The Villain (1979)

THE VILLAIN (1979) *

THE VILLAIN, a comic western directed by stunt man turned filmmaker Hal Needham (1931-2013), gives us a feature-length, live-action take on those classic “Road Runner” cartoons.

Please stick with them old “Road Runner” cartoons, because even the absolute worst one of those is still loads better than THE VILLAIN.

Please try and find “Adventures of the Road-Runner” from 1962, which accomplishes more in about one-fourth the overall running time as THE VILLAIN. Better songs, better stunts, better gags, better technical credits. “Adventures of the Road-Runner” alone outclasses THE VILLAIN during the scene a few minutes in when Wile E. Coyote analyzes his own failings as diabolical genius. In the next scene, two child viewers discuss the Coyote and the Road Runner as their adventures play out on TV; one child says, “Sometimes I feel very sorry for the Coyote. Sometimes, I wish he’d catch him.” The other counters, “If he caught him, there wouldn’t be any more Road Runner.” That’s smarter than anything found during THE VILLAIN.

Kirk Douglas (1916-2020) stars as Cactus Jack, who’s played as the human equivalent of Wile E. Coyote. I believe that he even reads from Coyote’s handbook for most of the picture. To see Douglas involved in a series of pitfalls and pratfalls for 90 minutes, it’s embarrassing for both him and for those of us who are not moved by this lower-than-lowbrow humor. For crying out loud, this man gave us SPARTACUS and CHAMPION and ACE IN THE HOLE and PATHS OF GLORY. At some point during THE VILLAIN, a first-time watch not long after Douglas’ passing in early 2020, I started thinking about those other Douglas films and performances. I am thinking now of his patented intensity and determination. I am thinking specifically of that scene in PATHS OF GLORY where his anger builds against General Broulard, “I apologize … for not being entirely honest with you. I apologize for not revealing my true feelings. I apologize, sir, for not telling you sooner that you’re a degenerate, sadistic old man. And you can go to hell before I apologize to you now or ever again!” Classic scene, classic Douglas moment.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Ann-Margret are supposed to represent the Road Runner, I suppose. Schwarzenegger plays (get this) Handsome Stranger and Ann-Margret’s Miss Charming Jones, though it should be Chesty Jones because that’s where the camera directs its attention right from her very first appearance. You’ll never believe this, but Chesty, er, Charming throws herself at her protector Handsome Stranger and he goes to fetch some more wood … or something … while Cactus Jack pursues the booty. What these characters have to say to each other, why it made me pine away for the sophisticated dialogue of the Road Runner.

Not sure who was responsible for Schwarzenegger’s costume as the Handsome Stranger — Bob Mackie and Derek Crane are named as costuming Ann-Margret and Douglas, respectively, while Betsy Heimann, Bud Clark, and Michael Castellano are just listed as mere costumers (without the mere, of course) — but the responsible individual should have been the one shot or been the target of a boulder. That powder blue get-up, it almost defies comprehension, and I believe Arnold fared better in HERCULES IN NEW YORK. I mean, at least there he played Hercules.

Now, we come to the portion of the program where I cover the absolute worst part of the movie: Paul Lynde (1926-82) dresses up as an Indian chief named (prepare yourself) Nervous Elk. Believe it or not, his jokes are even worse than his name and his costume. In this movie tribe’s chosen vernacular, I have found the perfect way to describe THE VILLAIN: dum-dum. Forgive me for leaving this review, but I have to check on myself after being drummed over the head with dum-dum for nearly 90 minutes by THE VILLAIN.