The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977) Three-and-a-half stars

This is the best of the James Bond films starring Roger Moore (1927-2017) and the one that ranks with the Best of the Bonds like FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, GOLDFINGER, ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE, TOMORROW NEVER DIES, and SKYFALL.

I believe it’s no small coincidence that after our small Kansas town of Arcadia finally picked up cable TV, I became hooked on watching James Bond films on TBS. It also helped that I hit puberty during this Bond discovery. Bond just fits perfectly with an adolescent mindset.

Moore had the unenviable task of replacing Sean Connery as Bond. Connery established Bond in the hearts and minds of the public after playing the character in DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, GOLDFINGER, THUNDERBALL, YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE, and then DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER after the George Lazenby Bond Experiment proved disastrous. (I’ll argue that ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE is one of the two or three best James Bond pictures.)

Connery’s first three Bond pictures especially worked as legitimate thrillers. He brought a conviction and toughness to the character that Moore generally lacked during his run from 1973 to 1985. Moore made seven Bond films, beginning with LIVE AND LET DIE and ending with A VIEW TO A KILL. In 1983, both Moore and Connery starred in competing Bond pictures, Moore in OCTOPUSSY and Connery in NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN, the latter title a reference to Connery’s reported quote from 1971 that he would never play James Bond again.

Moore played a radically different Bond than Connery and his worst Bond films descended into campy territory, everything from the cheesiest double entendres and over-the-top product placement to a cartoonish character like Clifton James’ Sheriff J.W. Pepper in two films and a Bond-meets-Blaxploiation plot like 1973’s LIVE AND LET DIE.

Connery got down and dirty, whereas Moore never soiled his suit. That’s at least the perception.

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME is a cinematic exhibit for that old phrase “third time’s a charm,” since this is Moore’s third outing as Bond.

Moore fits the character better and let’s face it, THE SPY WHO LOVED ME benefits significantly from a great Bond girl, Russian agent Major Anya Amasova a.k.a. Agent XXX (played by Barbara Bach), and a great henchman, Jaws (played by the 7-foot-2 Richard Kiel). Both Agent XXX and Jaws stand among the great Bond girls and great Bond henchmen, respectively.

On top of that, we have Carly Simon’s “Nobody Does It Better,” one of the great Bond songs with music by Marvin Hamlisch and lyrics by Carole Bayer Sager.

Jaws puts a genuine fright into Bond and we like the British super agent a lot better under such circumstances. Bond’s one-liners won’t save him against this relentless Jaws, who does take a licking and keeps on ticking. He’s a dedicated henchman.

We cheer on Jaws’ destruction — he does some great work on a truck — and we especially love him when he makes Bond squirm. Of course, we’re rooting for Bond, but it’s still more fun seeing the indestructible Bond against the indestructible Jaws. It’s a fair matchup, for a change. Silly fools that we are, we believe for isolated moments that Bond might finally meet his match. We hadn’t felt that way since ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE and before that GOLDFINGER.

Not only does Bond face Jaws, but Agent XXX wants revenge on Bond once she finds out that he killed her lover Sergi Barsov (in the movie’s opening). Will she or won’t she kill Bond? Of course, we all know the answer.

Production designer Ken Adam (1921-2016) did some of his best work for THE SPY WHO LOVED ME, and he earned an Academy Award nomination. Our megalomaniac Stromberg (Curt Jargons) wants to destroy the world and build a civilization under the sea … designed by Adam.

Veteran cinematographer Claude Renoir (1913-93) worked on his uncle’s films TONI and THE GRAND ILLUSION. His work on THE SPY WHO LOVED ME should have been a fourth Academy Award nomination for the film.

In other words, THE SPY WHO LOVED ME is a first-rate production and entertainment that ranks among the very best James Bond films.

Five best James Bond films:

— ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE (1969)

— GOLDFINGER (1964)

— FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963)

— SKYFALL (2012)

— THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977)

The Terror of Tiny Town (1938)

THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN

THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN (1938) Three-and-a-half stars

This is obviously the shortest Western ever made.

THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN owns the distinction of being the world’s only known Western musical starring midgets, hence the cheap wisecrack about it being the shortest Western ever made. We can be sure there’s many Westerns shorter than 62 minutes.

Exploitation film producer Jed Buell put out a casting call and he more or less put together the cast of the Munchkins before THE WIZARD OF OZ. We see just one non-vertically challenged cast member and that’s in the opening sequence.

Our announcer begins, “Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages, we’re going to present for your approval a novelty picture with an all-midget cast, the first of its kind to ever be produced. I’m told that it has everything, that is everything that a Western should have.”

During this introduction, our hero Buck Lawson (Billy Curtis) and our villain Bat Haines (‘Little Billy’ Rhodes) just about shoot it out over who’s the star of the picture.

Buck Lawson, “I’m the hero. After this picture’s out, I’ll be the biggest cowboy star in Hollywood.”

Bat Haines, “I’m the villain. I’m the toughest hombre that ever lived, and I ain’t afraid o’ the biggest one o’ you. I’m the Terror of Tiny Town, and that’s the star part.”

Finally, the announcer, who could have been qualified to broker world peace or at least peace in the Middle East, gets Buck Lawson and Bat Haines to agree to let the motion picture play and prove who’s the star.

Judging by their subsequent careers, Curtis (1909-88) easily won.

You may remember him from his role as Mordecai in Clint Eastwood’s HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER.

Frankly, I was floored after looking up Curtis’ screen credits.

He appeared (mostly uncredited) in THE WIZARD OF OZ, MEET JOHN DOE, HELLZAPOPPIN’, SABOTEUR, BUCK PRIVATES COME HOME, LIMELIGHT, THE COURT JESTER, THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN, and PLANET OF THE APES, plus a multitude of TV shows. Apparently, Curtis hit on Judy Garland during the making of THE WIZARD OF OZ.

Curtis made his debut in THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN.

THE WIZARD OF OZ marked his third role and his first not in a Western. Curtis appeared in THREE TEXAS STEERS — a John Wayne picture — between TINY TOWN and OZ.

You can see why Curtis enjoyed the most successful career in TINY TOWN, because he gives the least stilted line readings.

If you watch THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN, please do not hunt me down if you hated all 62 minutes and then want to give me a piece of your mind because TINY TOWN sucked.

I’ll tell you a little secret right now: THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN, it’s not exactly a good movie and you can just ignore the three-and-a-half stars rating because these are not normal circumstances. I love it and enjoy it a great deal because it’s bad on an epic scale … it belongs in a special place in cinematic history alongside such infamous features as REEFER MADNESS and PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE. I find all of them good for their own distinct reasons.

The announcer proved to be correct, in that THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN does have everything that a Western should have, at least plot wise. They filmed this basic plot a million times before TINY TOWN, I have no doubt. I mean, our villain pits two families against each other and the townspeople must organize to defeat “The Terror of Tiny Town,” and it all leads to an explosive final act. This basic plot was ancient many years before 1938.

Bottom line: THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN is a novelty picture, for sure, and I enjoy the novelty. If we’re being honest, every film exploits some form of novelty.

I find immense enjoyment from the sight gag of characters entering a saloon under the swinging doors, for example, and the ridiculous final showdown between hero and villain.

Unlike ZORRO THE GAY BLADE, TINY TOWN plays its Western musical story straight and does not beat us over the head with either its gags or its premise, at least after the credits and the announcer scene. It’s not a nudge-nudge wink-wink comedy like ZORRO THE GAY BLADE. It’s more funny than it might be otherwise because it’s played straight. The actors made no effort to be campy, but their stilted line readings help THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN achieve bad movie infamy.

Trivia: Jerry Maren (1920-2018) played one of the townspeople in THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN and he was the last surviving WIZARD OF OZ cast member and the last surviving Marx Brothers film cast member.

House of Wax (1953)

HOUSE OF WAX

HOUSE OF WAX (1953) Four stars

I’m a big fan of the late, great St. Louis born Vincent Price (1911-93).

Like most people from my generation, I first discovered Price through his voice work on Michael Jackson’s mega-hit “Thriller.”

Over time, of course, I began to encounter more and more of his work and I became more and more of a fan.

A couple of my favorites include his narration on Alice Cooper’s “Black Widow” from the 1975 Cooper album “Welcome to My Nightmare” (AC’s first solo LP) and THEATER OF BLOOD (1973).

“Black Widow” foreshadowed Price’s work on “Thriller.”

THEATER OF BLOOD lets Price sink his teeth into a juicy role and plot scenario — an irate Shakespearean actor who takes ultimate revenge on all his critics. It’s a lot of fun.

Several movies have taken cheap shots at critics over the years — for example, GODZILLA ’98 gave us the buffoonish Mayor Ebert and his aide Gene and LADY IN THE WATER (2006) knocked off that pretentious killjoy Harry Farber, a no-count film and book critic — but THEATER OF BLOOD gets it just right, unlike both GODZILLA and LADY IN THE WATER.

In the case of GODZILLA, Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin didn’t even have the guts to have their Godzilla devour their Siskel & Ebert parodies. Chicken shits. I mean, were they holding out hope their film might still get a positive review? You know it’s bad when M. Night had more balls than you.

Anyway, in the spirit of a Camper Van Beethoven song, I have to ask ‘Where the hell am I?’

Oh yeah, Vincent Price and his incredibly entertaining HOUSE OF WAX, a remake of the 1933 horror film MYSTERY OF THE WAX MUSEUM.

By the way, Warner Bros. packaged together the 1933 with the 1953 film on a DVD and it’s not every day that you get two good movies for the price of one.

Now, I can add HOUSE OF WAX to the Price favorites list.

Price stars as Prof. Henry Jarrod, who’s absolutely committed to his wax museum. They’re not just wax figures to him. After all, they are extremely lifelike — a fine art — and he sums up the essence of his art with this dialogue, “Once in his lifetime, every artist feels the hand of God, and creates something that comes alive.”

Jarrod especially loves his Marie Antoinette, “Everything I ever loved has been taken away from me, but not you, my Marie Antoinette, for I will give you eternal life.” (Just pretend using Price’s voice while reading the dialogue.)

Jarrod thinks first and foremost in artistic terms, whereas his business partner Matthew Burke (Roy Roberts) hatches a devious scheme. If they set the wax museum ablaze, they can collect the $25,000 insurance policy and split it straight down the middle. Jarrod cannot believe his ears, for he loves his wax museum and his creations too much to see them destroyed for money.

Burke and Jarrod fight it out, with Burke ultimately winning the upper hand and burning down the wax museum with Jarrod inside. Burke believes Jarrod died … of course, Jarrod survives, enacts his revenge, and starts his wax museum all over bigger and better.

File the wax figures burning under “Great Movie Scenes.”

In early September 1988, a fire claimed the lives of 300 wax figures from the Southwestern Historical Wax Museum in Grand Prairie, Texas.

Lost were figures of Elvis, JFK, Robert Redford, and Paul Newman.

“One of the things that has made this fire so difficult to fight was the fact these figures are just like a candle,” Lt. Doug Conner said. “They generate tremendous heat. It appears it’s totally destroyed.”

The burning down of the wax museum certainly proves to be a great opener for HOUSE OF WAX.

HOUSE OF WAX came in the wake of the first 3-D feature, BWANA DEVIL (1952), and it gives us one of the best 3-D scenes I have ever seen. This scene comes right after intermission.

We have a barker for Jarrod’s new wax museum known as the House of Wax. We all know barkers, right, are people who “attempt to attract patrons to entertainment events, such as a circus or fair, by exhorting passing members of the public, announcing attractions of show, and emphasizing variety, novelty, beauty, or some other enticing feature of the show.”

Our barker seems to be an elite paddle ball player and he breaks the fourth wall, as he directly addresses the audience and hits the paddle ball toward us.

“Well, there’s someone with a bag of popcorn. Close your mouth, it’s the bag I’m aiming at, not your tonsils.”

This is better than anything in JAWS or AMITYVILLE 3-D.

There’s more choice moments in HOUSE OF WAX, and it’s essential viewing for Price fans.

Five must-see Vincent Price films:

— HOUSE OF WAX (1953)

— THE FLY (1958)

— HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1959)

— THEATER OF BLOOD (1973)

— VINCENT (1982)

Squirm (1976)

SQUIRM

SQUIRM (1976) Three stars

You either have a predisposition for liking a silly creature feature like SQUIRM or you don’t.

I thankfully do.

Just a couple quick statements.

1) That’s a lovely title.

2) It’s produced by American International Pictures (1954-80), one of the best production outfits in the motion picture business.

3) I’d rate SQUIRM the second-best killer worm picture right after TREMORS.

Granted, I’m not exactly sure how many killer worm movies there are in existence.

SQUIRM, written and directed by Jeff Lieberman, reminds yours truly of the 1972 classic from American International, FROGS.

American International promoted FROGS with the immortal tagline “Today the pond, tomorrow the world.”

Meanwhile, SQUIRM received, “This was the night of the crawling terror!” Crawling terror in all caps! Like CRAWLING TERROR!

The opening title card informs us that SQUIRM is “based on a true story.” Are you gonna fall for that one?

Intense storms hit Fly Creek, Georgia and electricity from downed power lines + wet soil creates mad worms … and they develop an insatiable taste for human flesh. Of course, they do … or we’d not have much of a movie, at least not much of a one worthy of the title SQUIRM.

We have two gingers for our protagonists: Mick (Don Scardino), a no-count city slicker who seems to get on just about everybody’s bad side, especially good ol’ boy Sheriff Jim Reston (Peter MacLean) and creepy romantic rival Roger Grimes (R.A. Dow), and Mick’s romantic interest Geri (Patricia Pearcy).

Right off the top of the old noggin, I cannot think of another film headlined by a pair of redheads.

Mick starts off on the wrong foot real quick when he orders an egg cream. An egg cream in Fly Creek, Georgia? Only a city slicker would make such an order.

What’s an egg cream? Milk, carbonated water, and flavored syrup, apparently, and it does not contain eggs or cream. New Yorkers loved them some egg cream. Why do them old Pace Picante commercials leap to mind?

Mick encounters a worm in his egg cream and freaks out. Boy, oh boy, he’s not making friends very fast around here.

It all sort of reminds you of Dustin Hoffman’s work alienating the natives in Sam Peckinpah’s STRAW DOGS.

Many years ago, I brought in a DVD haul that included AFTER HOURS, ERASERHEAD, and FROGS.

Just from that day alone, I could have started the “So You’re Think You’re Having a Bad Day” Film Festival.

SQUIRM could make the cut, just based on what happens to Roger alone.

Shakespeare, “A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once. It seems to me most strange that men should fear, seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it come.”

Roger “dies” a thousand times in SQUIRM. At least it seems that way. You can’t keep a good creep down.

He’s the SQUIRM character remembered most.

I read an interview with Lieberman where he recounted how most of the inner-city audience in a 900-seat theater rooted for Roger and wanted both redheads to die either by Roger or the worms.

SQUIRM amounts to a whole lot of fun, but take my word with a grain of salt especially since I have a predisposition to like this kind of movie.

squirm /skwərm/: wriggle or twist the body from side to side, especially as a result of nervousness or discomfort. Synonyms: wriggle, wiggle, writhe, twist, slide, slither, turn, shift, fidget, jiggle, twitch, thresh, flounder, flail, agonize.

“SQUIRM made late Atlanta Braves broadcaster Skip Caray squirm.”

Back to the Future Trilogy (1985-90)

BACK TO THE FUTURE TRILOGY (1985-1990)
The BACK TO THE FUTURE trilogy stands up better now than when the films were originally released.

That’s partly because we’ve not seen any more sequels or remakes, retcons, reboots, and ripoffs.

The three films have been allowed to stand on their own.

They stand up tall and straight.

Once upon a time, I wrote that DAWN OF THE DEAD, THE TERMINATOR, and THE FLY are great films because they not only succeed at giving audiences satisfaction on genre terms but they also work on additional levels. For example, the satire that equates mall shoppers with zombies (DAWN OF THE DEAD), the romance between Kyle Reese and Sarah Connor (THE TERMINATOR), and the romance between Seth Brundle and Veronica (THE FLY). All three films have a lot going on for and in them.

The same greatness principle holds true for all three BACK TO THE FUTURE films: They’re all successful comedies that work on a deeper level, mostly thanks to time travel.

Speaking of time travel, I’m definitely a fan because I love THE TERMINATOR, TIME AFTER TIME, X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST, and MEN IN BLACK 3 and enjoy BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE, STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME, and FREQUENCY, for example.

The BACK TO THE FUTURE films — especially PART II — play around with the paradoxes of time travel, both for comedic and dramatic effect. It allows certain actors to play multiple roles in different times — 1885, 1955, 1985, alternate 1985, and 2015.

BACK TO THE FUTURE starts with the inspiration of containing a time machine in a DeLorean and the movie revs up when that baby moves 88 mph because, as Christopher Lloyd’s Dr. Emmett “Doc” Brown says, “If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit.”

We do.

Anyway, our teenage protagonist Marty McFly (played by a 23-year-old Michael J. Fox), he’s bummed out by his parents George (Crispin Glover) and Lorraine (Lea Thompson), a hopeless nerd picked on by eternal bully Biff Tannen (Thomas F. Wilson) for one parent and a drunk for the other.

Sitting at the dinner table with his family, Marty’s not too interested in how his parents met: Lorraine’s father hit George with his car and Lorraine nursed George back to health. Lorraine experienced a real Florence Nightingale effect.

However, no kid’s ever all that interested in how their parents met. Especially parents like George and Lorraine.

The DeLorean hits 88 mph and Marty ends up back in 1955 — Nov. 5, 1955, stuck there, without any plutonium to return.

BACK TO THE FUTURE then becomes an even greater movie when it takes on the premise of a teenager meeting their parents when they’re teenagers. Marty’s a lot more interested in how his parents met, that’s for sure.

Not long after their first meeting in 1955, Marty saves George from being hit by that fateful car. Marty’s knocked unconscious instead and Nurse Lorraine grows “amorously infatuated” (Doc’s words) with her future son rather than her future husband. She’s in hot pursuit, and we remember her 1985 self warning her teenaged son about girls that chase after boys.

Just be glad that Marty finds a younger Doc to sort it all out and get him “back to the future.”

We especially need Doc around for PART II to explain the movie’s convoluted plot.

PART II gives us a version of 2015 highlighted by technological advancements. It was great fun watching the 2015 scenes in 1989 based on future speculation and it’s still great fun watching them 30 years later as we reflect what they got right and what they got wrong. The Royals, not the Cubs though, won the World Series and Universal mercifully stopped at four JAWS films.

(The Cubs ended the longest world championship drought in North American professional sports history — only 108 years — by winning the 2016 World Series.)

Futurepedia even provided a list of the new technology: Air traffic control; auto-adjusting and auto-drying jacket; automatic dog walker; automated Texaco service station; barcode license plate; binocular card; bionic implants; Compu-Fax; Compu-Serve; computerized breastplate; cosmetic factory; data-court; dehydrated pizza; dust-repellent paper; flying circuits; fruit dispenser; hands free video games; holobillboard; holofilms a la JAWS 19; hoverboards; hovercam; hover conversion; hydrator; Identa-pad; Internet; Kirk Gibson Jr. Slugger 2000 adjustable bat; Litter Bugs; Master-cook; Mr. Fusion; multi-channel video screen; neon curbing; Ortho-lev; Pac Fax; portable thumb unit; power-lacing shoes; rejuvenation clinic; scene screen; skyway; slam ball; sleeping device; soda bottles with built-in straws; flying cars; tablet computer; thumb pad; tranquilization; transponder; U.S. Weather Service; video glasses and video telephone glasses; video simulacrum; video telephone.

PART II ends up back in Nov. 12, 1955 (Marty’s final day in 1955 in BACK TO THE FUTURE), so we have two Martys and two Docs running breathlessly around Hill Valley.

Given all the plot convolutions and time permutations in PART II, it’s fitting that the 1955 Doc faints during a scene late in the movie.

Lightning strikes the DeLorean and sends Doc back to 1885 near the end of PART II … and Marty tracks him down in PART III.

We get a Western comedy in a year that included Best Picture winner DANCES WITH WOLVES and QUIGLEY DOWN UNDER.

PART III finds employment for veteran character actors Pat Buttram (1915-94), Harry Carey Jr. (1921-2012), and Dub Taylor (1907-94) in the 1885 scenes. It’s nice to see and hear them codgers.

Their presence lets us know that PART III is a different kind of Western than DANCES WITH WOLVES and QUIGLEY DOWN UNDER, more like a TV Western.

Marty takes Clint Eastwood for his 1885 name.

PART III casts Mary Steenburgen as Doc’s love interest and we remember Steenburgen as H.G. Wells’ love interest in TIME AFTER TIME (1979). Wells wrote “The Time Machine.” In TIME AFTER TIME, Jack the Ripper uses Wells’ time machine to travel to modern day San Francisco and Wells follows and pursues Jack the Ripper. During his pursuit, Wells meets bank clerk Amy (Steenburgen) and falls in love with her. (In real life, McDowell and Steenburgen became married in 1980, separated in 1989, and divorced in 1990. They met and began dating making TIME AFTER TIME.)

The BACK TO THE FUTURE trilogy ends on a satisfying note.

More notes on BACK TO THE FUTURE:

— Michael J. Fox is one of the most likable actors of all-time. He was the first choice for Marty, but “Family Ties” producer Gary David Goldberg refused to allow Fox away from that show to make a movie. That’s why BACK TO THE FUTURE originally cast Eric Stoltz as Marty. Stoltz worked a few weeks on the film before director Robert Zemeckis and screenwriter Bob Gale realized there’s something wrong with Stoltz as Marty: He’s not the Marty they wanted. Stoltz lacked screwball energy and he played scenes more dramatically. They let Stoltz go and recast with Fox, who became free to make the movie. Fox did not have to reach very far to portray Marty, “All I did in high school was skateboard, chase girls, and play in bands. I even dreamed of becoming a rock star.”

For two months, Fox worked on “Family Ties” during the day and BACK TO THE FUTURE at night, giving him at most a few hours of sleep each day.

Re-shooting added $3 million to the film’s budget, a number more than made up for by grosses for all three films that have amassed nearly $1 billion in returns.

— Christopher Lloyd’s boundless madcap energy earns Doc a place in the annals of great mad scientists and nutty professors. He becomes more than that, though, over the course of three movies. We love Doc, perhaps more than any other character in the series.

— Thomas F. Wilson makes any variation on the bully, whether it’s Buford “Mad Dog,” Biff, or Griff Tannen and whether it’s 1885, 1955, 1985, alternate 1985, or 2015, a lovable asshole. We love to hate “Mad Dog,” Biff, and Griff, especially Biff. We love every time Biff screws up a phrase like “Make like a tree … and get out of here.” We love every time he’s doused in manure. We love every time he’s burned and showed up by our protagonists. How do you feel after learning Donald Trump inspired the Biff character?

— Crispin Glover proved to be the next evolution in screen nerd, taking off from Eddie Deezen and REVENGE OF THE NERDS. Glover stepped in that direction in FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER, but he gets a fuller character in BACK TO THE FUTURE.

— Lea Thompson is quite fetching in the 1955 scenes and her character unknowingly lusting after her future son fits into a career where she was attacked by The Great White Mother in JAWS 3-D, yelled at and embarrassed by her sexually frustrated and football obsessed boyfriend in ALL THE RIGHT MOVES, involved with a married police officer who should have arrested himself for his own sex crimes in THE WILD LIFE, and kissed by an animatronic duck in HOWARD THE DUCK. John Hughes at least gave her the name Amanda Jones in SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL, from the Rolling Stones song “Miss Amanda Jones.” What a career.

— Huey Lewis and the News’ “Power of Love” achieves being their only song that does not inspire my thoughts of giving the nearest person a pencil and having them stab my eardrums. For example, it seemed that for the longest time at the Pittsburg Subway I’d hear their hit song “The Heart of Rock & Roll.” Every damn single time. I survived by wisecracking, “If Huey Lewis is the heart of rock ’n’ roll, then rock ’n’ roll needs a defibrillator.” I suppose I think more positively of “Power of Love” from being in BACK TO THE FUTURE.

— Zemeckis produced some of the best mass entertainments for nearly a decade-and-a-half, everything from 1941 (directed by Steven Spielberg) and USED CARS to BACK TO THE FUTURE and WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT.

I just hope that Hollywood leaves those films alone and does not burden us with remakes, retcons, reboots, or any other ripoff.

Is that too much to ask?

BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985) Four stars; BACK TO THE FUTURE PART II (1989) Three-and-a-half stars; BACK TO THE FUTURE PART III (1990) Four stars

The Predator (2018)

THE PREDATOR

THE PREDATOR (2018) Two stars

One of these days, they’ll get a PREDATOR sequel right and make a film with only Predator characters.

Yeah, that’s right, no human characters.

THE PREDATOR — the fourth or sixth entry (depending on whether or not you want to count two ALIEN VS. PREDATOR movies that combine two 20th Century Fox cash cows) in a series that began only decades ago — gives us a tasty hint of a Predator-only film with a Mega Predator vs. Predator fight scene. It’s the highlight of the film, then it’s back to our more generic human characters.

Seeing that the Walt Disney Company recently acquired 20th Century Fox, we can bet our sweet hard-earned that Disney will be pumping out PREDATOR productions once a year or every two years.

I doubt they’ll get it right.

Anyway, we especially have too many anonymous scientist and military characters in THE PREDATOR, and they’re exhibits for why I stump for the systematic eradication of human characters in PREDATOR movies.

I mean, I get it, they’re around to amplify the body count, but their perfunctory dialogue scenes are dead weight that drag the movie down until the characters are (thankfully) eliminated.

PREDATOR ’87 does not have perfunctory dialogue and dead weight, and it does not drag. It plays like “a lean, mean fighting machine” (in the great words from STRIPES) and it’s a streamlined entertainment that moves faster than this, er, last year’s model (an Elvis Costello reference following STRIPES).

The cast of the original PREDATOR amounted to 16 actors.

By comparison, THE PREDATOR features approximately 50 credited and 20 uncredited performers.

Favorite character: “Sobbing veterinarian.” Second favorite: “Cantina bartender.” Show: “Halloween mom.”

Shane Black co-wrote and directed THE PREDATOR.

You might remember Black, and we definitely remember his movies.

Black’s screenwriting credits: LETHAL WEAPON, LETHAL WEAPON 2, THE LAST BOY SCOUT, LAST ACTION HERO, and THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT, for which he received a $4 million payday.

You might remember Black from the first PREDATOR.

He played Rick Hawkins, a bespectacled, foul-mouthed mercenary. He’s a foul mouth on an epic scale.

Hawkins tells jokes like “The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend. I said to her, ‘Jeez, you’ve got a big pussy. Jeez, you’ve got a big pussy.’ She said, ‘Why did you say that twice?’ I said, ‘I didn’t.’ See, it was ‘cause of the echo.”

Black did not receive a writing credit on PREDATOR, but we can almost bet that he wrote Hawkins’ dialogue.

Especially since THE PREDATOR features a scene where a soldier with Tourette’s blurts out “Eat your pussy!”

This character, named Baxley and played by Thomas Jane, later spouts more dialogue from the Planet X, “Fuck me in the face with an aardvark.”

At the end of the day, THE PREDATOR is not a bad movie, nor a good one, and I doubt that I’ll be able to remember it for too much longer. I’ll say that I’ve killed two hours of my life in worse fashion many times before and hopefully not as many times after.