking for Bob Denver as the Skipper’s local hick deputy or a drunk in a bar presided over by a bartender named Dutch. Denver never showed up, but did Hale show up in Denver’s “The Wackiest Wagon Train in the West.” This is a tough question.

Hale’s first line references his old TV show and one of his last lines references JAWS. His character’s all quips in this movie, asking the visiting NASA scientist if he’s seen JAWS and when our resident intellectual answers in the affirmative, Hale says “[This giant spider] makes that shark look like a goldfish.”

Well, I’ll quip right back: JAWS makes THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION look like a bad home movie or a film student’s very first production.

Bill Rebane films certain scenes in ways that approximate good old Roger Corman. The camera loves this absolutely precious little nymphet. We get tight shots of her cleavage and her crack barely seeping out of her scant panties. There are two dirty old men who make passes at her. She lists her measurements at 35-24-35. Turner Classic Movies did not dub in the Commodores’ “Brickhouse,” although the precise body measurements are different. The opening credits list her as “introducing Dianne Lee Hart.” Bet she never shows her grandkids this film. However, she manages to survive a 50-foot spider’s attack. Bet Rebane wanted her back for the sequel.

Her older sister (Leslie Parrish) did not luck out. First and foremost, she’s a lush. She outdrinks Ken Curtis in THE KILLER SHREWS and competes with Carolyn Brandt from THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES for the crown of B-Movie Drinking Champion. She’s made a mutant spider’s snack. This was obvious from her first scene. She drinks straight from the bottle, makes a pass at her younger sister’s date, and displays the first hint of any nudity. This is why her character obviously deserved to die.

The film has its dubious charms. Dutch rounds up a local good old boy and good old girl brigade that will take on a 50 ft. spider and fail miserably – amazingly, this mob did not cry out THEY’RE TAKING OUR JOBS! How often do citizen action brigades succeed in the movies? There’s a carnival scene and my first thought was WILL THE SPIDER ATTACK THE CARNIVAL? A follow-up question: ARE THERE STARS IN THE SKY? There’s a lot of scientific jargon read with a straight face . . . “unpredecented phenomena” . . . gamma ray shower . . . decreased barometric pressure . . . 600 gram charge . . . 360 degrees . . . “shower it with neutrons.” And nine, wait, thirteen dead cattle (where’s PETA?) and three explosions, no, wait, it may have been four. I obviously lost track. Oh, there’s a revivalist preacher intoning “hellfire and brimstone,” “locusts,” and “abominations.” I thought his last proclamation came after he caught a sneak preview of this film. The Sheriff reads a book titled FLYING SAUCERS WANT YOU. The giant spider here may have made the shark in JAWS look like a goldfish but the film JAWS made THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION (again) look like a bad home movie. You win some, you lose some.