Porky’s (1981)

PORKY’S (1981) Three stars

“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public,” H.L. Mencken famously said.

Mencken said that long before the success of PORKY’S, PORKY’S II: THE NEXT DAY, and PORKY’S REVENGE!, comedies which combined for over $200 million in box office and rental returns. Mencken died in 1956.

PORKY’S earned the vast majority of that $200 million and it came from out of seemingly nowhere to place fifth at the American box office in 1982, behind only breakaway winner E.T., ROCKY III, ON GOLDEN POND, and AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN. PORKY’S sat on top of the American box office from late March through early May and it was dethroned by Arnold Schwarzenegger and CONAN THE BARBARIAN.

Unlike those other films, however, critics absolutely detested PORKY’S and aligned it with FRIDAY THE 13TH and THE CANNONBALL RUN in an unholy trinity of films that would no doubt lead to the downfall of Western Civilization. PORKY’S exhibits more than most how a film can be hated by critics and loved by the masses.

The success of the first PORKY’S spawned a whole slew of teenage sex comedies, often nostalgic and especially set in either the 1950s or 1960s.

I claimed a copy of PORKY’S as one of my first VHS purchases in my late teenage years and it quickly became a favorite movie of my rowdy group of friends. We loved it, as well as NATIONAL LAMPOON’S ANIMAL HOUSE, CADDYSHACK, KINGPIN, and THE BIG LEBOWSKI.

Every time I watch PORKY’S, I find a few big laughs and that’s why I am giving the film a passing grade. As far as the sequels are concerned, they are dreadful and deserve their horrible reputation. I remember seeing all of them in heavily edited form on “USA Up All Night,” before catching up with them all on video or pay TV.

Of course, our seven high school horn balls in PORKY’S are all played by older actors: Dan Monahan turned 26 in 1981, Mark Herrier 27, Wyatt Knight 26, Roger Wilson 25, Cyril O’Reilly 23, Tony Ganios 22, and Scott Colomby 29. That’s not anything new for a Hollywood film. For example, in GREASE, another highly successful nostalgia piece, John Travolta was 23 when he made it and Olivia Newton-John was 28 almost 29, Stockard Channing 33, Jeff Conaway 27, Barry Pearl 27, and Michael Tucci 31 when they were playing high school students.

Speaking of GREASE, one could describe PORKY’S as GREASE with T&A and rednecks instead of PG and greasers and without musical numbers.

PORKY’S includes sex jokes, condom jokes, sex jokes, size jokes, sex jokes, nude jokes, sex jokes, penis jokes, sex jokes, virgin jokes, sex jokes, and fat jokes, especially at the expense of villains Porky (Chuck Mitchell, a 6-foot-3, nearly 400-pound man) and Ms. Beulah Balbricker (Nancy Parsons).

Porky is a real vile piece of work, a saloon and brothel owner who is the most powerful man in his county. Every public official seems to be related to Mr. Wallace, namely his brother Sheriff Wallace (former NFL great Alex Karras). Mitchell wraps his best redneck goon around such dialogue as “I was givin’ the old place an enema and this pile of shit come floatin’ up to the surface” and “Where are these five little virgins who think they reached manhood? You wanna tangle ass with me? Come up here, you sawed-off punk! I’ll educate ya! I’ll wrap this right around your damn neck!” It is to Mitchell’s credit that he creates such a nasty character that we do root for his comeuppance in the final reel.

Balbricker embodies the worst killjoy or she’s basically portrayed as the Carrie Nation of the teenage sex comedy. Less successful, though, much less successful. After all, Carrie Nation (1846-1911) said things like “I felt invincible. My strength was that of a giant. God was certainly standing by me. I smashed five saloons with rocks before I ever took a hatchet” and “I want all hellions to quit puffing that hell fume in God’s clean air.” Balbricker (also called “Ball-breaker” and “King Kong” by other characters) develops an obsession with one character’s penis. Please can we call it a tallywhacker? Penis is so personal. Parsons, like Mitchell, gives a very good performance, one that rates with John Vernon in ANIMAL HOUSE.

Kim Cattrall must have used her work here as Miss Honeywell (“Lassie”) during her audition for “Sex and the City.” It definitely beats MANNEQUIN.

Writer and director Bob Clark (1939-2007) has a very interesting story and filmography, since his credits include the 1974 proto-slasher BLACK CHRISTMAS, the beloved A CHRISTMAS STORY, and the first two PORKY’S films, as well as even more diverse entries like MURDER BY DECREE, TRIBUTE, RHINESTONE, TURK 182!, LOOSE CANNONS, and BABY GENIUSES.

His entry in “Take One’s Essential Guide to Canadian Film” from 2001 : “Clark turned down bids to play pro football to complete a drama major at the University of Miami. With the success of his low-budget horror classic CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS, Clark moved to Montreal in 1973 and came to dominate Canadian commercial filmmaking for a decade. He followed CHILDREN with BLACK CHRISTMAS, a box-office hit starring Margot Kidder, and then, from 1978 to 1981, he directed MURDER BY DECREE, TRIBUTE, and PORKY’S – three of the most successful films produced in the tax-shelter era. Sad to say, the sophomoric PORKY’S remains the Canadian box-office champ. Clark returned to the United States in 1984; his career, like his locale, has gone south since.”

I read that Clark gathered the material for PORKY’S over a 15-year period, combining stories from other males of his generation with his own experiences. Every Hollywood studio passed on PORKY’S and it was produced by the Canadian company Astral Bellevue Pathe and Melvin Simon Productions (Mr. Simon, who died in 2009 at the age of 82, developed Mall of America, co-owned the Indiana Pacers along with his brother Herbert, and produced films including PORKY’S, THE STUNT MAN, and ZORRO, THE GAY BLADE), but 20th Century Fox picked up the U.S. distribution and a slick marketing campaign, combined with strong word-of-mouth, produced a monster hit on a $4 million budget.

Clark passionately defended the film amid the constant cries of misogyny and racism.

Those critics are missing that Wendy, played by Kaki Hunter, is often the sunniest presence and that Clark set his film in the Deep South in 1954. One character does overcome his initial anti-Semitism and becomes friends with a Jewish classmate.

THE NEXT DAY seems to address both criticisms, though, with one thoughtful dialogue scene between Wendy and main horn ball Pee-Wee (Monahan) and then adds a fanatical reverend, hypocritical politicians, a Native American, and the Ku Klux Klan to the mix. All the latter material simply does not mesh with the juvenile sex comedy.

Clark did not return to direct REVENGE and director James Komack and screenwriter Ziggy Steinberg wanted the third installment to return to the pure sex farce of the first movie. All the actors simply look too long in the tooth to be partaking in such adolescent shenanigans. I mean, for crying out loud, Colomby was nearly in his mid-30s by the point they made this third PORKY’S film; he graduated from Beverly Hills High School in 1970. Bottom line: I laughed not a single time at PORKY’S REVENGE, maybe once at NEXT DAY.

PORKY’S II: THE NEXT DAY (1983) One star; PORKY’S REVENGE! (1985) No stars

Hanover Street (1979)

HANOVER STREET (1979) One star

In a review of the Michael Bay cinematic bomb PEARL HARBOR, “one of the most insulting, most cloying excuses for mass entertainment ever made” I called that one, I mentioned HANOVER STREET and called it both possibly Harrison Ford’s worst movie and a weeper from Hell.

HANOVER STREET establishes a basic plot scenario that worked much better in films contemporaneous with World War II, films like WATERLOO BRIDGE, CASABLANCA, THE CLOCK, and BRIEF ENCOUNTER. Outside that immediate context, though, a film had better be very good because otherwise it will not get away with a period romance. In fact, played badly, we just might laugh it right off the screen. That’s what I did, for example, to survive PEARL HARBOR.

We have all seen HANOVER STREET many times before, even before seeing the film for the first time. Peter Hyams both directed and wrote HANOVER STREET, so he definitely has nobody but himself to blame for such ridiculous tripe.

David (Ford), American pilot.

Margaret (Lesley-Anne Down), English nurse.

She’s married.

He’s not.

Instant love / lust.

They start a love affair in the midst of a London blown up real good.

She keeps her husband a secret from her new lover.

He’s assigned to escort a British secret agent into France.

They’re shot down behind enemy lines.

David discovers that secret agent, you guessed it, is Margaret’s husband, Paul (Christopher Plummer).

David and Paul must work together to survive.

Enough is enough, because I think anybody with an IQ of at least 100 can finish the rest of the synopsis of HANOVER STREET.

With the staggering success of both ROCKY and STAR WARS in back-to-back years (1976 and 1977), both good old-fashioned popular entertainments, Hollywood began churning out light, feel good, escapist pictures by the dozens. It especially became even more pronounced in 1979 (and beyond), since 1978 releases GREASE, HEAVEN CAN WAIT, and SUPERMAN proved to be major hits in the ROCKY and STAR WARS mold.

Just take a look at the poster for HANOVER STREET.

The words at the top: LOVE HASN’T BEEN LIKE THIS SINCE 1943.

Below that an illustration of Harrison Ford and Lesley-Anne Down looking each other passionately in the eyes, foreshadowing or merely shadowing a key scene in the movie.

More text (hype): “It was a time of courage and honor – of passion and sacrifice. This is the story of two people swept up in that time – who met – and fell in love.”

There’s also a map and two planes on the poster.

Ford worked so effectively as both Han Solo and Indiana Jones in eight films partly because he found a way to work in humor that counterbalanced all the cornball surrounding him. There’s also that priceless scene in THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK when Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) tells Han that she loves him and he merely says, “I know.”

In HANOVER STREET, Ford stumbles his way though dialogue like “Think of me when you drink tea,” “I love you enough to let you go, which is more than I’ve ever felt about anyone in my life,” and “You’ve got to go to him, and I’ve got to turn and walk away.” To be fair, everybody stumbles in HANOVER STREET and there’s no counterbalance to cornball.

Christopher Plummer legendarily disliked working on THE SOUND OF MUSIC (he called it “The Sound of Mucus”) and he said this about his co-star, “Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.” (Plummer and Andrews have remained friends.)

I just wonder what Plummer has to say about HANOVER STREET.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964) One star

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE. SCROOGE. A CHRISTMAS STORY. DIE HARD. CHRISTMAS VACATION. HOME ALONE.

There’s one movie title sure not to be heard in the discussion for “Best Christmas Movie”: SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS, which can be found instead on the IMDb’s Bottom 100. At last perusal, it’s No. 39 between STEEL (below) and THE EMOJI MOVIE (above).

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS and I go a long way back.

I first watched this 1964 low-budget production during my last year of college, checking it out from the Leonard H. Axe Library alongside Ingmar Bergman’s PERSONA and Lucio Fulci’s DON’T TORTURE A DUCKLING. I wrote a review long ago and I apparently buried it within a time capsule deep inside Middle Earth.

Over time, I have acquired three VHS copies and I’ve already broken it out this holiday season, just like the Chipmunks and Star Wars.

I first read about SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS in John Wilson’s “The Official Razzie Movie Guide,” which honors the so-called best of Hollywood’s worst. The book’s front cover includes a still of that infamous man-in-a-suit ape with his middle finger uplifted from the Korean KING KONG rip-off A*P*E.

I suppose that I’ll start with the plot.

The children of Mars are not happy. Be warned that you could end up just like the children of Mars as you watch SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS.

The Martians all have dopey names: Kimar, Voldar, Dropo, Bomar, Girmar, Momar, and Rigna. Dropo is the laziest man on Mars and Voldar is the vulgar voice of doomy discontent in this cinematic confection. He’s an unrepentant Grinch, a real Scrooge, equipped with a ridiculous looking contraption on top of his head, just like all his fellow Martians. Voldar believes the Martians have gone soft. Mars was, you know, the god of war.

Fearless leader Rigna says to Voldar, “Chochem is 800 years old, you can’t dismiss the wisdom of centuries.”

Voldar mouths back, “I can.”

Chochem tells the Martian leaders the children are sullen and have trouble sleeping because there’s no joy on Mars. Martian children have become obsessed with TV, not unlike children from the Planet Earth, and they especially love this holly jolly Santa Claus fellow they see all the darn time on KID-TV. You can talk about evil liberal media bias and fake news all you want: Reporter Andy Henderson interviews Santa Claus, despite the fact that it’s 91-below zero up on the North Pole.

The Martians decide they must have this Santa Claus, who brings joy everywhere he goes, and come to Earth, but they run into a roadblock when they see a Santa Claus on virtually every street corner.

The Martians find Earth children Billy and Betty Foster and kidnap them, who lead the space invaders to Santa Claus.

Santa Claus eventually wins over the Martians, and that’s what they mean by the conquer part of the title rather than Santa Claus building an army to defeat the Martians in battle.

All’s well that ends well on both Mars and Earth, as well as KID-TV.

Pia Zadora made her screen debut as Girmar, one of the two main Martian children.

Vincent Beck’s IMDb biography starts, “Tall, deep-voiced character actor who started on screen in the lamentable SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS [as Voldar], which may have taken him some time to live down.” Beck, who passed away in 1984, made appearances on several famous sitcoms from the 1960s and 1970s: “Gilligan’s Island,” “Gunsmoke,” “Bonanza,” “The Monkees,” and “Mannix.”

Kentucky native Bill McCutcheon (1924-2002) did not let playing Dropo, the laziest man on Mars, stop him from roles in HOT STUFF and STEEL MAGNOLIAS.

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS includes the infamous song “Hooray for Santa Claus,” which has been covered by Sloppy Seconds and the Fleshtones. I would not be surprised if one day we find out that “Hooray for Santa Claus” was used at Guantanamo Bay.

Playing with Fire (2019)

PLAYING WITH FIRE (2019) One star

Imagine our surprise when the opening credits began at the Flick Theatre in Anderson, Missouri, and it was PLAYING WITH FIRE and not JOKER that we had for our entertainment or, in this case, lack of entertainment pleasure.

I would like to start the long road to recovery by writing this review.

PLAYING WITH FIRE belongs to a rather dubious sub-genre where passable, let alone good, movies are nearly impossible to find: The Big Man vs. Bratty Children. Let’s see, in the past 25-odd years, we have seen Hulk Hogan in MR. NANNY, Vin Diesel in THE PACIFIER, Ice Cube in ARE WE THERE YET?, Dwayne Johnson in TOOTH FAIRY, and now the latest perpetrator John Cena in PLAYING WITH FIRE.

I doubt any of those movies even approach Arnold Schwarzenegger’s KINDERGARTEN COP, the CITIZEN KANE of The Big Man vs. Bratty Children sub-genre.

I say doubt in the previous sentence since luckily, I’ve missed most of those movies because life is short and I only have a finite amount of time watching movies, so why put myself through something that’s akin to a root canal without sedative.

Personally, I feel like every one of those movies barring one (the one starring Arnold) should be shortened to a poster, because everything we need to know about MR. NANNY, THE PACIFIER, ARE WE THERE YET?, TOOTH FAIRY, and PLAYING WITH FIRE can be contained in a 24 x 36.

Hell, I recommend watching KINDERGARTEN COP again every single time a new Big Man vs. Bratty Children movie slithers into multiplexes everywhere.

There’s not a single unpredictable moment in PLAYING WITH FIRE.

I must in all honesty report that I almost, almost, laughed out loud a couple times during PLAYING WITH FIRE. I smiled a couple times.

More often than not, however, the 96 minutes of PLAYING WITH FIRE afforded me the opportunity to practice my poker face or hone my groan.

The last firefighter movie we saw at the Flick was ONLY THE BRAVE and now we have one good firefighter movie and one bad firefighter movie on the dossier. I do wish the nearest fire department would have stopped in and put out PLAYING WITH FIRE.

PLAYING WITH FIRE should not be confused with the 1984 New World production THEY’RE PLAYING WITH FIRE … just as John Cena and his bust should not be confused with Sybil Danning and her bust.

Youngsters might not remember Ms. Danning. She and Lou Ferrigno clashed while making HERCULES and Ferrigno legendarily made Danning wear a cloak so she would not upstage the bodybuilder turned actor. The nerve of that big lug, who demanded that Danning be changed from the good princess to the villain and the picture be made kid-friendly because Ferrigno did not want to disappoint any fans he earned from “The Incredible Hulk.”

A strong female presence like Ms. Danning would have been welcomed in PLAYING WITH FIRE.

Instead, they just waste Judy Greer. Greer and Cena share no chemistry whatsoever.

That is true and here’s another truth: If you play with fire and watch PLAYING WITH FIRE, you will get burned.

B.I.G. (Bert I. Gordon) Double Feature: The Food of the Gods (1976) & Empire of the Ants (1977)

B.I.G. (BERT I. GORDON) DOUBLE FEATURE: THE FOOD OF THE GODS (1976) & EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (1977)

Killer giant rat films (giant killer rat films) do not populate the landscape as much as bad romantic comedies, bad teenage sex comedies, et cetera, do. They only come along every few years and it’s amazing we’ve not seen more in the aftermath of hipster environmentalism.

THE FOOD OF THE GODS is a bad film. A really, really, really bad film. Not a “so bad it’s good” film, just a plain bad film of epic proportions. There’s absolutely no suspense and there’s no entertainment from watching this incompetent film directed by one Bert I. Gordon, main creative force of the companion piece EMPIRE OF THE ANTS, yet another bio-kill film loosely based on a classic H.G. Wells novel. EMPIRE OF THE ANTS stars Joan Collins. Imagine the possibilities of a horror film where characters battle Joan Collins’ ego.

Bio-kill films came out seemingly by the hundreds after JAWS. We had mutant frogs, worms, ants, wasps, and killer bees. The animal kingdom — led by insects — will make us human scum pay for our transgressions against the ecosystem. See, we’ve screwed around with Mother Nature long enough and now Mother Nature will screw us.

Fond memories of THE KILLER SHREWS (1959) came back during THE FOOD OF THE GODS. Yes, the vicious killer rats in THE FOOD OF THE GODS look a whole helluva lot batter than whatever passed for imitation vicious killer rats in THE KILLER SHREWS (coon dogs, I do believe) yet that’s missing the point completely. THE KILLER SHREWS proves a campy good time and THE FOOD OF THE GODS feels more like a soulless mechanical assembly line production.

For example, there’s no mad scientist talk in THE FOOD OF THE GODS. Baruch Lumet and Gordon McClendon provided that during THE KILLER SHREWS and it reminded me of classic 1930s horror films like BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN and THE DEVIL-DOLL.

Ralph Meeker shows up in THE FOOD OF THE GODS as a mad capitalist named Bensington and mad capitalists are bad substitutes for mad scientists. There’s precious little energy and precious little joy in THE FOOD OF THE GODS. Had the Skinners’ animals been fed the script, we’d have never had THE FOOD OF THE GODS because a single morsel of the script would have poisoned every farm animal on the prerequisite remote island. They’d especially gag on the line Pamela Franklin throws Marjoe Gortner’s character about she’d like to make love to him, a crazy notion since they’re surrounded by giant killer rats. Coitus interruptus by rattus enormous!

Meeker and Ida Lupino are devoured by these giant killer rats. Not sure this is what they mean by paying one’s dues in the earlier stages of a career so one can later be devoured in a bad, bad, bad film.

Meeker (1920-88) had major roles in THE NAKED SPUR, KISS ME DEADLY, and PATHS OF GLORY, three brilliant films made in the 1950s.

Lupino, who appeared in the awful THE DEVIL’S RAIN just before THE FOOD OF THE GODS, directed eight films (including THE HITCH-HIKER) and seven of them from 1949 through 1953. She was ahead of her time.

Lupino and Meeker join icons like Ray Milland (killed in FROGS) and Kevin McCarthy and Keenan Wynn (killed in PIRANHA), for example.

Belinda Balaski survived THE FOOD OF THE GODS, but she did not PIRANHA and THE HOWLING, for those keeping score at home.

Notice how I did not yet mention the plot of THE FOOD OF THE GODS. That’s because the plot construction will immediately remind movie veterans of THE KILLER SHREWS, THE BIRDS, and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, all three better films with better plots.

The giant rats are not bad special effects, but they’re not the least bit scary. Winston Smith loved himself some rats in 1984 and we fill in the scenes with our imaginations rather than seeing Orwell’s illustrations of rats on the written page.

That said, there’s some really, really, really bad special effect sequences in THE FOOD OF THE GODS, as the gigantic killer wasps are every bit as scary as the killer bees in THE SWARM and the killer flies in AMITYVILLE 3-D. There’s some mutant chickens who provide us bad laughs.

Some day we’ll see a film with giant mutant killer film critics. We’ll be headed first after M. Night Shyamalan, as revenge for enduring his LADY IN THE WATER and his other bad, bad, bad movies.

The first sensible question posed by any reader might be, “Why do you review so many old movies?” A sensible question deserves a sensible answer.

Just because they are “old” plays, do we give up serious discussion of Shakespeare, for example? Do intellectuals give up on Marx and Socrates and Plato and the like just because they never had a Facebook account let alone have a place on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

So “old” movies have a lot of catching up to do to other mediums.

Just a year after THE FOOD OF THE GODS, Mr. B.I.G. himself, Bert I. Gordon, came back with THE EMPIRE OF THE ANTS, another bio-kill movie loosely based on H.G. Wells.

EMPIRE OF THE ANTS opens with a ponderous voice-over narration that’s written like a combination of Rodney Dangerfield, Rickey Henderson, and Adolf Hitler. Our narration, obviously under ant control, lays it down that ants get no respect and it’s about time we stupid humans admit our genetic inferiority in the face of the superior ant race. It’s about time we stupid humans serve the superior ant race and we best “Treat it with respect” or there will be ecological hell to pay for us stupid, egotistical humans.

Once again, a post-JAWS horror film gives us an evil real estate developer. If there’s one horror film with an evil real estate developer, there are at least a hundred. However, evil real estate developers rarely take the shapely (and developed) form of Joan Collins. Of course, she’s a real mean bitch — potential audition tape for both THE BITCH and “Dynasty” — and she’s obsessed with the Bottom Line like all business people in bio-kill movies. Unfortunately, for us and coincidentally for her, the sight of her perfectly coiffed hair strikes more fear in the heart of the audience than the ants.

These are not the average garden variety ants. They are the brand of ant who had the great misfortune of being in a killer ant picture 23 years after the 1954 science fiction classic THEM! We do see a classic movie formula in action in EMPIRE OF THE ANTS: Barrels Labelled Danger: Radioactive Waste + Evil Real Estate Person = Giant Killer Ants. Extremely slow moving giant killer ants who laboriously pick off their victims as if the exposition scenes are not already bad enough.

Back to Joan Collins. Disaster movies of the era recruited fading stars for their casts. It must be some measure of the intrinsic artistic value of EMPIRE OF THE ANTS that it wound up with Joan Collins as its marquee attraction. For crying out loud, even FOOD OF THE GODS included Ralph Meeker and Ida Lupino.

A film like EMPIRE OF THE ANTS entertains idle thoughts. Lots and lots and lots of idle thoughts.

I started taking incriminating notes on the guilty parties of the opening credits and I came across this familiar name (and bod): Pamela Shoop. My internal movie database flashed back on a Pamela Susan Shoop from HALLOWEEN II (1981) and after some intense cross-referencing, it turned out this would be the same actress. She fared better as Pamela Shoop because the addition of Susan earned her a sweet nude scene before decapitation by Michael Myers. In EMPIRE OF THE ANTS, Shoop lives through a slime ball creep’s failed seduction and survives her attack by phony looking giant killer ants. Don’t forget radioactive.

After the basic expository set-up, the ants finally attack and establish a basic scene pattern, which I have reduced to (not in this exact order) BLOOD and SCREAMS and RUNNING and BLOOD and RUNNING and SCREAMS and PADDLING and SCREAMS and PADDLING and PADDLING and BLOOD and SCREAMS. I may have forgotten an extra RUNNING.

We get extra special treats like repeat ant’s eye view shots as they zero in on stock monster movie characters. Victims who just stand there and watch and scream. A victim who falls over what appears to be a single branch and just waits for her death. Of course, nobody brought any weapons to a picnic and outing sponsored by a friendly local evil real estate developer. There’s no guns, no knives, no machine guns, and, most importantly, no flamethrowers ‘cause, guess what, these ants hate fire. Of course.

Just imagine Devo in EMPIRE OF THE ANTS, in their radioactive suits and flower pot hats, killing ants by electric guitar and dangerous synthesizer grooves like the one that later powered “Whip It.” Devo could have even given us a classic theme song like the Five Blobs did for THE BLOB almost 20 years before.

Devo adapted their classic “Jocko Homo” and its “Are we not men? We are Devo” chant from a classic H.G. Wells novel. American International, producer Samuel Z. Arkoff, and Gordon also raided the Wells source material for two films. Wells may have predicted a time machine and cloning Marlon Brando in miniature form yet even his visionary mind never foreseen Joan Collins. Regardless, Wells should have written FOOD OF THE GODS and EMPIRE OF THE ANTS under another name.

THE FOOD OF THE GODS (1976) One star; EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (1977) One star

Children of the Corn (1984)

CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984) One star

CHILDREN OF THE CORN is yet another textbook example of a film that cannot be taken seriously although it would love to be considered a serious film. We know that ‘cause we read an opening title like STEPHEN KING’S CHILDREN OF THE CORN, bashing us over the head this film wants to be a major event in our lives rather than a borderline incoherent, rambling supernatural thriller with pseudo-religious hogwash and brutal thriller machinations as its main selling points.

I will be the first to admit my ambivalence toward Stephen King, as well as Tom Clancy, John Grisham, Laurel Hamilton, Dean Koontz, and every other author who seems to have built-in access to a guaranteed mass audience every single time they publish even their napkins. Kmart, Walmart, and your friendly local supermarket determine the ultimate literary value of a select few writers and the rest of us hacks wallow in anonymity and simmering jealousy.

Fortunately, and unfortunately, I am well-versed in Stephen King film adaptations, probably just as much as you are at home. For every successful adaptation, like STAND BY ME and THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, there’s absolute doggerel like CUJO, MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE, and DREAMCATCHER that rate among the most torturous movie experiences. In fact, I’d rate DREAMCATCHER high up among my top five worst movie theater experiences. One day, I’ll have to sit down and concentrate on that list.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN rates as bad King film adaptation. The rabid cult following may disagree but they’re not writing this review.

First and foremost, this is another King adaptation with religious poppycock galore. I traditionally despise religious fanaticism in the movies ‘cause it’s used by filmmakers as a cheap exploitation tactic. I hated, hated, hated this approach in films like AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION, CARRIE, and THE OMEN. Are we supposed to cheaply laugh at somebody’s faith ‘cause they’re overzealous suckers and we’re in on the know and the joke they’re suckers?

How are we supposed to react to the evil corn, the pontification, and the music recycled from THE OMEN every time our filmmakers — led by director Fritz Kiersch — want us to pay attention. I have what’s called “bad laughs” and lots of them over the running time of CHILDREN OF THE CORN.

There’s a gruesome opening scene: The kids of Gatlin, Nebraska (introductory title: “GATLIN, NEBRASKA — THREE YEARS AGO”), kill their fathers and mothers and grandfathers and grandmothers and “The Blue Man.” See, a couple shady little individuals calling themselves Isaac and Malachi are instructed by “He Who Walks Behind the Rows.”

At this point, we should make a crucial distinction that just might save your life or at least guide you toward a better movie rental: In Nebraska, corn fields command kids to kill all the adults and make them sacrificial fodder. Meanwhile, in Iowa, corn fields instruct farmers to build a baseball diamond and they will come, well, except for Ty Cobb.

Anyhoo, Isaac (John Franklin) establishes a tyrannical regime of kids opposed to “sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll.” He’s a babbling pseudo-religious visionary with bad make-up. I laughed at Isaac’s pontification more than I have at some comedians over an entire career, because Isaac is a power-hungry miniature twit.

Malachi is the brute enforcer, a red-headed Jason Voorhees minus the hockey mask. He’s played by Courtney Gains, one of the best faces of 1980s movies. Sure we all remember Courtney Gains. George Constanza remembers him as the evil video store clerk in a “Seinfeld” episode. Gains appeared in BACK TO THE FUTURE, THE ‘BURBS, CAN’T BUY ME LOVE, and SECRET ADMIRER. For example, he tried cutting in on George McFly with Lorraine Baines at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance in good ole 1955. I’d rather talk more about Courtney Gains and his career than go back to reviewing CHILDREN OF THE CORN.

Where was I again? Who am I?

Anyway, Peter Horton and Linda Hamilton play our resident clean-cut wholesome All-American couple taking a trip inside a clean-cut wholesome All-American nightmare only found within a bad horror movie. These young lovers violate the Number One rule of interstate travel: ALWAYS STAY ON THE HIGHWAY. It’s almost like they never watched THE HILLS HAVE EYES.

This is yet another one of those “Of course” movies, because we say of course, they find a run down gas station with no telephone. Of course, the gas station owner’s a diabolical, shady old man in cahoots with the evil kiddos. Of course, the husband Burt (Horton) sees and hears something OVER THERE, always OVER THERE, and checks it out while the wife Vicky (Hamilton) wants to leave. Of course, they never do leave (until the end of the movie) and must fight through a living Hell to survive.

Next time, however, I suggest they drive through Iowa and find the Buddy Holly Crash Site near Clear Lake. It’s a long walk to the shrine of Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper, but a must if you love rock ‘n’ roll.

Back to the old man who’s the gas station attendant. He’s played by R.G. Armstrong in not one of his finest screen moments. Armstrong plays the role of a character whose function is that of the corpse in a self-contained murder sequence in a horror film, where it takes untold minutes to reach a destination we already predetermined in our heads after having watched countless self-contained murder sequences in horror films. Armstrong (1917-2012) must have rapidly slipped in his old age, considering that he survived THE BEAST WITHIN just a couple years before.

There’s also a little girl named Sarah, another pint-sized visionary. Her endearing and redeeming character trait is that she draws pictures of everything. Of course, Malachi wants to curb her artistic inclinations and of course, Isaac defends her visionary gifts, conflict among the ranks of the evil kiddos that only escalates during CHILDREN OF THE CORN.

I’d rather have looked at an exhibit of Sarah’s illustrations than watch CHILDREN OF THE CORN.

That’s because CHILDREN OF THE CORN bludgeons us with every cheap shock tactic of the bad horror movie.

There’s a lot of thunder and lightning, fire and brimstone, and loud music. And there are way too many scenes built on tight framing so we’re supposed to be scared on cue by an unexpected object jumping into the frame. The scariest accomplishment, however, of CHILDREN OF THE CORN is that it developed a cult following.

Howard the Duck (1986)

HOWARD THE DUCK (1986) One star

KODE-TV in Joplin once aired movies on Saturday nights and I recall watching THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, THE BREAKFAST CLUB, WOLFEN, and HOWARD THE DUCK in my impetuous youth.

Sometimes movies that we liked during our childhood and teenage years do not hold up during later viewings. Unfortunately, I do not remember how I reacted to HOWARD THE DUCK upon first viewing it some 30 years ago.

I do know that I caught up with HOWARD THE DUCK in 2009, though, wrote a negative review centered around the question “What were they thinking?” when Universal Pictures made HOWARD THE DUCK, and listed it as one of the worst movies of the 1980s, right down there with such “classics” as LEONARD PART 6 and THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS.

That’s when I first encountered online defenders of bad movies. They’re vehement, and will leave you digital pleasantries like, for example, “Opinions are like assholes. …” Genius, pure genius, never heard that one before, Internet tough guy. I mean, how dare somebody think both HOWARD THE DUCK and LEONARD PART 6 stink it up. HOWARD THE DUCK and LEONARD PART 6 are both not so bad they’re good, they’re both so bad that they’re really really really bad. Every once in a great while, I dust them off just to remember what a bad movie plays like.

HOWARD THE DUCK is one of the great cinematic follies of all-time.

It wanted dearly to be like GHOSTBUSTERS, a combination of dazzling special effects and wisecracking comedy.

It fails in both departments and it starts with that live action duck, the biggest special effect mistake and comedic failure.

Howard’s a creepy little duck, a rather fowl protagonist despite the fact that director Willard Huyck (Huyck rhyme with duck?) and producer Gloria Katz toned him down and tried making him a nicer duck from his comic book origins.

It does not help the character that the film trots out every duck pun for 111 minutes, a running time a few minutes longer than GHOSTBUSTERS. Every single character must get at least one and I got tired of all the puns by the 5-minute mark.

Eight actors are credited as having some role in playing Howard the Duck: Ed Gale, Chip Zien, Tim Rose, Steve Sleap, Peter Baird, Mary Wells, Lisa Sturz, and Jordan Prentice. Six of the actors and actresses inside the duck suit (at different times) won the Razzie for Worst Performance in a Motion Picture. This is almost as impressive as the fact Harvey Stephens began his career as the Antichrist in THE OMEN. Where does one go from the Antichrist and where does one go from Howard the Duck? These are tough questions, and I have some more.

Do those actors and actresses put Howard the Duck on their resume? Or brag down at the pub “Oh yeah, man, you better not fuck with Howard the Duck” and “I played a talking duck from another planet in the movies. How about you, asshole, what the fuck have you done that’s so great?” Have any of these actors exploited their playing Howard the Duck to pick up women? Stranger lines have been spouted.

Howard’s not a funny duck and he must try a thousand jokes. He’s a lame duck, instead, that wishes he could have been the Groucho Marx or Bill Murray of ducks.

The last 40-45 minutes surrender to chase scenes and special effect showcases with lame duck pun interludes, then we’re treated to a thrilling grand finale of the “Howard the Duck” song, written by Thomas “She Blinded Me with Science” Dolby and George “Atomic Dog” Clinton.

The last 40-45 minutes feel like they run on as long as BEN-HUR and GONE WITH THE WIND combined.

Every time I see Lea Thompson, it brings me back to the strange trajectory of her early screen career: attacked by shark in JAWS 3-D, a creepy love affair with a married police officer who should have arrested himself for sex crimes in THE WILD LIFE, and unknowingly lusting after her own future son in BACK TO THE FUTURE. In HOWARD THE DUCK, the fetching Thompson smooches Howard all while she’s in her skimpies. It’s bad enough that her hairdo attacked the ozone layer, but she has to go the extra mile in HOWARD THE DUCK.

(We believe that Thompson’s hairdo in HOWARD THE DUCK contributed to the Montreal Protocol on Substances that Deplete the Ozone Layer that became effective in August 1989.)

Every time I watch HOWARD THE DUCK, I marvel at the fact that Tim Robbins somehow survived his performance and managed to sustain a career in such high-quality films as BULL DURHAM, JACOB’S LADDER, and THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. His performance in HOWARD THE DUCK ranks among the most annoying supporting performances in history. Believe it or not, this was his fifth credited screen performance … and we have one more believe it or not.

HOWARD THE DUCK is the first feature-length Marvel Comics adaptation. When will Disney take a crack at remaking this remedial GHOSTBUSTERS?

Humanoids from the Deep (1980)

HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1980) One star
Exploitation film legend Roger Corman loved ripping off / paying homage to JAWS, first with PIRANHA then a couple years later with HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP. The great white shark in JAWS and the piranhas did not prey almost exclusively on busty supporting players and extras so this was cinematic evolution at work here.

Yes, these humanoids are horny bastards: They should meet up with the horny aliens from the SPECIES films and we’d have ourselves a party. The humanoids resemble Swamp Thing, only uglier and with no poignant qualities. Do you want a Humanoid from the Deep this Valentine’s Day? They do not take a subtle approach to scoring with the ladies. These humanoids score with busty young women by raping them and leaving almost nothing but a mess behind. Legend has it that Uncle Roger went back in after the director turned in a final cut and shot additional scenes focused on sex and gore. This sounds like CALIGULA or any of the more repugnant Corman productions.

Uncle Roger shows his JAWS hand early on during HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP: There’s a child eaten and an explosion in the first 10 minutes of the film, elements of scenes from JAWS and JAWS 2, respectively. Yes, it’s that kind of movie.

In certain sequences, there are jump scares every few moments, soundtracked by gasps, phone calls, and jarring musical score and then we’re brutalized with a “real” scare every so often. These scare tactics backfire miserably.

We have good old Doug McClure as our reluctant proletariat hero, strong working class family man. Just a couple weeks before watching HUMANOIDS I saw McClure survive AT THE EARTH’S CORE. In that classic, he played a fellow named David and Peter Cushing played Doc as we’ll never forget in scene after scene where characters say David and Doc and Doc and David and Doc and David. Here McClure’s Jim and the HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP characters do not share the same romance with “Jim.”

A Native American named Johnny Eagle (who would have been played by Will Sampson if the film had a larger budget) opposes the evil shenanigans of a venal capitalist played by Vic Morrow, who’s seeking a cannery deal for the people of Noyo, yes, Noyo. Eagle sounds forewarnings of portentous doom so naturally he’s set up to be a villain and later turns out to be a hero. Oh, sweet irony!

I mean, just once I’d love to see a film with the Native American as the venal capitalist and the white man as the conscientious environmentalist hero. Anyway, Eagle finds a fight without looking too hard and his presence at the Noyo Salmon Festival spawns a horrible fight scene, indicative of white pattern Native American bashing. Luckily, for all of us, a tear did not stain Johnny Eagle’s face.

Of course, Noyo holds a big carnival for its annual Salmon Festival. Nothing and I mean nothing will stop these Noyo yo-yo’s from holding their carnival, not even mutant killer fish slash humans. So, naturally, our Humanoids from the Deep play the role of the spoiler.

For some bizarre reason, this overdrawn attack-massacre sequence brought out fond memories flashing back on a similar overdrawn sequence in GIANT SPIDER INVASION. A lot of humanoids are killed good, a lot of bit players are taken a bite out of by humanoids, and it’s all broadcast over live radio by a disc jockey calling himself “Madman” although he’s not played by real-life DJ Don Steele, who showed up in both DEATH RACE 2000 and ROCK ’N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, as well as GRAND THEFT AUTO.

None of these scenes are remotely entertaining or interesting and that basically describes HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP.

Been there, seen that, and please roll the final credits.

Black Belt Jones (1974)

BLACK BELT JONES (1974) One star
Jim Kelly (he of the “unorthodox” martial arts style in ENTER THE DRAGON) and Gloria Hendry (she played a role in LIVE AND LET DIE) are the stars of BLACK BELT JONES, a blaxploitation karate film half-ENTER THE DRAGON and half-SHAFT.

Their best scene involves a half-seduction, half-fight on a beach, replete with one liners, back flips, and explicit musical score, as well as one bystander’s acoustic guitar smashed and busted balloons. Finally, we have a continuation of this scene with first Kelly and Hendry in tight embrace and then holding hands on the beach until we get a morning after scene before we’re ready for the film’s heaviest action.

I did not believe a second of BLACK BELT JONES. I believed more in ENTER THE DRAGON and DRUNKEN MASTER, even if just for the length of the movie. The plot of BLACK BELT JONES defines standard issue yet its details are disgustingly inappropriate.

Sometimes the punches and kicks appear not to have actually hit their mark. Sometimes the villains are outrageously incompetent. We get a lot of those high flying slow motion sequences with deafening sound and vocal effects like grunts and groans and taped ping pong paddles struck against Naugahyde sofas. Any time any character raises their fists and feet during this film they make loud noises. This movie should have been called ATTACK OF THE SOUND EFFECTS. Granted, I realize that this complaint likely could apply to virtually every “old school” martial arts film, but I only make this complaint because BLACK BELT JONES fails on so many levels.

You should observe Scatman Crothers’ death scene. Yes, Scatman Crothers, a great character actor like Slim Pickens and Bradford Dillman. Ah, Scatman Crothers, a nice black man with a great big smile. You may remember him from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST, THE SHINING (axed by Jack Torrance), and TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE. I’m trying to forget he was in ZAPPED!

In this film, Scatman plays a property owner whose property lies on the mother lode of a great big real estate development project. He’s the last property owner denying progress — here it’s a karate school rather than roller boogie rink (ROLLER BOOGIE) or barbershop (WHO’S THE MAN?).

Anyway, local heavies lean heavily on Scatman’s character, Wesley “Papa” Byrd, and he dies from the weakest punch in history. Not just cinematic history, but the history of history. To honor this man, the coroner listed cause of death as heart attack rather than “weakest punch in history.”

Back to the real plot of BLACK BELT JONES.

There’s one (several, I get confused) of those patented karate movie moments where a hero’s slow motion kick dispatches a goon through a distant plate glass window garnering the goon some frequent flier miles.

There’s a lot of windows broken during BLACK BELT JONES, by the way.

Just once I’d love a hero to remain in slow motion while a goon stays in normal speed and moves out of the path of destruction so the hero flies straight out the damn window, still in slow motion of course.

In the second paragraph, we mentioned the film’s heaviest action. Here it is: an obligatory car chase, some gun shots, and the great big final karate showdown involving lots and lots and lots of bubbles (it’s a long story) with no showerhead and rubber ducky in sight. This is obviously the cleanest fight scene in film history.

After the sordid content that came before in BLACK BELT JONES, I can understand the urge to come out clean.

Jaws III (1983)

JAWS III (1983) One star
In the movies, three is most often not a magic number.

In the movies, three is most often not a magic number.

Were the second and third entries less interesting than the first?

Of course, they were and that principle applies to sequels like, for example, JAWS III, a long, long way down from the original JAWS directed by Steven Spielberg.

JAWS: THE REVENGE pretended JAWS III — originally titled JAWS 3-D — never happened and that’s something I would like to do with both movies.

Nah, I take it back, because I enjoy both movies for their epic badness. I’ve watched both whenever I’ve had the chance and I hope that I will always be able to marvel once again at their incredible ineptitude.

In the business, they have what’s known as the Idiot Plot or that’s when everything would be figured out much sooner if the characters were not complete idiots.

In JAWS III, it takes our protagonists incredibly long to figure out that our Great White Mother’s inside the park.

I chortle when female protagonist Kathryn Morgan (Bess Armstrong) says the following dialogue, “Overman was killed inside the park. The baby was caught inside the park. Its mother is inside the park.”

This dramatic moment instead plays comedic.

Honestly, though, I live for that moment partially because earlier Morgan explains the bite radius, a plot detail essential to any JAWS film. Right, JAWS: THE REVENGE?

There’s a couple more favorite moments in JAWS III that I will try and get through sooner or later within this review.

Now, however, I’ll go through some of the problems with JAWS III one-by-one. We already hit the Idiot Plot, the film’s biggest problem.

— Weak characters: The original JAWS featured three great characters in Sheriff Brody (Roy Scheider), Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss), and Quint (Robert Shaw). Brody returned in JAWS 2 — Universal had Scheider by the balls and made him do JAWS 2 — and there’s not a single great character in JAWS III or JAWS: THE REVENGE. Not a one.

— Weak shark: In JAWS 2, the shark stood out more than any human character, including Sheriff Brody and Mayor Larry Vaughn. Especially them darn insipid teenagers. Not in JAWS III. The Great White Mother in JAWS III does not approach the ridiculousness of the fourth JAWS entree, but a plot that has a mother shark taking revenge for her son, why that’s just preposterous and plain out-of-character for a shark. I might owe ORCA THE KILLER WHALE (1977) an apology.

— Weak big moment: Let’s briefly set this one up. It’s late in the movie and Morgan and her love interest Mike Brody (Dennis Quaid), park manager Calvin Bouchard (Louis Gossett, Jr.), and two park technicians are inside the control room. Of course, here comes the Great White Mother and it’s obviously going to crash through the glass in full-on 3D glory. Here it comes … here it comes … here it comes … 2D anticlimax! I don’t know what else to say but this scene’s even more laughable than our great-shark-inside-the-park-revelation scene, especially with Morgan and Brody’s priceless slow-motion reactions leading up to the shark’s crash.

— Them damn dolphins: Yes, Cindy and Sandy, who are worse than our teeny boppers from JAWS 2, believe it or not. Granted, to their credit, Cindy and Sandy figure out the plot faster than anybody else in the movie. Cindy and Sandy (a.k.a. “The Shrieking Dolphins”) went up against some tough competition at the 1984 Razzies for Worst New Star — Finola Hughes in STAYING ALIVE, Reb Brown in YOR, THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE, Loni Anderson in STROKER ACE, and the grand prize winner Lou Ferrigno in HERCULES.

Okay, okay, that’s enough for now.

I’ll close on what I consider to be the great mystery from JAWS III.

Does anybody out there know what the following dialogue even means: “You tell Shelby Overman for me he can take a flyin’ leap in a rollin’ doughnut on a gravel driveway, you hear?”