Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

JAWS THE REVENGE

JAWS: THE REVENGE (1987) No stars

Just when you thought it was safe to see a JAWS movie again.

In the JAWS III review, we discussed the Idiot Plot.

That’s when all the characters have to be idiots to propel the plot forward.

Now, with JAWS: THE REVENGE, we have under consideration another idiotic plot.

I mean, if you’ve never seen this one, you better get that suspension of belief ready for the workout of its life.

You will need every single bit of it for a plot where not only does a shark pursue revenge against a single family — them poor Brodys from Amity Island — but this shark follows said familial unit all the way from New England to the ol’ Bahamas after the shark dispatches widow Ellen Brody’s youngest son in the opening sequence.

Maybe it’s another shark who owes the New England shark something fierce and so he carries out the New England shark’s vendetta against one family. The New England shark just dials up the Bahamas shark and gives him the assignment over the phone.

Maybe the New England shark found the Bahamas shark’s number on a bathroom wall in a watering hole, a genuine dive.

Going back a couple paragraphs, yes, it’s true that our New England shark sets a trap for Sean Brody (Mitchell Anderson), who’s a policeman just like dear old Martin Brody. Sean survived a shark in three previous JAWS installments, but not in this one where he’s outsmarted by a (mechanical) shark. This is just plain ridiculous, but it does prepare us for the ridiculousness ahead.

On his JAWS Wiki entry, “Devoured by Vengeance” is listed as Sean’s cause of death.

Oh, by the way, we might as well get this bit of trivia out of the way before we move on to bigger fish, but four different actors play Sean and Michael Brody in the JAWS series.

Jay Mello played Sean in JAWS, followed by Marc Gilpin in JAWS 2, John Putch in JAWS III, and Anderson in THE REVENGE.

The higher-profile character Michael gets higher-profile actors for at least a couple movies in Dennis Quaid in JAWS III and Lance Guest in THE REVENGE. Chris Rebello and Mark Gruner had the honor in JAWS and JAWS 2, respectively.

Just some random thoughts:

— You might wonder how in the world Lorraine Gary could possibly get top billing. She’s terrible in this movie, for crying out loud.

Well, let’s see, she was married at the time to Universal Studios boss Sidney Sheinberg. (Gary, now 81 years old, and Sheinberg were married for more than 62 years, until he passed away March 7, 2019, at the age of 84.)

Gary came out of retirement for THE REVENGE. Her first feature was the first JAWS and her last was THE REVENGE.

Looking at her movie credits, an earlier role describes Gary’s acting in her last feature.

In CAR WASH, Gary played the “Hysterical Lady,” obvious training for THE REVENGE.

Of course, if you’re terrified by sharks like a curse down the generations, one might argue that it’s justification for being hysterical.

Nah, if the Brodys moved to Kansas, for example, their problem would be solved and their life expectancy would probably be elongated by many years.

Instead, they go back in the ocean. Every single time.

— We get a very awkward romance between Ellen and Hoagie, played by Michael Caine, so we have the first shark movie suitable for geriatric consumption.

Filming THE REVENGE caused Caine to miss the 1987 Oscar ceremony, where he earned Best Supporting Actor for HANNAH AND HER SISTERS.

Caine did give us a great quote about THE REVENGE, “I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.”

Hoagie, a charter pilot who carries Michael Brody and his dear friend Jake (Mario Van Peebles) to their shark rendezvous, crash-lands his plane late in the movie in the ocean and he’s submerged. Of course, for a split-second, we think he’s shark chow, especially when our great revenge seeker devours his plane.

Not only does Hoagie survive this close encounter of the shark kind, but when he climbs aboard the ship, he’s completely dry and looks freshly laundered.

Apparently, Caine’s explanation for this epic continuity error was that the filmmakers waited so long for the camera to turn over that Caine’s shirt and pants dried in the sun.

— Honestly, THE REVENGE plays like one continuous error.

I mean, what can you say about a movie where the best thing you can say about it is that the children’s choir gives a good performance. Oh, I forgot to mention, shame on me, THE REVENGE takes place around Christmas. Yeah, sure, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Mario Van Peebles chose a laughable accent.

THE REVENGE abuses “It’s Only A Dream” scenes.

Multiple endings exist for this movie, one where Van Peebles survives and the other where his character dies. I’ve seen both, and either way, it doesn’t really matter.

Characters have flashbacks to events where they were not present.

Back to the shark. This one is a doozy, and for even more reasons than what’s already been covered within this space. “Bruce the Shark” roars. Maybe he’s in pain. Maybe he couldn’t believe what he did for the money. Maybe he’s mad that he looks faker than ever before. He even swims backwards, probably in an effort to escape THE REVENGE. Isn’t that how one of the explorers went around the world?

Believe it or not, THE REVENGE finds an even more ridiculous way to kill the shark than the previous entries.

You know what, I do believe that we can believe it with this particular movie.

Jaws III (1983)

JAWS III (1983) One star
In the movies, three is most often not a magic number.

In the movies, three is most often not a magic number.

Were the second and third entries less interesting than the first?

Of course, they were and that principle applies to sequels like, for example, JAWS III, a long, long way down from the original JAWS directed by Steven Spielberg.

JAWS: THE REVENGE pretended JAWS III — originally titled JAWS 3-D — never happened and that’s something I would like to do with both movies.

Nah, I take it back, because I enjoy both movies for their epic badness. I’ve watched both whenever I’ve had the chance and I hope that I will always be able to marvel once again at their incredible ineptitude.

In the business, they have what’s known as the Idiot Plot or that’s when everything would be figured out much sooner if the characters were not complete idiots.

In JAWS III, it takes our protagonists incredibly long to figure out that our Great White Mother’s inside the park.

I chortle when female protagonist Kathryn Morgan (Bess Armstrong) says the following dialogue, “Overman was killed inside the park. The baby was caught inside the park. Its mother is inside the park.”

This dramatic moment instead plays comedic.

Honestly, though, I live for that moment partially because earlier Morgan explains the bite radius, a plot detail essential to any JAWS film. Right, JAWS: THE REVENGE?

There’s a couple more favorite moments in JAWS III that I will try and get through sooner or later within this review.

Now, however, I’ll go through some of the problems with JAWS III one-by-one. We already hit the Idiot Plot, the film’s biggest problem.

— Weak characters: The original JAWS featured three great characters in Sheriff Brody (Roy Scheider), Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss), and Quint (Robert Shaw). Brody returned in JAWS 2 — Universal had Scheider by the balls and made him do JAWS 2 — and there’s not a single great character in JAWS III or JAWS: THE REVENGE. Not a one.

— Weak shark: In JAWS 2, the shark stood out more than any human character, including Sheriff Brody and Mayor Larry Vaughn. Especially them darn insipid teenagers. Not in JAWS III. The Great White Mother in JAWS III does not approach the ridiculousness of the fourth JAWS entree, but a plot that has a mother shark taking revenge for her son, why that’s just preposterous and plain out-of-character for a shark. I might owe ORCA THE KILLER WHALE (1977) an apology.

— Weak big moment: Let’s briefly set this one up. It’s late in the movie and Morgan and her love interest Mike Brody (Dennis Quaid), park manager Calvin Bouchard (Louis Gossett, Jr.), and two park technicians are inside the control room. Of course, here comes the Great White Mother and it’s obviously going to crash through the glass in full-on 3D glory. Here it comes … here it comes … here it comes … 2D anticlimax! I don’t know what else to say but this scene’s even more laughable than our great-shark-inside-the-park-revelation scene, especially with Morgan and Brody’s priceless slow-motion reactions leading up to the shark’s crash.

— Them damn dolphins: Yes, Cindy and Sandy, who are worse than our teeny boppers from JAWS 2, believe it or not. Granted, to their credit, Cindy and Sandy figure out the plot faster than anybody else in the movie. Cindy and Sandy (a.k.a. “The Shrieking Dolphins”) went up against some tough competition at the 1984 Razzies for Worst New Star — Finola Hughes in STAYING ALIVE, Reb Brown in YOR, THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE, Loni Anderson in STROKER ACE, and the grand prize winner Lou Ferrigno in HERCULES.

Okay, okay, that’s enough for now.

I’ll close on what I consider to be the great mystery from JAWS III.

Does anybody out there know what the following dialogue even means: “You tell Shelby Overman for me he can take a flyin’ leap in a rollin’ doughnut on a gravel driveway, you hear?”

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982) One star

The late critic Roger Ebert (1942-2013) took a lot of heat from readers for his review of HALLOWEEN III, mainly because his review contained glaring factual errors, including the biggie that Michael Myers was in HALLOWEEN III. Even those who agree with his basic finding that HALLOWEEN III sucks wish that Ebert had written a better review.

Recently, a Facebook post on a cult and exploitation film group referenced Ebert’s HALLOWEEN III review from one of his video companion books as just one more reason why the critic sucked. Going back nearly five years ago, the “Halloween III: Season of the Witch Appreciation” group posted his entire review. Would it be too much to say get over it? I mean, I hope Ebert never looked back and moved on past HALLOWEEN III.

Here’s the part, though, referencing Myers: “It begins at the end of HALLOWEEN II, when the monster was burned up in the hospital parking lot, but it’s not still another retread of the invincible monster. In fact, the monster is forgotten, except for a lab technician who spends the whole movie sifting through his ashes.”

Here’s what I find most fascinating: There’s a “Halloween III: Season of the Witch Appreciation” group. Certain fans of the film stick up for it very, very, very intensely and go after those who do not believe in their cult favorite, a phenomenon that also exists with other flicks like, for example, HOWARD THE DUCK. Be careful, very very very careful indeed, when expressing a “negative” opinion these days about somebody’s misunderstood, neglected cult favorite.

As one might gather from the star rating, I think HALLOWEEN III sucks. Yeah, I said it, just like how Rodney Dangerfield said it during CADDYSHACK. (HALLOWEEN III fans believe their movie’s been treated like Dangerfield’s most famous line.)

At just about this moment in time, somebody might be saying that I just don’t understand the conceptual brilliance throughout HALLOWEEN III.

No, believe me, I get HALLOWEEN III, I understand it, hell I even admire it for trying something completely different than being just one more damn assembly line horror movie sequel, I think it fails miserably.

I find HALLOWEEN III to be a drag, a real downer of a movie, redeemed only somewhat by two performances, including one by veteran Irish character actor Dan O’Herlihy as diabolical villain Conal Cochran, the world’s greatest practical joker. Though I enjoyed O’Herlihy more in both THE LAST STARFIGHTER and ROBOCOP, he brings that same ebullient spirit to HALLOWEEN III. He’s just like a James Bond super villain.

Unfortunately, though, I would be hard-pressed to name a main protagonist in any horror movie I like less than Dan Challis in HALLOWEEN III. Maybe somebody from THE AMITYVILLE HORROR series, perhaps. It’s no coincidence that HALLOWEEN III co-writer and director Tommy Lee Wallace also wrote AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION (1982), giving him the distinction of being involved with two of the most unpleasant mainstream horror films I’ve ever seen. Both films come from the Dino DeLaurentiis Corporation. Not sure if there’s an “Amityville II: The Possession Appreciation” group in this great big world.

Challis, getting back on track, he’s played by Tom Atkins. I do like Atkins, especially in the cult favorite NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. He’s traditionally a supporting actor, but I don’t think Atkins proved himself up to the task of being the lead actor. He’s too much of a creep in HALLOWEEN III.

Because of that, HALLOWEEN III features one of the most awkward, most unbelievable, and creepiest love scenes in history between Atkins and Stacey Nelkin.

I do believe Ebert nailed it on Nelkin: “The one saving grace in HALLOWEEN III is Stacey Nelkin, who plays the heroine. She has one of those rich voices that makes you wish she had more to say and in a better role. But watch her, too, in the reaction shots: When she’s not talking, she’s listening. She has a kind of rapt, yet humorous, attention that I thought was really fetching. Too bad she plays her last scene without a head.”

Though enjoying both Nelkin and O’Herlihy (file them under good performances in bad movies), the majority of the movie bludgeons me over the head every few minutes with a gory murder scene involving characters I don’t give a damn about. This is one of those movies where you apply ice to the back of your head after it’s over because it’s been hitting you for 100 minutes.

In a nutshell, we have mostly unpleasant characters in unpleasant situations, topped off by ultra-annoying commercial jingles for Silver Shamrock (I get that it’s the point of these jingles) and plots and scenes recycled wholesale from better movies like INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956 version) and James Bond.

Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films (2014)

ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, THE WILD UNTOLD STORY OF CANNON FILMS

ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: THE WILD, UNTOLD STORY OF CANNON FILMS (2014) Three-and-a-half stars

There’s bad movies and then there’s movies released by Cannon Films.

Cannon became one of the most productive motion picture studios in the 1980s, known for producing schlock on an epic scale.

You might remember Cannon from their productions SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE, THE DELTA FORCE, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, BLOODSPORT, OVER THE TOP, KING SOLOMON’S MINES, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2, THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN, and, of course, BREAKIN’ 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.

Once upon a time, I believe I wrote that cousins and Cannon heads Menahem Golan (1929-2014) and Yoram Globus were never responsible for a “good” film.

It sure does seem that way at times with their Cannon canon, but I might have been guilty of practicing a little bit of hyperbole. Never. And it’s not like Cannon was never guilty of the same.

I watched many of these films growing up and thus, I watched ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: THE WILD, UNTOLD STORY OF CANNON FILMS with a certain nostalgia.

I’ll take a bad film produced by Cannon over many, many good films. They’re never ever boring, unlike so many prestigious prize winners over the years.

For example, I’ve never considered OVER THE TOP a good movie in any traditional sense, but it’s always been great fun watching this incredible cinematic train wreck that combines “arm wrestling, child custody, and truck driving” into a macho soap opera for the ages. See, your regular bad movie would not take on all three of those subjects and play them full tilt. Child actor David Mendenhall mugs so heavily that I check my wallet every single time I watch OVER THE TOP and his emotional moments with Stallone are so cringe worthy.

Anyhoo, ELECTRIC BOOGALOO is filled with many, many nuggets of juicy information.

— Golan honestly believed that Brooke Shields would win an Academy Award for her performance in SAHARA. Come on, are we talking about the same Brooke Shields, one of the worst actresses ever to disgrace the screen? SAHARA marked the last Cannon picture that MGM distributed; MGM called it “Dry as the Sahara desert … it was awful.” During his review of the 1985 Chevy Chase and Dan Akyroyd comedy SPIES LIKE US, Gene Siskel mentioned that he watched the film while he was on vacation in Hawaii and that Hollywood studios should show him a movie every time he’s on vacation in Hawaii because he’d like anything … then he remembered that a year-and-a-half before, he saw SAHARA in Hawaii and it nuked his see-a-movie-in-Hawaii-and-like-it theory.

Rather than winning an Oscar, Shields instead became the first and so far only actress to win both Worst Actress and Worst Supporting Actor (“Brooke Shields (with a mustache)”) at the 1984 Razzies.

— Cannon wanted “that Stone woman” for their RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and ROMANCING THE STONE rip-off KING SOLOMON’S MINES.

Golan meant Kathleen Turner, star of both ROMANCING THE STONE and JEWEL OF THE NILE, but instead “that Stone woman” was interpreted to mean Sharon Stone, who had a limited filmography at that point in her career.

Seemingly everybody hated Stone during the production.

Legend has it that crew members pissed on Stone’s bathtub in her trailer.

Stone said that her contribution to both KING SOLOMON’S MINES and the sequel ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD was her bad hairdo running through the jungle. She took work on POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL next to have some fun after the stress of both King Solomon films and her divorce.

Here I thought it was a chance to work with both Brian Backer and Billie Bird (1908-2002).

— SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE is one of the worst super hero movies of all-time and rates with JAWS THE REVENGE as the worst third sequel released in 1987.

This is a film where the IMDb trivia is infinitely more interesting than the final product.

For example, the SUPERMAN IV entry begins promisingly, “Christopher Reeve publicly regretted his involvement in the film. He stated, ‘SUPERMAN IV was a catastrophe from start to finish. That failure was a huge blow to my career.’”

The special effects on the picture are shoddier than probably anything you’ve ever seen, as Cannon slashed the budget by $20 million during the film’s production.

Another juicy bit from the IMDb, “Christopher Reeve’s flying harness was concealed under a larger version of the red shorts he wore for the costume, making his waist look bigger. In previous SUPERMAN movies, the bigger waist was hidden by the cape, quick cuts, or creative camera angles. In this movie, the bigger waist is clearly visible, leading some reviewers to speculate that the thicker waist was Reeve’s actual waistline.”

You could say SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE rates a 10 on IMDb, if you add 6.3 points from the trivia section to the 3.7 score the film earned after 39,268 votes.

You could also say that Cannon had no business making pictures like SUPERMAN IV, would-be blockbusters that proved to be dead in the water.

— ELECTRIC BOOGALOO reminds (or informs) one that Cannon took chances on John Cassavetes’ LOVE STREAMS, Andrei Konchalovsky’s RUNAWAY TRAIN, and Jean-Luc Godard’s KING LEAR, for example, respectable films coming from a studio not known for respectability.

— Overall, taking in the wide (and wild) variety of films produced by Cannon, everything from break dancing to ninjas and Michael Dudikoff to Chuck Norris and Bronson to Indiana Jones rip-offs, you might be tempted to conclude — like I do — that yesterday’s bad movies are sometimes better than today’s good movies.

— ELECTRIC BOOGALOO itself surpasses all of the Cannon “classics” in entertainment value.