Cane Toads: An Unnatural History (1988)

CANE TOADS: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY (1988) Four stars
January 14, 2019 will go down in history as one of the great movie-watching days of my life.

Let’s see, I consumed a 1984 kung fu comedy with a little bit of everything including drunken boxing and a monster known as “Banana Monster” or “Watermelon Monster” (TAOISM DRUNKARD, a.k.a. DRUNKEN WU TANG); a 1983 made-for-TV documentary called FROM STAR WARS TO JEDI: THE MAKING OF A SAGA that took a behind-the-scenes look at the making of RETURN OF THE JEDI; a 1987 anime that one headline called “classic demon Anime loaded with succubi, gore and tentacles” (WICKED CITY); a 1985 Japanese comedy mixing a love of movies and a love of food (TAMPOPO); one of the better Godzilla movies (GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE); an older Jackie Chan and an older Pierce Brosnan making it work in THE FOREIGNER; a 1988 Krzysztof Kieslowski film called A SHORT FILM ABOUT LOVE that lasts over 80 minutes (guess in the long run 80 minutes constitutes a short time); and I started on Peter Jackson’s debut BAD TASTE before calling it a day.

In between THE FOREIGNER and A SHORT FILM ABOUT LOVE, I watched CANE TOADS: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY, a 47-minute documentary directed by Mark Lewis on a species taking over northern Australia.

I found a poster for the movie and it hits you with such blurbs as “An Absolute Delight!” (New York Times), “An assault of sex-mad giant toads munching their way across Australia!” (Roger Ebert), and “Riotously funny and hilariously twisted!” (Dallas Times Herald). It has CANE TOADS in huge letters across the top of the spread and a photo of a cane toad who’s as big as the girl who’s holding it.

Yes, it’s one of those “nature run amok” films.

We find out early on that in 1935, the cane toad was introduced to Australia as pest control on a beetle pestering their sugar cane.

Let’s just say that plan backfired, and it backfired miserably.

The toads are back in the headlines in Australia.

“Australian senator says government should pay welfare recipients to kill cane toads” reads one.

Senator Pauline Hanson wrote an open latter to Prime Minister Scott Morrison and she’s a beaut.

“Dear Prime Minister

“As Queensland and neighboring states go through our Summer months, a further explosion of cane toads are hatching, adding to the estimated 200 million already here in Australia.

“Since their misguided introduction to deal with cane beetle in the North Queensland town of Gordonvale in 1935, cane toad numbers have exploded beyond the borders of Queensland and are having enormous effect on native Australian species.

“Unlike native frogs that lay between 1,000 and 2,000 eggs during their breeding cycle, toads will lay between 8,000 and 35,000.

“Their poisonous toxin is deadly to many native species including lizards, quolls, dingoes and crocodiles. Adult cane toads will eat almost anything it can fit in its mouth, including dead animals and pet food scraps. Their appetite and prolific breeding cycle knows no boundaries.”

Parents think teenagers are bad.

Hanson called for swift, bipartisan action.

“I would also encourage you to introduce a 3 month bounty over the Summer months to help reduce the breeding numbers throughout Queensland, New South Wales, the Northern Territory and Western Australia.

“A 10 cent reward for the collection of each cane toad, I believe would encourage most Australians living with the pest to take an active roll (role) in reducing their numbers until a biological measure is developed.”

In the movie, Lewis reportedly wanted to create sympathy for the hated animal.

One resident said, “There are still quite a large number of the toads around, but not as big as they use to be. But I still let the animal and they give me a lot of enjoyment.”

We get a toad’s eye view of the world in a multitude of shots.

Our title creatures participate in a PSYCHO spoof.

They even get songs like “Cane Toad Blues” (Tim Finn) and “Warts ‘N All” (Don Spencer, Allan Caswell).

Around the five- or six-minute mark, Dr. Glen Ingram, then the Senior Curator Amphibia and Birds at Queensland Museum, explains the process of “Amplexus.”

These toads sure do love them a whole lotta “Amplexus.” They are responsible for the phrase “horny toad.”

For example, around 150 were introduced to Oahu in 1932 and in just 17 months, the toads numbered over 100,000.

One article described cane toads as “Fat, toxic and nocturnal.” For some reason, that description called to mind Dean Wormer telling Flounder, “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”

Watching CANE TOADS: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY also brought to mind the 1972 American International exploitation picture FROGS.

One of the legends involving that low-budget picture was that many of the film’s 500 Florida frogs and 100 giant South American toads escaped during production.

Maybe they ran into the cane toads or movie star Ray Milland, who left FROGS three days early because he was such an unhappy camper.

Guess you could say that it’s more a laughing matter for somebody who doesn’t have to deal with cane toads in any way shape or form, because “They pose a bigger menace than the German Army in World War II” (quote from another movie poster).